A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are young (22-24) and newly married (just over 1yr) and it seems like he doesn't want to have sex. No kids, We cuddle, lay in bed naked every night, go out on date nights, talk all the time, and do the massages often. I've even tried the toys and tickly lubes, candles, romantic settings and nothing seems to turn him on. He says hes "just tired" and it will be at least 2-3 weeks if I just don't try and leave it up to him to make the moves. If I do try to turn him on, I get resistance and usually he gives in at least 1-2 weeks later... by saying-alright we can have sex tonight if you want. Why is he not interested?? What can I do?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kelaine +, writes (30 October 2010):
That's a good question! My husband is the same way and we just got married 2 months ago. We decided when we started our relationship that to prevent the problems that come from premature sexual relationships, we wouldn't have sex before we got married. We are very sexually attracted to each other but then we got married and we only have sex like once or twice a week.
I ask him to have sex with me or flirt with him, but rejection hurts and so a lot of the time I just don't even want to initiate because it really hurts my feelings if he rejects me.
But I think that a man's ego at work can translate into his ego in the bedroom and I know my husband has been having lots of problems at work since even before we got married, so I hope that's what it is.
I know he isn't masturbating on his own or looking at porn, and he tells me I just need to work harder to flirt with him because when he's so exhausted from work its hard for him to want to have sex.
I don't know. It's hard because like you our relationship is great in almost all other aspects, but sex is such an important part of a relationship that I just wish we could fix this!
A
female
reader, daaphne  +, writes (18 June 2008):
Maybe he is bored with predictability and availability. I would suggest stopping all physical affection...touching and all the non-sexual stuff. Wear pyjamas. Try to develop some tension/physical distance between you. As well, try to get out of pressuring him and go out with the girls (develop your own life) so that you appear mysterious and a bit unavailable (exciting). Also, try to have sex somewhere else than the bedroom, try other places in the house or in the world. (offer a hand job in the car) See if that wakes things up. And never guilt trip etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): Hi anonymous,
I had the same problem with my husband. We are also newly married. I have found that basic genuine and loving affection not involving any sexual intentions or obvious desires for sex first,show him that you love him with or without sex. When you initiate sex or show first that you want it.. it may convey to him that he doesn't have to do anything to get you aroused.. you're just always aroused and ready. In his mind it may convey to him that he is a piece of meat. Though this scenario is not always case. He could be stressed by outside factors which put his desire for sex on the back burner.
Do the best you can to support your husband and become closer to him in other ways than sex. He will appreciate your patience tremendously and it will make him happier and more comfortable, and could also improve his confidence. Try it and see the difference. Just be patient with your husband and remain sensitive to his feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): my husband and i have been married 5 yrs almost and he dont kiss me unless i kiss him first,he does not say he loves me unless i say it first,and we dont have sex ever,unless he already has a boner from something and i try to rub on him,maybe my mARRIAGE IS OVER,i know he does not cheat cuz we are together 24/7 maybe he gots someone else on his mind
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): me n my husband r married for 5 years its been 6 mnths that he doesnt want me to even touch him he goes out wid friend comes back n masturbates
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): My husband sound a like like your husband. We have been married for 1 year and 4 months. Ever since we've been married we dont have sex as often, in fact, the last time we had sex was 4 months ago for his birthday and before that we didn't have sex for 6 months. I would really like to know why he doesn't want to have sex with me. I do everything possible to try to turn him on, but nothing works. He says his tired or he just says he doesnt want to. I've even asked his directly and he still says no. I am an attractive women and I don't seem to undertand. I am 28 and his 29. Should I divorce him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): i dont know exactly why he doesnt want to have sex with you but i do know what can help.my husband and i have only been married for 8 months and he sometimes isnt interested in facts he sounds alot like your husband.the most important thing to do is remember you are very sexy take care of your self and your body and do things that make you feel good like when you were single and honestly,just ingnore him!sometimes all a guy needs is a little space. and honestly you just need something to distract you while he rediscovers what a beautiful woman you know you are.trust me he fall all over you the moment you touch him for the first time in a while
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A
female
reader, jae +, writes (15 February 2007):
Sorry, Sweetie, but it's possible he's gay. I have personally known several women who married gay men and had children before leaving the wife for another man. (My daughter for one.) Observe his behavior around attractive males. Find out before you invest too many years. Of course, I may be dead wrong.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 February 2007):
 Okay, honey. I don't think your husband is having sexual relations with your sister or your family. I'm not assuming he's out cheating on you (all though the possibility of cheating isn't ruled out).
I agree with 'Hannieseds' all the way. And if your sex life was great before the marriage then after the wedding it dropped to THIS point, I'd think that he's having some inner troubles. All the sudden he REALIZED what he's done, and it takes some guys a little wihle to get used to the fact they're not single and having sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives. How to solve this? Time, communication, and if he's problems are deeply seeded, talking to someone else. Sending him off to a therapist.
Like Hannie said, you're doing everything right. You're being a trooper. Maybe his mind is heavy with something that's preventing him from really being able to perform. Also, maybe he's having trouble getting it up and he's too embarrassed to have sex (just throwing that idea in the mix).
I'd tell him that you're really starting to feel hurt by his resistance. Be honest with him. Tell him you're wondering if you're just not doing it for him anymore. (I'm sure that's not the reason he's avoided this, but if he sees that THAT'S how you're taking his resistance, he might tell you the actual reason so you know that he still loves you and wants you.)
Alright, good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
P.S. I seriously do not think he is sleeping with your sister or family members.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2007): Probably he's having a sexual connection with your sister or someone in your family near to you?
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A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (14 February 2007):
 Hey sweetie,
Congrats on your marriage by the way.
So you are doing nothing wrong and everything right to try and get him in the mood it seems. Good on you for trying so many different things and for wanting to keep the passion alive. But it is concerning that nothing you are doing is having much of an effect. Is it possible he has some kind of erection problem? Perhaps there is some underlying psychological reason he can't get in the mood no matter what you do. Don't for a second think it is you babe, there is obviously something going on with him.
Encourage him to talk to you about it. You need to have a talk with him and express your concerns about his lack of sexual desire. He may just need to get some things out in the open, or perhaps he doesn't realise he has some kind of erectile dysfunction problem. He may not, he may just have a low sex drive. What was your sex life like before you married?
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