A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently got back together with an ex who broke up with me 2 months ago. During our relationship, I put too high a value on sex. She told me I satisfied her, I started to believe I wasn't really. Beginning last winter, I think I started putting so much pressure on myself to perform "like a porn star" that I started giving myself performance anxiety.It embarrassed me beyond belief. I couldn't believe in the middle of intercourse I was losing my erection or that I was having a harder time finishing. It made me disappointed in myself and completely self-conscious. Naturally the harder I tried to ignore or correct the problem, the more it failed. I was too scared to talk to her about it. But I don't hide my emotions well. I think she knew something was bothering me. But because she didn't know what (and I'm pretty sure she had to have noticed my problem), I get the feeling now she thought my disappointment was directed at her. I say this because whenever it happened, I kinda got the feeling she was sad, which in turn made me feel worse. (believing she was disappointing me was one of the reasons she broke up with me.)Well I saw her yesterday and we had a great time together and we had sex for the first time in 2 months. I did pretty "well" in my opinion, but at times I still think the anxiety was affecting me physically but NOT emotionally. Should I talk to her to reassure her that my problem is not her fault? Or should I not dwell on the past and not mention it, provided it doesn't keep affecting our happiness together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBeen meaning to write this earlier but kept forgetting. Just wanted to thank you for your advice. I finally did talk to my gf because I thought it wasn't fair to keep her in the dark. Well she couldn't have been more understanding. I eventually saw a doctor and my problems are no more.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): I would tell her what you told us and discuss it. I am a big believer in communication between partners so that they understand each other. One reason to tell her is that if it does happen again then she will know what it is and she won't think that you are making something up if you try to explain later. Besides, if she still thinks there was something wrong with her in the past it will make her feel much better about it.
Forget about trying to be like some porn star. As one woman said to me many years ago when we were watching porn, "What is the big deal with porn? We do better than they do anyway." If you watch it, then do so for entertainment. Don't try to have sex like that. It's not how most people like sex to be.
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