A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Why does every close group stop being close as soon as I join? This has been happening since I was little. The whole main reason I joined gymnastics is because I wanted friends. But everyone was so mean to me. They all had their hair done up and made fun of me since my mom just cut mine off. I also had glasses strapped to my head since I was cross eyed without them. All the instructor said to me was "why are you here? I'm trying to make a team and you ruin it". I also joined Brownies because I liked the idea of making friends and having confidence and the leader said everyone was close till I joined. I asked why and she said "maybe it's you". As soon as I dropped out every one was best friends again. I tried youth group and even Christians were mean to me.like I'd sit by them at lunch and they'd just get up and leave. I joined marching Band which was SUPPOSED to be a big family and the group fell apart as soon as I joined. One girl, my only friend, said I messed it up. What do I do wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Something else I want to add. You really shouldn't just join a group to make friends. You have to bring something to the table. You have to share the team-spirit and do your best.
Never get involved over your head. If you think you can be good at it, try. If you're not good at it, it only means you joined something you were not cut-out for.
You also have to talk your feelings out to your mother. She shouldn't be chopping your hair off; if you want to do something different with it. Be grown-up enough to tell her. If you act like a little girl; she'll chop it off, because you're not taking care of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Special people and people who are set aside for greatness often do not fit-in. It isn't you that broke-up the group, it's intolerance and cruelty that broke them apart.
Being different myself, I always felt too shy to add my two-cents. During my school years, I walked around campus with my head down; trying to fly below the radar to avoid eye-contact. Which meant I would have to talk and keep-up a conversation; or I would feel awkward and intimidated by popular people.
I was liked due to my artistic abilities and shy nature. Girls liked my looks, although I couldn't deal with the attention. I never wanted it. I just felt weird trying to fit into a clique. I just wanted to do my thing, and be left alone. I had friends, I just wanted to be a good student, stay unnoticed, and come and go as I pleased. Without feeling I had to offer allegiance to some group or pecking order. I'm a loner by nature.
Things change when you get older; when you're thrust into the real world. You discover your hidden talents, you find yourself, and you learn your true potential.
Awkwardness or being a social-outcast doesn't really mean there is anything wrong with you; there is something wrong with society. They set unreal standards for beauty, they're snobbish, and they are far too conceited these days. Thanks to social media, movies, and the beauty industry.
Sweetheart, be you. Continue your effort to make friends. I don't think it is as bad as you think it is. You're a teenager going through your awkward stage of growth and development; and searching for your niche. You're caught between being a teenager; and outgrowing the little girl you used to be. It's quite normal.
Your friend owes you both an explanation and an apology. If she's a real friend; she'll help you smooth whatever edges that need refinement. As a real friend; she really should be giving you encouragement, and standing-up for you.
Be yourself no matter what anybody says. Someday, you'll be something they'll be looking up to. This is often how it starts.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2017):
 I agree with Denizen,
ASK your friend to elaborate on HOW you messed up a WHOLE marching band by joining.
As for the gymnastics coaches - what a bunch of a-holes! To tell a little girl she shouldn't be there.
I understand you coming to the conclusion that it MUST be you that "ruins" things if YOU are the only common denominator, but... that isn't always true.
Now you MAY or MAY not be socially awkward or have no sense of situational awareness, BOTH which are important in making friends. When you ARE with a larger group like when you were doing matching band were you talking constantly trying to make friends or trying to learn what to do and how to do it?
If you are still in high school, I'd go talk to you school counselor about how to improve your social skills.
My youngest is in band class as well (will start marching band in HS as well) it's 115 kids. So NOT just one group. There are several. There are kids she gets along with and some she doesn't.
My middle daughter is in HS choir class and again - it's a HUGE group of kids, some she likes and gets along with and some she doesn't. I have never heard that there are anyone told that they "ruin" things for others or that they are not welcome, regardless of skill level and talent.
And my youngest is in HS theater. Again a large group of kids. And it IS divided into smaller groups.
I have 3 daughters. THEY don't even get along all the time. The one time a week they ALWAYS get along is when they volunteer at the animal shelter.
YOU are in HS - cliques are common. IF you jump from group to group to try and fit in without having the INTEREST for that group ( like the Christian kids) - they will sense it right off the bat. And since the school year is halfways over, jumping from groups can be seen as insincere, not as someone trying to make friends.
It is VERY hard to make friends when you don't know where to start and if you don't really know HOW to make friends.
Go talk to the counselor. See what options are available. And talk to your mom. She probably knows you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Did the mod write the title of your post or did you? I'm asking because your title probably hit the nail on the head, you try too hard! If you're so desperate for friends that you join groups you're not good at or experienced at, you'll come across as, well, desperate. Gymnastics and marching bands (I was in both) can be VERY competitive. I've seen friendships break up and get back together again over who got first chair French horn. Or because the woodwind quartet got a low score and they blamed the less talented member.
Gymnastics can be brutal too, and the stage moms even worse! It's not just athleticism, it's practically a beauty pageant. I don't know what happened with you and scouts or gymnastics but since Brownies tend to be 1st-4th graders, it's hard to believe adults would say that to a child that young but maybe they did. I'm thinking it was along the lines of, "does Jessi really enjoy gymnastics? It might be better if she joined a less competitive group or just stuck with backyard tumbling". If people did say those things, maybe YOU constantly said it too and they said it out of frustration.
Lastly, if a group of people are really close, it's hard for a newer person to "break in" to the group. Friendship and closeness comes naturally, it can't be forced. Maybe you're expecting (demanding?) a level of closeness they've been developing for years. They have a history together, something you don't have. Maybe you're better one on one than in a group.
Try a hobby you KNOW you're good at already. Maybe volunteer at a Humane Society and ask questions about the animals do you what behaviors or issues to look for. Being QUIET and OBSERVING animals will go a long way toward learning about them. Maybe join an art class at a museum that accepts ANY level of talent, or a book club. Again, less talking, more listening and observing.
I hope that helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): You may be younger than 16yrs and you may feel a bit lonely or bullied but the internet is no place to make friends.
Youngsters like yourself who seem to be unworldly and naively looking for friends on the net can often fall prey to "groomers".
Your real world problems should be sorted out in the real world so you should ask your mum, your teacher, your student councillor , your pastor etc why people are being unfriendly to you in real life!
You may be looking in the wrong place.
If you are near the age you say then you should seek help from a local community worker such as a social worker or school or college setting.
Safety online is of paramount importance and it makes sense to sort it out in the real world!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): There is an expression and it goes like this:"The stone that the builder refused shall be the headcornerstone."It was written by Bob Marley and put into his music.He had an extraordinary life but when he was young he couldnt find acceptance.His skin color was a different tone to most others around him and he faced a lot of rejection from people around him.However he was a deep thinker and he soon realised that no matter what man or woman said he was accepted by God.He knew the sunrise and the sunset was for him as much as for anyone else.He knew that the moon shone for him and lit his way on a clear night as much as for anyone else.He look after animals sometimes from an early age and he saw the differing temprements and characteristics of different animals.He noticed that the cat and dog could get on if they wanted. He saw how the fowl loved grain.And he noticed peoples differring levels of coldness when they wanted!Fortunately his mother loved him. And he knew God loved those on earth who led a non-evil life so he set about thinking about what he wanted to do with his life.Well he made an old guitar and had a go at playing it and when he found some similarly-minded friends they made a band and then they made hit after hit in his own country and just about survived.Finally he reached world wide recognition, wrote loads of songs, performed in many venues and travelled the world.His story is exceptional and it shows that if you concentrate on what you want to do, rather than what others think of you, you will achieve more than you could ever imagine.Sometimes it is not worth wondering what others think or why because it could just be a prejudice.You can get on and live and do your own thing.Maybe gymnastics wasnt for you.Possibly it was even dangerous with glasses that could break.Maybe Brownies wasnt going to be your thing and believe it or not churches are not always the friendliest of places.Very often noone bothers to talk to anyone.They just pray, pay and leave because they are too busy to stop.So maybe its not you.Maybe you expect a higher standard of friendliness than they have and they get defensive because they think you are criticising them.Maybe your unique gift is still hidden for now, but not forever.Maybe you just expect people to be nicer than they are.But you can keep smiling at them and feel good about yourself so that in the end they smile back.It doesnt mean theyre friends tho in the sense you want them to be because they might literally only think of themselves!So dont automatically blame yourself.Chances are that there is a better person in you than in them!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (21 January 2017):
 Well, you tell us. If it is really true and not just your imagination then you have to analyse what particular facet of your being is putting people off.
And it seems to be more. If what you say is correct you actually appear to be driving groups apart. That takes some doing.
As a starting point ask your friend - at least you have a friend - what she means by, 'You messed it up'.
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