A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend and she is in this on again off again with her abusive boyfriend. this wouldn't be an issue if this wasn't going on 10 times in a row. her boyfriend would hit her, smack her, say that they are breaking up just make her cry, call her a slut, the list goes on. She always comes crawling back to me and some of her friends. And she would tell the same sappy story.and we try our best to help her. and after she says that she is done she goes back to him within the next day or week i have asked why she does this and all she can say is "i love him" when he dosn't lover her .this has gotten to the point where she has no friends besides me and my other friend.and i dont know what to do. im a huge bleeding heart softy but im at my limits with it. is she doing this because she lieks being treated like crap, does like all the attention she is getting or is there something else?please help me with this issue somebody, anybody! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): she keeps going back because being in an abusive relationship wears down a person's self esteem. without self esteem she has no motivation to do anything to help herself. By now she feels that she's not worthy of anything, the thought of being on her own terrifies her yet she feels she'll never find anyone better, she believes that this is the best she'll ever get, she has zero confidence to be on her own, she feels that being without him is worse than being with him. He's still nice to her, most abusers aren't abusing their partners 24/7. It's a cycle. There will be good times where she will think this isn't so bad, this is a normal relationship after all, then there will be an incident. Then after that things will go back to being peaceful again. she believes that if only she can do what he wants, be what he wants, then he'll keep on being good to her so she keeps trying.
Another thing is that even if people want to leave their abusive partners, they are afraid of what will happen if they do. Their partner may hunt them down and harm them. It's a very real possibility document with statistics. women in abusive relationships are in the most danger right after they try to leave. even if she wants to leave she may feel it's too scary so the best she can do is stay with him and try to make the best of it.
at some point, people who are used to being abused actually expect to be treated like crap so they are now helping the abuser to abuse them. they don't enjoy it, but they come to view it as normal and familiar so they don't aspire to anything better. they get tunnel vision, their world is closed off.
you cannot do anything to change her mind because she is really messed up now. Only when she gets so messed up that something in her snaps and she realizes she has to leave then can she be helped.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 August 2011):
 People in abusive relationships often develop a kind of Stockholm Syndrome where they have undying dedication and love to their abusers. It's not her fault and it's really barely even her choice. It's unclear why this happens, but basically it's incredibly hard for most people to leave abusive relationships, probably even harder than leaving a non-abusive one.
The only way you can help is to keep listening and being supportive and to keep trying to get through to her.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Honestly, there's nothing you can do. She has to want to help herself, but she doesn't because she keeps going back. This isn't love and she needs to see that but she can't if she's not willing. The only thing you can really do is stand by her when she needs you. Keep talking to her and letting her know that this guy's a piece of shit and she doesn't deserve him. Maybe eventually she'll get it through her head and actually leave him for good. But the only thing you can do is stand by her. Even if you feel like having nothing to do with her because she's blinded by infatuation, stand by her because that's what friends do. Hope this helps and I hope your friend realizes what she's gotten herself into.
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