A
male
age
26-29,
*rBigShot110
writes:I'm in a place now where my mentality is adversely affecting my ability to attract a mate. I'll start off by saying as of now, I see women as sex itself. For the most part, I don't care about their dreams, goals, past, family, etc. When I'm around women, I constantly feel a combination of fear, shame, anger, and frustration. I'm beginning to think I'm becoming a misogynist. My relationship with my mother is strained because she's an emotionally needy person and I don't want to deal with her personality. I also feel like she's a bit manipulative as well. My dad was passive and I was never told about sexuality by either one of them. I'm 20 now and haven't had a female friend in my circle since I was 12. They all pretty much dropped off due to time and some of my behaviour (broke up with a long time friend because I was bored and neither of us really wanted each other, was dating someone else at the same time, broke up with another good friend who liked me through text message because I wanted sex and she wasn't allowed to go out many places... We all went to the same school at some point, so as you can imagine, none of these girls speak to me anymore.) I have a pornography addiction as well that has arisen because I simply feel like I have nothing else and may never have a woman of my own. This only compounds the problem and causes me to see people in general as nothing more than their bodies or as devices to be manipulated to gain favour. I really don't care about anyone for the most part. Small talk is a chore and I only indulge because I don't want to come off as mean. I've noticed that the past few times I've been able to get some girls' phone numbers I've been a bit pushy. It's a manifestation of my frustrations of not being able to interact with women as often as I'd like and being rejected so often. I really feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I've developed a personality that almost guarantees I'll be rejected at some point during the courting phase or God forbid be part of a tumultuous relationship. Where do I go from here? This feels hopeless. I know I'm the cause but I don't know where to begin or what exactly needs to be fixed. What are your opinions of me? I think I may just be too selfish to love anyone.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 January 2017):
 Have you ever thought about going to counselling? You are very hard on yourself as you are still very young, but I would suggest trying to give up the porn for a start it is not helping you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): I agree with female anon. You're way too hard on yourself. A 20 year old guy who wants sex is not unusual. But maybe you're completely involving yourself too much with porn which results in viewing women only for their bodies. Put your self awareness to use. If you feel that's how you are, decide to change and then change!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Hi well I can say one thing . The level of self awareness you show and the capacity to actually even consider that you are ignoring the women's dreams and personal attributes suggests that you are a lot deeper than you think and are in fact not a mysogynist at all but instead , a young man going through a difficult time in a society that largely encourages men ( and yes , even women themselves ) to view women as nothing more than meat for sexual consumption Sure , many people will tell you that porn is harmless but after 50 years on this planet and many of those spends studying the issues of gender and sexuality I personally believe that that the majority of porn is extremely demeaning towards the female gender and that this does on many levels affect how consumers view women , whether they are aware of it or not Does this mean that sexuality or nudity are wrong ? Of course not . Does this mean there is no good porn out that that does not do degrade women , no it doesn't .What it means is that without this awareness many young men are developing attitudes such as you describe because they are ignorant or not aware of the issues around porn I would encourage you to educate yourself on the realities of the industry , continue your exploration of yourself as you are doing and be careful in what porn you choose to consume Just like what we put into our bodies , we become . What we put into our lives we become . Don't let poison attitudes from the porn poison your beliefs and attitudes about women and life Life is wonderful and many people are amazing . Surround yourself with those people and experiences and you become that too
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 January 2017):
 You're just in the habit of being a bit of a jerk.
You refuse to care about others - so learn why it's important. Volunteer your time to caring for things/people besides yourself.
Limit your porn use to once a week for no more than an hour. Also try to find less degrading porn.
Stop thinking about finding a girlfriend until you can go back to being a decent person.
It's not hard to do, it's just hard to stick to if you can't be bothered.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Sounds like a bad attitude. Things don't go your way, so you just get mean and moody. You might seek and pay for some counseling; but an attitude-adjustment doesn't cost a thing. It only takes practice and commitment to be a decent guy. Nobody can make you a good person but you. Counseling and therapy can't do that.
You are very cognizant of your behavior, and you're able to articulate your actions and feelings. So you pretty much know that something isn't right.
I think you spend a lot of time in your head, and you take rejection badly. It makes you angry and very resentful. You could seek therapy; but people can't run to a therapist for everything. Sometimes it just means you're being a jerk and nobody has taken a moment to tell you so. I mean man to man.
You are acting-out like the bratty little boy denied a cookie; because you got turned-down by a few girls. They were right in doings so; because that's what you get when you knowingly mistreat people.
So your response to all this, is to pretend you don't care about anybody. That isn't true, or you wouldn't have written a post about it.
A girl has a right to reject you or kick you to the curb; if you are disrespectful, and if she knows your only interest in her is sex. You've adopted this nonchalant arrogance; thinking that protects you, and hides your vulnerability. You're as human, vulnerable, and deep-down; as good as anybody else. You've built your invisible wall of defense, to keep people from demanding you to be civil. You just want to take what you want, and give nothing back.
That attitude just comes off as being a jerk, my friend.
Nothing is hopeless. That's a word invented by lazy quitters who don't want to challenge themselves, or be challenged. They want things to go perfect all the time without any effort on their part. They want the world beholden to their displeasure and over-developed sense of entitlement. Welcome to adulthood. Your tantrums just make you look childish and immature. It doesn't gain you respect and distances you from love. You do deserve love, and you're going to get it in due time. You know exactly what you're doing wrong.
Where do you start? Very simple. Treat people as you want to be treated. Be kind and respectful; even if you have to pretend to be. You know right from wrong.
Time to grow-up. Acting like a brat is costing you friends, distancing you from your mother, and your brooding even makes no sense to you.
You're not going to be alone for the rest of your life. Lashing out at everybody, because life isn't perfect; or isn't coming to you as you think it should, obviously has consequences. Nobody owes you anything. If you're making no effort to be good to people, they're just giving you what you deserve. Ignoring and rejecting you.
Try being nice to people, then see what happens.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (21 January 2017):
 If you think you are then you are probably right. You could try lending a hand helping someone who really needs it. Maybe you will discover the rewards of giving. Volunteer for something; some community project perhaps like clearing a public space. There are many opportunities if you look.
Or you can carry on being who you feel yourself to be.
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