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female
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anonymous
writes: I need more advice. I wrote this question: my fiance and I have been together for two years until last week when he said out of the blue that he doesn't want to be with me, and he loves me but isn't in love with me. He feels he is too young to be in a serious relationship. I'm still in love with him and know we can work this out but he's barely speaking to me. How can I win back his love and ressurect the relationship?Since then we have spoken again and he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship as he wants to spend more time getting to know himself, but he loves me. We then spoke again and had a really good chat. I asked him if he thought we could work things out and he said he wasn't sure. I suggested taking the pressure off and having 'date nights', giving each other lots of space to do our own thing as well as time together, to which he replied he's still not sure. Really need to sort this out. It sounds pathetic but he is my soul mate.
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (7 June 2006):
 Hey,
You poor thing, I can tell through your words how confused and unhappy you are. I hate how men can do this to us!
You know the saying - If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if not it was never meant to be? Well maybe you really have to reach down into the depth of your soul here and turn the tables around. YOU need to take a gamble here I think and say to him that you cannot sit around waiting for him to make a decision on YOUR future. You need to tell him that you can't handle this anymore, even though I know how much it hurts and how much you love him, but this seems like the only chance of him seeing what he is almost about to lose.
I was in a similar situation about 4 months ago with my man. Long story short - he didn't know if he wanted to be with me. So I moved out for a week to give him space and time to think and at the end of the week he still didn't know! For the love of pete! So I turned around to him and said, fine, I'm not sitting around waiting for you to decide if you want me! I'm outta here! God-damn it hurt like hell, because part of me meant it and part of me didn't. That afternoon I got a phone call from him saying that he didn't want to lose me and we COULD make this work. He said all he could think about was me with someone else and that almost killed him and made him realise how stupid he was and how close he was to losing the best thing he'll ever have.
Take the upper hand here, I truely think that this is all you can do now. As midgetgem said, you can't back him into a corner and keep pressuring him, as that won't achieve anything. YOU be in control of this and call the shots - if he truely loves you then he will realise what he is losing. I hope that this does work for you as it did for me (not that I did it to get him back, I truely couldn't handle him not knowing if he still wanted me, and then when he turned around and said he did, I was still very very hurt and made him work to get me back!).
Take a chance and do this and please let me know how things go okay. xxx
A
female
reader, midgetgem +, writes (6 June 2006):
 I'd say give him the time and space he needs, he won't respect you for pushing him.
I know it's really hard but most men don't like being backed into a corner where relationships are concerned.
You also need to take some time to 'get to know yourself'. After being in a relationship for that length of time you tend to lose your sense of self. Get in touch with old friends, have a few nights out and talk to your girlfriends, they can usually give you some great perspective on life as they tend to know you best.
Oh, and don't fall into the trap of calling him when you're drunk. Ask your friends to look out for you.
If he really wants you he'll come back to you. Believe me it's not worth the cost to your self esteem chasing a man who no longer wants you.
And while you're out there enjoying yourself you may meet a man who really appreciates you for who you are.
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