A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It’s that time in my life again. A few things fell apart and I’ve had a few hurdles. Whenever times like this come I feel alone. But I always force myself to think it is all in my mind. Except when 2 weeks pass and you haven’t really had any contact from friends. It gives me anxiety that no one cares. I have time and time again forced myself to be self sufficient. I am good at my job, happy in life. But when something goes wrong I lost interest in hobbies and work, and I wish I had someone to speak to. When I reach out I am often fooled by someone who needs something from me. When I realise this, it hurts me more and I act more withdrawn. I look at people and they have people that care. I don’t, and I’m so fed up of this. Life is passing me by, and I feel so alone. Yes I have friends who can make me do things by pestering me for their own benefit, if I say no, I’m seen as moody which I don’t like to make a big deal off.I think I’m suffering from depression but how it come on, I’m struggling to understand. It’s simple, I text even my ex (very good friend) and she told me all about herself and day but not a single question about me. I paid attention all week to see which one of my friends does ask me how I am. And it was no one. In the past I have managed to say I don’t need anyone. But the reality of that is , life is difficult to live alone inside your own head. I’m so stuck. I don’t feel comfortable telling others or speaking to doctor as they are all on appointment time and couldn’t really care how I actually am, they jus have to fill in 10 mins of appt time. Same with work colleagues, friends, they are all fake. I tried and changed over the years but people are people. I know other ppl have amazing friendships because I can see them. Very very lucky , but I have tried for many years. The ones I have have failed me.
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female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (10 August 2021):
 How many people can count on one hand the cllose friends they have. If you have one, you can count yourself lucky. Friendships are a two way thing and the more you put into it the more you will get back. you cant sit back waiting for things to happen, go out and make something happen. I know people who have a thousand 'friends' on social media but get very lonely because they dont even have a real one. Look closer to home. Suggest an activity to someone you feel is okay, fancy a drink, cinema , joining the gym together, anything really. You may suprise yourself as tgat person you ask maybe thinking exactly the same as you and will appreciate that you care. Takes two you know.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2021): It might help you to know that many people feel totally alone in life and many people rely on emergency numbers to turn to talk in a crises.
You probably are a bit rundown right now and with that comes depression.
This can be helped medically with prescribed antidepressants so if you let out some of your grief to your doctor by telling them that you are not coping well then you may be prescribed them .
Life is nothing like what we perceive it to be and we must constantly make adjustments.
It makes absolute sense that you could be feeling lonely in these pandemic times and many people are struggling to survive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2021): I've met a lot of women, for some reason very few men tend to be this way, who expect people to want to hear their worries, woes and sadnesses - even they though are not proper friends. Sometimes they just want to off load, sometimes it's a moan, sometimes it's for advice, but it is always about them and their lives and they show no interest in chatting until they want something. I avoid them. It's particularly annoying when most of the things they moan or go on about are their own fault - i.e. choosing a rubbish partner and being dumb enough to carry on seeing them. People want to spend time with others who are upbeat, friendly, lively, bubbly and fun, not just soak up their negative emotions. They have their own things to worry about and probably have worse problems than you, they just keep them to themselves! You share such things with close friends not just anyone. Close friends where it is a two way street.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 August 2021):
 I am sorry you feel this way. Sadly the majority of people these days are self centered and think only about themselves. As a species, we are losing the ability to care for others. We are more concerned about our phones and computers than reaching out to people in real life. We are losing the art of conversation. It's very sad to watch.
That said, friendship is a two way street and you sound like you have gradually pushed people away when they have disappointed you. While this may have been justified and the right thing to do in many cases, if you don't form friendships with people to whom you can open up when you need support, you will find yourself alone when you most need someone (as you have found). Trust me when I say I am not criticizing (because I can fully identify with your situation).
You need to meet new people with whom you have something in common and to whom you can open up when you are in a dark place. Work colleagues are often just that, nothing more. I find I need to have something more in common with people than working for the same company to form meaningful friendships. You sound the same. In addition, work is not the place to air difficulties in your personal life.
The other thing is that you need to learn to tell people when you are down and need help. Perhaps also learn to verbalize what help it is you need. Some people just need someone to listen, to ask how they feel. Others need more support. If you don't tell people how you are feeling, they are going to assume you are ok. This especially applies to people who are quite insular (as you appear to be), who appear to have it all "under control". Men in particular find it hard to admit weakness or a need for help.
I know you don't want to talk to your doctor (something with which I can totally empathize) but have you considered talking to a therapist to try to unravel what you can do to help yourself? You have taken the first step in admitting to YOURSELF that you need help. Don't stop there.
Wishing you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2021): You need to understand that most peoples' idea of friendship is very casual where they come to you when bored, at a loose end or just wanting a listening ear, nothing special, most so called friends can be very selfish, and the last thing they want is to hang around a depressed or sad person or hear their woes. Therapists were put on this planet to help people who regularly need a listening ear, someone to moan at, someone to off load onto, someone to go to when everything else is bleak or they are at a loose end. So were psychics. It is how they earn their living. I will be honest with you, I am a full time therapist, and very busy, I got into this line of work because I kept getting people wanting to come to me when they were bored, lonely or wanting to moan about something or get a free listening ear, I was very good at it and very, very popular - who would not be when they are good at something that others charge a lot of money for. But I got sick and tired of people only wanting me when it was convenient to them and I could help them in some way, so I trained and trained and now get paid to do the same thing. You see friendship has to benefit both people equally, I know lots of women who would love to be able to turn up on my doorstep when they are bored or sad, or just want free comfort and advice, but that is not friendship, that is hogging my time and being used, so I separate friendship from work. Real friends come to me when things are going well for them, not just when I can help them feel better. They are good company and care about me too and would be as eager to help me, and able to. Amazing friendships are made up of two complete, caring, capable people, not one who can help the other a lot and the other getting all of the benefits. It has nothing to do with luck. It has to do with you giving as much as you get back. Not just time. I know lots of women who have plenty of time they would love to spend with me, but always just for free advice etc, which is taking not giving.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): I'm 53 now and have spent most of my life feeling similar except I was always the one doing the caring for others. I watched other people, including my own family, behave so selfishly and yet still have other people care for them and look out for them.
I think these things get set in childhood - families have this way of positioning different family members into different roles like the carer, the diva, the rebel, the creative one, the mascot (usually the youngest), the black sheep, the scape-goat, the bully, the weak one, the mad one etc. etc. You tend to get molded into it from birth, depending on what your parents are coping with and what they are like as people.
It also depends if you have siblings and your parents compare you to them. I had a rebel sister, and it's clear my parents couldn't cope and were terrified I would be the same so I was even without realising it conditioned into being the good, self-sacrificing and self-denying carer. All the while I desperately wanted someone to care for me, but all the attention went to my older sister (the rebel) and younger sister (the mascot).
Without realising it, you retreat these patterns in the friends you find and attract to you - not because it's pleasant but because it is familiar, even without you consciously realising. It can be so painful watching selfish people get all the love and affection you've not had, and even expect that from you, when inwardly you feel like you are dying inside.
I have gotten a bit better, but I think there are countless women suffering like this - I have gotten better at spotting the selfish 'takers' in life, including those who take my care and empathy and don't return it. I have not yet gotten any better at getting anyone to really care for me. I've had counselling, I've tried a lot of things, I think it will take even longer for me because I had to figure a lot of this out by myself, You are younger and can educate yourself about the patterns you are making without realising it. Learn to assert yourself, learn to find people who are caring - they are few and far between these days but do still exist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): My husband has a friend who talks in a similar manner to you. He is very draining to be around because everything is so negative and about him all the time.
The best advice I can give you is to try and find a hobby, it's so much easier to make friends when you're having fun and focused on something else.
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