A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am in a relationship with a great girl, we have been together for 3 years.One problem we have is that she doesn't believe me when I tell her that I don't watch porn at all.I don't watch porn, at all, but she thinks I am lying. Why does she think that it's inevitable that I watch porn? Why doesn't she believe me? Her lack of trust in me causes fights, I just want to prove to her once and for all that I don't watch porn, or do anything like that. How do I prove it?Thanks.
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male
reader, literaryhovel +, writes (7 February 2009):
Oh my God. These 'answers' are hard to believe.
Listen.. 1st of all, there's nothing wrong with watching porn to begin with. I used to watch it on my own sometimes, and masturbate to it, but that did not reflect anything on my relationship. I know it's hard for girls to believe, but it's not you, most of the time; biologically, men are more sexual creatures, and that's what men do. Not all men, but for the most part, if sex is available, end of story. I never wanted 'less sex,' etc.; it's simply watching other folks get it on, and getting off on it. Believe it or not, I usually did not even fantasize about the person on screen, but about my girlfriend. It's just a 'different feeling,' not better, not worse than sex, just different - men need variety. Sorry girls!
2nd, I recently introduced my girlfriend to porn. Now, we both love it, and sometimes plan "video nights" - they add to sex. We look at different guys, girls, sex positions, storylines, etc., and comment - it's fun, and turns both of us on. No, it's not "pathetic," no, it's not evidence of a "sour relationship" - it's just a lot less bland & psychotic than whatever poor personality traits some of this hysteria betrays. So, dear Anonymous: you do not get a "bravo" for being in the "minority," or anything silly like that. I will simply acknowledge that you have your preferences, and I have mine; no need to 'get into' porn if you don't like it, but there's certainly no need to criticize those that do.
3rd, your question: if she doesn't trust you, and, against all reason insists that you watch porn when you don't, you're dealing with an insecure, emotionally immature girlfriend. Best advice is to reassure her, but it's really up to her. No, don't tell her, "Check through my computer!" - when you deal with jealousy and insecurity, it's not a matter of "reason," or logical thought, or debate.. it's someone that will not listen to any of the above. As Iago says, the jealous will fabricate "evidence" where none exists.. so, if you show her your computer, and find nothing, she'll just think you're crafty.
4th, porn is sometimes a serious problem. For those in the industry, there is exploitation, humiliation, and the feeding of bizarre and destructive fetishes and fantasies. Sometimes, men will have some pretty banal, idiotic expectations about sex. Who knows, people are real dullards and idiots. They can also become addicted, and the relationship will suffer. But, if a man chooses porn over you, it's not the porn that's doing it - it's either you, or his sudden lack of attraction. That's a place for relationship counseling. Porn, then, is an escape, not a cause, in the same way alcohol is not the cause of alcoholism, but the mere tool. Alcoholics don't become alcoholics without some genuine initial problems, psychologically & circumstantially.
5th, grow up, all of you. Yes, I know there are insecurities here, etc., and men should be sensitive to these issues, but ultimately, these insecurities are with YOU. Porn has nothing to do with you. If you want it to do something with you, pop a video in, and drag him over. Who knows, you might enjoy it - I enjoy watching it with my girlfriend far more than I ever did alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Lack of trust in your relationship, your girlfriend thinks your a liar. You can't prove anything to her, she will find out for herself in time. Sorry, but you can't do anything to get someone to trust you. They either believe you or they don't.Most men, not all, but most men like pornography. Tell her that, but remind her that some don't like it, some find it disgusting, you are one of the few that don't need to use it. It's a lie to think All men like porn, nope, there are many who find that they don't like it at all. Unfortunately they are in the minority.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): It's really too bad you're going through this with your girlfriend. All I can say is that I went from being a very trusting girlfriend who never considered checking up on my ex--how he spent his time, his cell phone, calendar, etc.--to now being insecure and untrusting after dealing with two years of his compulsive masturbating to porn. I'm working on getting back to who I used to be--I don't want this impact on me, on future relationships or on innocent men who may come into my life. But, I can tell you, it's hard. Your girlfriend sounds like she may have been the partner of a man who used, and I if so, I do understand her pain. But, she has an obligation to you, as well as to herself to get better. Show her this note. I hope it helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Tell her to check you PC, phone whatever.
Well done for not being a typical man.
But you have to understand that most men lie about it maybe some of her friends have partners that they have caught. Have a talk about it it with her!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): say "why do i need porn baby i have you"worked for me;]
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A
female
reader, shaashiie +, writes (21 November 2008):
 Just look at these threads on this website, women are told that ALL men watch porn and that it's healthy, and then when they have problems with it the women are critisized. My boyfriend told me for 3 years he didn't watch porn and I found out he did. All I can say is just give it time and show her how much you love her. I really can't think of a way you can prove it, just be open and honest with her and she will come around. Let her look through your computer whenever she feels uneasy until she gets it into her head that you're not doing anything behind her back. This is all I can really think of..And bravo for having some self control!!!
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A
male
reader, Bryanz +, writes (17 November 2008):
I agree with EbonyBlossom. Just be patientBut like, it could be because most teenagers (yes that means females too) look at or watch pornography. No matter what, and yes same with me. My girlfriend caught me watching it and playing with myself. Its not a big deal, they don't care if you watch it, when you watch it. You don't prove anything, she will learn you don't.
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A
female
reader, MissUnique  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 Well, maybe she has only ever known men that do watch porn, and she's determined to think that you do too. Ask her why she's so insistent that you watch it, and ask why doesn't she believe you when you're telling her you don't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): You just have to be patient. Let her search the house and computer. Tell her you love her and you would never do it because you know how much it bothers her! What kind of experience did she have with her exes? Maybe they watched pron all the time and she is tarring men with the same brush because of them.
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