A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together for 18 years. We have 10 year old twins together. We used to share an email account (mine) but now she has 3 or 4 email accounts of her own. I only have one email account and she has the password to my account. She never gave me any of her account names or passwords she uses.About 8 months ago my wifes old "^^k buddy" found her email address and emailed her. My wife answered the emails. My wife then had a phone conversation with this guy while I was away at our cottage with the kids. She stayed in town that weekend. She never told me but somehow I felt and knew they had spoken by phone and not just email. So I asked her and she admitted it. I was upset. She says they only talked for about 20 minutes. He then invites her to a social networking site. She joins and for the last 6 months she has been going to the site chatting with and mostly befriending guys. Often 3 plus hours a day but now tells me its more like an hour a day. She now has emails chats with these guys sometimes as much as 20 to 50 emails a day between between her and the guy she is talking to. Only Tuesday she and some guy emailed 150 times (I counted them) Didn't have a chance to read any. There are 3 to 5 guys she emails. She has given at least one man her phone number recently. He lives in another country. She will not give me passwords to her email accounts. claims she doesn't know what they are and accesses them on her Iphone of Blackberry. Obviously a very very lame excuse but she keeps maintaining that even though I have pointed out ad nausium how she could simply get new passwords and give them to me.To regress for a bit her old "^^^ buddy" really bugs me as he had set my now wife up with a guy while we were dating and my wife proceeds to have sex with this guy a few times. This event happened only a few weeks after we had massively professed our love together while dating. It took me years to get over this but we stayed together somehow. I loved her so very much she was everything to me. My prior wife cheated on me as well and that is what broke up our marriage. We had been together for 10 years. We had 2 kids.A couple of weeks ago, I came across a couple of her emails which suggested she wanted to meet one local guy and one guy in another country if he ever came to town. When I confronted her on this she said she would never meet them, everything is innocent, intellectual not sexual, and finally admitted she was just "flirting". About a month later I had to borrow her phone. I started looking at the email account. Her email accounts are only accessble on her phones and from my perspective she will not even let me touch her phones but this time I was late for a meeting and needed to borrow it. I could not find mine. Like a loser going through her email account in the parking lot after the meeting, I came across a convo she was having with some guy and in the email she mentioned that she had knew 2 people on the site. Her old sex buddy and another guy she had met from the site. It turns out this other guy was the man I referred to above and who she promised me she would never meet with. The guys live in Town. Well unknown to me she invited him for coffee and they met up.I could not hold it in so I immediately called her and asked if she had ever met anyone from the net. Startled, she said she had met with this guy and his wife for coffee. Of course this was lie as she met only with this man and admitted it to me but only after it was beyond obvious that had met with only him. I don’t think she is sleeping with any of these men but I feel my wife should not be behaving like this (meeting a man she met from internet for coffee or emailing other men 50 times in a day. I don’t accept it is all innocent and even if it were, I still see it as being improper for married people to meet people who they met off the net without telling their spouse. It seems a bit like a stinky fish to me.Am I wrong in thinking she should give me her email passwords and the passwords to her social networking site account. She refuses but now says she will sit down with me and let me see them but still no password.Am I deluding myself, is this the beginning of the end of our marriage or am I just being an insecure goof.
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broke up, cheated on me, insecure, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): I'm so sorry for your situation. You seem to be a loving, committed husband. Most women would be thrilled to be married to such a nice guy. She's taking you for granted, walking all over you. This is in NO way appropriate behavior. The fact that she is investing so much time into this website shows that she isn't committed to you 100%, or even half that. You need to take a stand. Sit her down and give her an ultimatum. Either she stops this and devotes her time and energy to the marriage or she leaves. I like the idea that an anonymous write had about turning off the phone and internet, but that would probably create more drama. You guys most DEFINITELY need counseling if you have any chance at making it work. That, and yes, you guys need a little sprucing up. How often do you guys make love? Try something new, take her on a date, give her the attention she is seeking from other men. If all of this fails, she's just a promiscuous women who never knew what she had in front of her. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): You can not stand by and let this ruin your relationship, it is already on a downward slope..Who pays the cell phone bills, I wonder? If you?! I would cancel them immediately I would also cancel the Internet service, and tell her no pass words no service, i would also say to ask her do you wanyt to continue to talk to other men, then let them pay for her to keep in touch. Make your stand .. Do not be fobbed of with lame excuse after excuse, if she intends to head down this route then you will cut her of at he pass..If it comes to the bit .. Leave her... It may bring her to her senses, it may however not and you must think that through too .. I understand you love her.. But you need to protect yourself how will you feel if she does go further than you think if you sit back and do nothing..Now is the time to stamp your foot door, hard... You also need to make time and talk, see how you can put the excitement back into your marriage.. Iif your successful in stopping this, it must end though all accounts close.. She has no right to be talking to strange men on the net no matter what .. It is emotional cheating..Take care keep us posted .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): Hi. It sounds as if your wife is addicted to this online contact and emotionally removed from you so doesnt really care how her behavior is affecting you.
Lying to you about things, hooking up again with a guy she cheated with and 150 emails in just one day to some guy. All these things show she does not feel connected to you anymore. Maybe try talking to her about your marriage and how it can be refreshed. Ask if she would attend couples counselling with you to root out the problems in the marriage that have led to this pass. You have young children together, so try and fix things if it is possible rather than just make threats and throw in the towel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): if she wasn't trying to hide anything, she should happily share everything; passwords, emails, etc with you. I mean you guys are married, there should be no secrets. She obviously still likes the excitement of flirting and meeting new guys, going on dates etc. If she keeps it up she will eventually give in and end up sleeping with someone if she hasn't already. If you are feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing you need to do something about it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 October 2012):
 Your wife is the example why old fashioned men won't ever marry women who's had had casual sex, and develop retroactive jealousy. You have to realize what she is doing is emotionally cheating and coming very close to physically cheating. Never mind the passwords, she shouldn't be emailing guys and flirting even. Don't just focus on what she did, with men. Look at your own marriage and how you are relating to each other. It couldn't be that 8 months ago the old sex buddy reignited her interest and therefore ignored your needs. Somewhere before those 8 months both of you must have felt that something was missing in your marriage and for some reason there was no effective communication on either how to resolve things or end things. She was disrespecting you right from the beginning of your relationship and still is. You were being too much of a softie because a stable relationship was more important than asserting your boundaries. You would rather make it work than to admit both women cheated on you. Maybe you didn't think you deserved to have a loyal partner. When you ask your question you are implying something bad is happening to you when in fact you have to be in control of the situation. Don't let your wife step all over you. She has to stop emailing those people. Not try, not promise, but stop right NOW or you will divorce, not just think about divorce. Enough is enough.
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A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (21 October 2012):
 It could well be. Why are you willing to put up with her actions? She has an active life outside of your marriage which she enjoys. You can do one of two things, confront her and tell her you want her to stop, or ignore it and do your own thing. Your marriage is basically two people livng together without any repect on her side. Decide what you want to do. You might consider counseling as well.
Good luck.
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