A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife recently brought home her laptop from work. I asked her if she would bring up her email acccount, and she refused. I caught her having an emotional affair last May and wanted to make sure that nothing was still going on. I'm still having some issues with trust. She has free reigns to check my email accounts, as I have nothing to hide. Why doesn't she feel the same way. What else can I do? It is difficult to fully trust again. Is this an invasion of privacy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Sorry may I add, yes, we have established that you and all of us deserve to have a spouse that we can trust with all our hearts. But I have the feeling you are still making her pay for her interlude with Mr X. What was her excuse? What are you doing to fix the things she felt drove her to make the poor choice of having an emotional affair? Yes she needs to be transparent and do everything in her power to create a safe haven so the two of you can share your private thoughts .It’s easy to fall into a routine and of going to work, coming home, dealing with the kids and the house then falling into bed. It’s easy after 15yrs to take what you have for granted, to expect the person you married to be the same person. When people change and grow. When last did the two of you go out on a date and let your hair down? You married this women see her for who she is and take her in your arms and say sorry. Ask her what you can do to improve your relationship ,then listen to what she has to say.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntie Rach,
I'm sorry but didn't she already break that trust. She was communicating via email and telephone for who knows how long. They even met for lunch and dinner. I discovered this on my own or she wouldn't never have told me. I've been married for 15 years and have three children. I deserve to have a spouse that I can trust with all my heart. She needs to earn that trust back.
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach  +, writes (11 February 2009):
she does not have to give you her password. shouldn't you just trust her, being that you are married to her? sometimes a woman needs some privacy! just because she does not want to give you her password, does not mean she is hiding anything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): She may be hiding things or not. I have come out of a similar situation and i was told i should trust and bein jealous. Eventualy my worst fears were confirmed. Forget trust,you have good reason not to. I think you need to get out of this because she wants the best of both worlds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie and Gina: I appreciate your insight. It helps to know that others understand what I am going through. I just feel that trust is the single most important factor in any relationship. I've spent 15 yrs with my wife and I want our marriage to last forever. I know things will get better in time, I hope she can understand my feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Change your password, even things up a little, then confront her and let her know that after she broke your trust once before you find it hard to trust her again and need the comfort of being able to see her emails until you regain your confidence and trustC.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 I think when a person is caught having an affair, of any type, part of the price they pay, if they choose to remain with their spouse, is complete transparency. It's like parole, you have to report to the officer and play by the rules. The reason is, you got caught cheating or breaking the accepted rules. That is the price.
The person who got caught doesn't have a leg to stand on and the fact they would argue over it shows me that they haven't fully understood the amount of harm or hurt they caused. It's kind of like saying...."yeah you caught me, too bad."
The catch is this. Transparency is vital but you can not bash the person about this forever. If you chose to remain with your spouse after you found out what happened, healing has to begin. It does not make you a fool for trusting. You have chosen the road that takes a lot of character. You have given your spouse the opportunity to sink or swim. You have given all you can, based on what you've told us. It is in your wife's hands and you can not control her. All you can do is suggest and try to make your relationship so good she won't feel the need to wonder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina: I truly appreciate your response. I'm just looking for reassurence. Afterall, the emails I discovered were on her work email. I feel that she should have nothing to hide.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): it's easier saying you trust her than doing it. i'm going through something similar at the moment. it's hard for me to understand why people would be willing to do something like that to their significant other.yes, it is an invasion of privacy on some level, but if she can't humor you, and bear with it to help you trust her again, then there is a problem. you do need to tell her how you feel about it rather than coming here to ask but whatever you do, be calm.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Hi
maybe your wife won't give you her password to her email account because she dosen't trust you
maybe you would send emails to different woman and what if she caught you
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Your trust issues are normal, but saying that you made a choice to forgive and give her a second chance. That means you decided to let go of the past and focus on the future. So why are you asking to look at her mail?.... Because you fear losing everything you’ve invested in over the years. The only way you are going to feel free from this fear is to realize that you are important and worthy person (I know affairs, being emotional or physical leave you feeling worthless, insignificant). What I am trying to say is, it’s not about her it’s about you, you can’t go clinging on to her, watching her every move. You can’t force her to love you. All you can do is give 100% expect nothing in return and she will find her way. But this mistrust and waiting for her to slip up is making you and her unhappy. Let go and trust that whatever she does with your trust, she’s doing it knowing the consequence. The rest will fall into place.
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