| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: This isn't a relationship question 'per se', I guess it's about the relationship with myself? In short: I hate my body.This makes me feel bad in may ways. I get tearful just thinking how meaningless it is to hate my body, especially since I feel it's THE body I should love the most. It's MY body... how can I hate a part of myself? Especially since it's healthy. I'm not overweight, or anything. I just dislike my shape. For instance, I have small breasts, big hips. I look out of proportion. And I tried therapy, but it didn't work. I've tried exercising, but I can't change my bone structure nor can I increase my breast size!And if I, at least, had a pretty face. But I don't. And my hair isn't good either - I have sparse hair. It's just the way I am - I've checked my hormonal levels and it's all good. I'm healthy, shouldn't that be enough to make me happy? Then why don't I feel happy?I have to admit that I've never received much male attention at all. I've been called ugly, and I know the 'type' of women men like, and it's not me. Physically at least. I have a boyfriend, but it's not that he 'prefers' my type, it's that he fell in love with my personality. Because he prefers the same that most men prefer, and who can blame them? I prefer it too... sometimes I feel I'm not in the body that I feel I should have. And I can't do anything short of surgery to change it.And my boyfriend receives female attention, and they flirt with him all the time, even though I'm right there! I get jealous and envious. Not because he flirts back - he doesn't - but because he still receives attention, even though women can clearly see he's taken, yet I don't receive any attention from men, not even if I go out alone. And that makes me feel ugly compared to him.What makes me feel even worse is that I feel guilty for feeling this way about myself. I feel as though hating my body means I hate my genes... which feels like I'm disrespecting my parents. It feels as if I said 'hey you two, the work you did was not enough!'. I know it sounds stupid, but it's how I feel. Also because I hear and read people say that 'ugly' people have worse genes than beautiful people. Does that mean my genes are not good enough? Does that mean I shouldn't have kids?But I'm also very fertile... that's what the doctor said. However, I wonder, what happens if I ever have a daughter? What if she feels ugly? What if I pass on my 'hatred' onto her? That would be awful!What's worse is that I've usually received advice from beautiful women. I know they're probably well intended - but hearing them complain about being 'too attractive' (which they say brings more trouble than good things) is like hearing a rich man complain about having too much money! And I secretly resent and envy them.Sorry, I got carried away. I just wish I was prettier. Not 'model' perfect - but 'natural-beautiful-girl' perfect. Because I am genuinely ugly... I've been told so many times, I don't like my appearance and I don't even receive superficial male attention (like ogling me, for instance). I just don't know what to do, I feel so sad about this. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): I can understand you resenting hearing beautiful women complain about it, but honestly, everyone wants what they can't have! When I read about your sparse hair, I was thinking 'grr I wish I had that!' because I think I've got way too much hair and it's always boofy. People say I'm beautiful (sorry to be another one of those complaining about it) but I was jealous reading about your lovely boyfriend who doesn't flirt back with other women, because the guys that want to date me always seem to care too much about looks and nothing deeper, and will always flirt with other women.
Also, I'm a geneticist, and that's a ridiculous idea that ugly people have worse genes than the beautiful!! There are so many genes involved in appearance that it's very complicated and beautiful people can have unattractive children and vice versa. If you want kids one day, you should have them :) If your daughter feels ugly, you can talk to her about it. Looks are only important for attracting a wonderful partner, and you've shown yourself capable of that :)
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