A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm getting married in about a month but I have a question. I'm wondering if my fiance is just very insensitive or if it is just a guy thing.A few years ago (during the first year that we were dating) my mother was in the hospital for several months and almost died a couple of times. During that time, he never once asked me about her or how she was doing. I dismissed it at the time though - because he didn't know her and we hadn't been dating that long.A couple years ago, my father found out he had kidney cancer and needed part of his kidney removed. They weren't sure he would make it through the surgery because of other health complications. Again, while I was going through that he never asked about my father. Even on the day of the surgery he didn't call to find out how it went. I got upset (obviously) and he promised it wouldn't happen again. I told him that if it did, I would never tell him again about anything like that.A few months later, my cousin was badly injured and almost died. Again, he didn't seem particularly interested and never asked about it. So I decided at that point I wasn't going to tell him anything else.2 weeks ago, I found out that there is a very very strong chance that my mother has cancer. I didn't tell him for about a week and I wasn't going to. But it ended up coming up because we were going to re-locate and it was a big reason that I decided not to right now. He asked why I hadn't told him sooner and asked if it was just because I didn't want to face it yet. I said "No, it was because everytime I tell you something like this, you hurt me by not caring or asking about it." All he said was "oh" and changed the subject. So you would think that with that much of a warning and knowing how much it hurts me that he would be sure to ask this time. Nope. It's been over a week and I've been making a point to bring my mother up all the time and he still hasn't asked if I've found anything out yet.I know that he cares about me a lot, but I am really concerned about this. Why does he still do it when he knows how much it hurts me? Am I making a mistake marrying him? Or is this just a typical guy thing that I should just get used to?Any advice?Thanks,-S
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): It's possible he's just the type of person who doesn't know how to react or show sympathy for other people. Some people have a great deal of compassion for the well-being of others, and some simply don't. The failure to illicit an emotional response isn't really a flaw, unless you make it one... what I mean by that is, you need to decide whether someone who generally cannot sympathize with other people is the type of person you want to spend you life with. Or rather, even if he does not sympathize with others, does not have the sense to ask you how you feel about it, despite you dropping hint after hint after hint that it is something you care about. The former is something that is a matter of character, difficult to change; while the latter is something you can work on together so long as he is willing.
People deal with tragedy in their personal lives in different ways. For someone like you, who needs to talk problems through or unload, you need someone who either genuinely cares or can at least show they care in order to make you feel better. For others, they may opt to ignore or not talk about personal problems in order to get over it. Your fiance, in this respect, is probably better suited for for this type of person... however, I think it's a pretty much a non-issue. Again, your fiance can learn to show sentiment, even if it is not genuine; it is token kindness if he does not share emotional attachments to your family, but so long as he respects you and them, he can do a lot worse than that. I wish you the all the best.
A
male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (9 May 2008):
 I disagree, I don't feel anything's necessarily "wrong", I'm sure he does have feelings, but it's hard for some people to feel worried, sad, or compassionate about people that they have no emotional ties too. I know if my girlfriend told me her dad died, It wouldn't effect me in any way, I'd just ask her if she's ok, give her a hug, and life moves on.
Just because he doesn't show some overly emotional reaction, doesn't mean he does not care about you. I just means that the news of your family being in ill-health simply does not effect him in that way.
Another thing is, A lot of guys, unlike women, prefer to not really "talk" about things that bother us, It's sort of pounded into our head, just like the notion that "men don't cry", Women are much more open, and will ask, and seek out details. Men don't need/want details most of the time.
Why not try asking him if he cares? Just calmly speak to him, and tell him how it hurts you (again) and tell him "Look, I don't expect you to cry and be sad because something happens to my family, but at least be considerate and offer some sort of a shoulder to cry on, when i need it."
Just remember, even if he loves you, he is NOT obligated to care about your family, just treat them with respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Oh, I've had so much going on this week that I messed up the dates. It has been 4 days, not over a week since I told him about my mother. That doesn't make it much better since I have mentioned her repeatedly and given him many chances to ask about her, but I do want to have the facts straight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): He says that he doesn't ask because he assumes that I will just tell him. I don't think that is a valid excuse though after I have told him how I feel about it. I hope that you're wrong about the second part. It doesn't seem like that to me. He seems pretty genuine about wanting to do nice things for me. I feel really torn. Most of the time I can't wait for the wedding but then other times I have these serious doubts. I don't want to ever end up divorced, but I also can't picture not being with him. We've been together for a very long time (almost 5 years) and we're almost always very happy together and we have tons of fun together. We seem like a perfect match in so many other ways and everyone around us agrees, that's what makes it so complicated. This issue raises huge concerns for me and if someone else asked the same question I did, I would give them the same advice you did. But it's hard when everything else is perfect to leave for just that. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Thank you for responding quickly. I'm the one that posted this question. He treats his mother and sister very well. He also generally treats me very well. He goes out of his way to do things to help me when I'm busy or stressed. He also constantly gives me massages and stuff and does sweet things like that. I'm sure that he loves me and he shows it in every other way besides this issue. He does seem a bit sociopathic in that he doesn't have much empathy for others generally, but he usually does for me. And he does for his family. That's why it's so confusing... Any more questions, just let me know.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (9 May 2008):
Mistake to marry I think - He has no compassion for you - your family? What about his family? Have you met them? How does he treat his mother? His sisters?
You may want to take another look at this engagement - I suspect he is either emotionally cold for some reason ( maybe a past hurt?) or he is self-absorbed - either way you need to know and understand because I am guessing that when you need him in you life together ( pregnancy illness death of family) he will not be there for you and you deserve someone who wants to make sure you are ok and you can trust to help you thru -
Good Luck
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