A
female
age
30-35,
*earningtofly
writes:I hate that I'm pretty, I hate that boys like me. I hate it, because I have to truly be careful to see through which ones are jerks, and which ones aren't. I've been betrayed once by a very good friend, and the pain from that has weighed heavily on my heart. I feel like I wasn't good enough somehow, like I didn't measure up, and all it took was one slutty blonde to take my dear friend's love and attention from me. That was months ago, and I still feel the hurt and indignance that I did the moment he told me.Last night, another friend of mine sort of "uninvited" me to a fraternity formal and set me up instead with our mutual friend. He will be taking some girl who will be visiting from Florida. He told me he was in a "hard" situation because he really wanted our mutual friend to go, and apparently the mutual friend was going to ask me anyway, before he asked me.It was totally unexpected... and he posed the question in such a way that I couldn't say no, beginning with "Promise you won't be mad.." Every time something like this happens, I try to pretend like I don't care (although I let them know it kind of hurts, and I'm sure they know it too), and forget about it--but I can't. And my natural confidence plummets. It is part of the reason why I work out every single day and try to eat healthfully--I know that's not what a relationship should be based on, but my goal is perfection, and it's an unattainable goal.I don't want to care about this--but I turned down three offers to go to formal with three different guys just because I thought I was going with him. I've just realized more and more that boys can't simply be "nice" to me and rude to others. If he's rude to everyone else, he's a rude guy. I am in desperate need of encouragement, and have had enough of hearing the automated "you're worth so much more than that," or, "you deserve so much better."
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Stay away from frat boys. Let them grow up first. I agree that you should have told him that it upset you. Ask him how he would feel if you had done the same thing to him. My guess is that he doesn't really care, and then you have your answer. He's a jerk.
Find a nice guy, we're out there. Take some time for yourself and tell people no. You need to have some "me" time.
Hang in there. Being attractive will help you find someone, and give you the ability to be choosy. Just do your best not to be a doormat.
A
female
reader, learningtofly +, writes (30 March 2010):
learningtofly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I know it's really soon to respond haha, but I was amazed by your answer-and have a quick question.
How can jerks tell that they can take advantage?? How can I avoid giving off that vibe, that I can be used? Because I feel confident, and I've never been the "desperate" type (Not even sure that has anything to do with it..)
thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): uh, yeah. If a guy's rude to everyone else then he's a jerk. If he's rude to you he's a jerk. Try giving nice guys a chance - perhaps the type of guys you've ignored or turned down in the past.
The problem I'm sensing here is that you try very hard to please other people - your parents, friends, teachers, boyfriends, whatever. That's probably why you're so popular - you sacrifice for everyone else. But that way everyone else can walk all over you. People can see this about you and jerks will immediately want to take advantage of it. You allow people to use you.
"and he posed the question in such a way that I couldn't say no..."
Well, actually, you could have. You could've said, "Look, I turned down three different guys to go to this thing with you, and I don't appreciate you ditching me!"
It mightn't have made him change his mind, but at least he'd know how you feel and that you can't just be trampled on.
Hopefully you've noticed the rudeness pattern in guys well enough by now to be able to avoid it. If you think he's a jerk, he is. Steer clear. Don't be with a guy just because he makes you look good or you think it impresses people.
Do things to please yourself and realize that perfection is impossible - there will ALWAYS be people who don't like you, who don't think you're good enough, who don't find you attractive. But that's life...you can't avoid it, so stop trying. And the people that really love you will always love you...and that's something to base your confidence on.
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