A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend does not trust me whatsoever, and I havn't done anything to break his trust. Once I had my suspicions of him flirting with another girl on the Internet. However I did not make a big deal about it, because I knew how he felt for me. She messaged me one day, and said my boyfriend was calling me "just a friend." I had told him I wasnt going to talk to her, because there had been an issue with her in the past, however I responded to it. Of course, she mentioned what I'd said to my boyfriend. He chewed me out, saying he'd never trust me again because I had talked to her, and completely ignored the fact that he was flirting with another girl and I caught him!! Rediculous, to say the least.He gets so angry when I talk to other guys. And its hard for me, because I have alot of male friends, particularly musicians because I am one myself. I hear all of this "no trust, no relationship" and I'm starting to believe it to be the truth. We run in circles everyday of "can I trust you?" "do you promise?" "what if you break that promise? is there gonna be a next time?" It makes me tired and sick. He's talked to a lot of girls for months and months before me, but his relationships never went anywhere...just like this one isn't. All of the girls in his past make it clear that he was an ass.I'm a smart girl and I never take shit. However I really love this guy, and I want to give this my best shot...but is it really worth it in the end? Anyone's help would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/6-28-2005-72248.asp
http://www.cupidsreviews.com/article/Building-Trust-In-Relationships.html
http://www.relationshipgold.com/Trust/demolishtrust.htm
Above are some articles on trust building in relationships...this is a hard one for couples, especially uncommitted ones, and from your post I am not able to tell which of you is the more committed one in your relationship. As you have a lot of male friends who are musicians so I am guessing you do a lot of things with these guys without your boyfriend around....so he may be suspicious or fearful so you may want to address that possibly by introducing him as your boyfriend in front of him to all of these friends, etc. and he is texting women on the internet? That sounds pretty dicey to me, sorry...but he is so worried that you might be cheating, so which comes first, is he retaliating instead of talking? You can answer that best, you know your relationship.
I don't agree with rcn that this guy is a complete control freak, I think he is fearful perhaps or a cheater/player, it is hard to tell through your writing, but your anger aned irritation with him is coming in loud and clear...and that is what I think the core issue is...you are both irritating each other instead of sitting down and having the "relationship talk"...like where is this going...and really it should be your boyfriend who should be the on to start that conversation if he hasn't already....and it sounds to me as if he is testing the waters with this other girl....as I tend to believe women when they say a guy is talking as if you're only friends and he is single and keeping his options open....so he may be doing that, but is afraid he is going to lose the good thing he has going on with you.
Perhaps, you may want to start dating other people for awhile or take a break from this relationship unless you think that would completely destroy you trust.
I think being honest and open about what you both want and expect is in order. Sometimes we put a sexual relationship ahead of a true friendship....the cart comes before the horse, which is all wrong....maybe you all are trying to be sexually faithful, but your heart, your friendship is not there yet.....maybe take a step back and slow the pace of the relationship down, go back to dating and getting to know each other better with out the main focus being the sexual relationship.....just a thought.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/6-28-2005-72248.asp
http://www.cupidsreviews.com/article/Building-Trust-In-Relationships.html
http://www.relationshipgold.com/Trust/demolishtrust.htm
Above are some articles on trust building in relationships...this is a hard one for couples, especially uncommitted ones, and from your post I am not able to tell which of you is the more committed one in your relationship.
I don't agree with rcn that this guy is a complete control freak, I think he is fearful perhaps or a cheater/player, it is hard to tell through your writing, but your anger aned irritation with him is coming in loud and clear...and that is what I think the core issue is...you are both irritating each other instead of sitting down and having the "relationship talk"...like where is this going...and really it should be your boyfriend who should be the on to start that conversation if he hasn't already....and it sounds to me as if he is testing the waters with this other girl....as I tend to believe women when they say a guy is talking as if you're only friends and he is single and keeping his options open....so he may be doing that, but is afraid he is going to lose the good thing he has going on with you.
Perhaps, you may want to start dating other people for awhile or take a break from this relationship unless you think that would completely destroy you trust.
I think being honest and open about what you both want and expect is in order. Sometimes we put a sexual relationship ahead of a true friendship....the cart comes before the horse, which is all wrong....maybe you all are trying to be sexually faithful, but your heart, your friendship is not there yet.....maybe take a step back and slow the pace of the relationship down, go back to dating and getting to know each other better with out the main focus being the sexual relationship.....just a thought.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/6-28-2005-72248.asp
http://www.cupidsreviews.com/article/Building-Trust-In-Relationships.html
http://www.relationshipgold.com/Trust/demolishtrust.htm
Above are some articles on trust building in relationships...this is a hard one for couples, especially uncommitted ones, and from your post I am not able to tell which of you is the more committed one in your relationship.
I don't agree with rcn that this guy is a complete control freak, I think he is fearful perhaps or a cheater/player, it is hard to tell through your writing, but your anger aned irritation with him is coming in loud and clear...and that is what I think the core issue is...you are both irritating each other instead of sitting down and having the "relationship talk"...like where is this going...and really it should be your boyfriend who should be the on to start that conversation if he hasn't already....and it sounds to me as if he is testing the waters with this other girl....as I tend to believe women when they say a guy is talking as if you're only friends and he is single and keeping his options open....so he may be doing that, but is afraid he is going to lose the good thing he has going on with you.
Perhaps, you may want to start dating other people for awhile or take a break from this relationship unless you think that would completely destroy you trust.
I think being honest and open about what you both want and expect is in order. Sometimes we put a sexual relationship ahead of a true friendship....the cart comes before the horse, which is all wrong....maybe you all are trying to be sexually faithful, but your heart, your friendship is not there yet.....maybe take a step back and slow the pace of the relationship down, go back to dating and getting to know each other better with out the main focus being the sexual relationship.....just a thought.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Hi I know you love him and all but he's thinking of himself and is very immature. I know how strong love can be but sometimes you need to walk away from someone even someone you really love. I'm not saying it will be a piece of cake I'm just saying it's the right thing to do. If you continue in this relationship you are most likely to be hurt in the end. I know it will be hard for you but please for your own sake break up with him.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 February 2008):
 Smart and don't take shit, but weak. Let me ask you this. Are relationships supose to be a choice where your with one guy, but then you have to give up all your friends? Relationships come and go, but good friends are hard to find, and keep.
He has no right to tell you what to do and what not too. He can't tell you who to speak with and who not too. He can't even tell you not to cheat on him. He can trust you not too, and decide not to be with you if you did, but he can't control you from the action.
You're not in a partnership with this guy. This is the beginning of controling behavior. It begins here until you can't go anywhere, talk on the phone, go to the store for longer than a certain period of time, not talk too anyone who he feels may threaten the relationship including your parents, so they don't know what's going on. And quite often when this form of control increases, so does the idea of using violence to control what he hasn't been able too already.
You deserve to be treated better than this, and if you want to stay with this person, you have to lay down your expectations for how you are to be treated, and if he crosses them or ignores your request, say goodbye before it gets harder to do so.
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A
female
reader, Meryl C.  +, writes (29 February 2008):
Trust is a very big part in a relationship. If you don't have trust, what do you have? Okay, so the feelings might be there, but without trust the relationship won't go very far. You said yourself that this relationship isn't going anywhere, why hold off the enevitable? By staying in this relationship you're becoming hurt yourself. You know you can be trusted, especially with him because you love him. But he doesn't see it that way, he's doubting you and the way you act. And doesn't trust you with male contact. He seems a bit insecure with him not liking you talking to your friends who are guys. In my opinion, friends always come before a partner. You may love them more than anyone else. But generally, your friends were there long before your partner. And by him not liking you talking to them, it's also affecting them.
Ask yourself one question.. "Am I happy in this relationship?"
After you find the answer. I'm sure you'll know what you want to do.
Letting go of someone is hard. But sometimes it's the right and only thing to do.
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (29 February 2008):
 HiI don't trust my boyfriend either.. well I do in some point .. but unfortunately not "fully"!! And the bad part is .. HE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS! ... he is the greatest guy in the whole world, that loves me deeply and does everything there is to please me ... yet ... I still can't trust him.WHY?I have trusted many people before .. and I got screwed by them every single time,when I finaly started fully trusting them. So I builded this BIG WALL in my heart and I wont let anyone go throught it, cause I am scared I will get hurt again ... I know its wrong ... but I can't help it.Maybe he just needs time.I didn't trust my BF at all at the begining(every time he looked at someone else, I had stupid comments to it, checked his comp, asked who called, who is this and that, why do you talk w him and her .. blah blah blah - SOOO STUPID!!!) .. but he is slowly building me back up .. and I am slowly letting him show me, that he is worth my trust! I know I wont probably be ever able to trust "fully" to anyone... but I love this guy, and I can imagine beeing w him for the rest of my life and have family w him .. and so I sure do TRY to do my best in changing myself back to where I was, before I met all those people, that srewed me up.Maybe your BF was hurt badly in the past .. maybe you dont even know .. maybe he has the same or simillar issue like I do and he just can't trust anyone ... maybe not even himself ... Don't give up!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 February 2008):
 You said you are smart and don't take shit. I am afraid I don't agree with you.
How can go out with a guy who is immature ,emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative and want to control you?
This is a recipe for disaster.
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