A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my current boyfriend for 3 years. I consider myself to have been very supportive towards him during this time as he suffers from a mental health disorder. He continually drinks himself stupid. When he does this he gets verbally abusive towards me. During these 3 years he has fallen out with his 2 brothers (they now do not speak to him) and disowned his father. He has also self harmed and taken an overdose. He is now getting treatment from his doctor and is receiving counsellin. In January, the father of my children passed away. Our relationship has gone downhill since then. I suppose I don't know the right way to deal with this bereavement and have to tried to stay strong for my children. My boyfriend started keeping away - almost alienating himself from me. He would still call when drunk, get abusive and tell me I was dealing with it all wrong. The other week he went out drinking, picked a woman up in the pub and took her home. I sensed something was not right and went round to his house - they were in bed together. He denied it but I actually saw them. My head tells me to forget him and move on but why do I still love him? Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I've wasted 3 years of my life trying to help him but had it all thrown back in my face. I know he's selfish and never really truly loved me. It's such a shame because I did and still do truly love him. I was ready to take our relationship to the next level - move in together.
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female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 how can a man take care of you, if he cant take care of himself?
leave him.. 3 years is more than enough
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I was in a relationship with a man for 3 years. He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He was also verbally abusive towards me. He ruined his relationships with his family and I felt bad for him. Any problems we had, he told me was my fault. And I believed him. I stayed in the relationship believing that I could fix him and make his life better. I was so wrong. I loved him more than anything in the world, I even loved him more than I loved myself. I had no choice but to walk away from him for my own sake. The longer you stay in your relationship, the more you will lose who you are. You may not want to believe it, but he can't be fixed. You are punishing yourself by staying with him and putting up with his abuse and cheating. Don't stay any longer. Walk away now before you lose anymore of yourself in a one sided relationship like I did. I wish someone would have helped me understand this before I wasted so much time on him. Please walk away and start healing yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): By the way I have had two relatives who were addicted to alchohol and drugs. One is dead, he died from a blood disorder similar to leukemia, alcoholism KILLS bone marrow cells, it changes people at the cellular level.
He never did overcome his addiction.
Once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never become a cucumber again.....he is a lost cause as far as you are concerned, especially if he is in your age category, his time is up, my dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Although I am only 25 I have spent the last 3 years in a relationship with someone who constantly drank/got stoned and then was verbally abusive and sometimes physically aggressive (hair pulling, shoving) so I know exactly what you're going through.I will tell you why I think you still love him; you want to heal him, you want him to be the man you think he can be and you don't want to walk away from him when you feel he needs you the most - you might feel like you failed. Its like a scales - the more someone who needs help rejects you, the more emotionally torn you become over them, the worse the pain becomes. But you are torturing yourself. You have GOT to move on. He will only change IF/WHEN the change comes from WITHIN. The nature of his illness is such that if he doesn't want help, he will not be able to stay "on the wagon" he will relapse and it will probably be even worse than it is now. Do you really want to stick around to witness this?He is treating you appallingly! He is sleeping with other women and carrying on with this lifestyle in spite of your continuing love and support. I think the reason I found it so hard to let go was the thought that a woman might just come along in the future and succeed where I couldn't; the reality is it doesn't matter who comes along he's got to be in the right frame of mind to accept their help in the first place - the old cliché saying its not you its him, but it does apply in this instance.I feel terrible for you - you have had an awful year full of grief and unhappiness. You have every right to mourn the loss of your children's father - you loved him once, you share your genes in your children, its a sad loss even though your relationship didn't continue you were linked forever in your kids and that will always be with you so cut yourself some slack, be there for your children and don't be afraid to show them that you grieve for him too - it will probably bring you closer.You need to deal with your issues and try to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life for you. I know this is easier said than done, but you only get one life, you've got to give it your best shot and give your mind and soul time to heal from all the sadness you've been put through. Just remember you CANNOT babysit your boyfriend and you deserve someone who will make you happy, not tear you up.I hope this makes sense - I've based a lot of this on my experiences and hope I've related it relevantly to yours.Good luck, take care.xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Lady, you aren't going to like this but here is some tough love for you.
You are a co-dependent. You are PART OF THE PROBLEM INSTEAD OF THE SOLUTION for your alchoholic boyfriend. He needs to be in rehab and you need to be out of his life.
Please seek some help through therapy as to why you feel it is your responsibility to help and addict. Of course he doesn't love you, he can't, his personality is disentigrating due to his addiction and he is only in love with his drug, period. He is essentially insane, and so are you for sticking by him.
You should take your own life to the next level and move out without him and move on with your life. You can't save him, he isn't grateful, he is sick.....and this is an absolute dealbreaker. You are in an imaginary relationship as you cannot be in a relationship with a serious drunk.
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