A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:[ModNote:OPs own title] My wife and I are in our mid-40's and have been married for many years. For all this time, I have always felt at the center of her world. We would have to move cities every now and then for work, start new careers, make new friends - so it really felt like it was us against the worldNow we are more settled, and have lived in the same community and worked the same jobs for almost 10 years. My wife has many female friends. They have there regularly scheduled nights out, Bunko, movie club, book club, new rester aunt club. Yeah, it's a lot of nights. On top of that, whenever anyone of these 20 or so women have a birthdAy, all the girls must go out for that too. Rarely if ever are husbands or bf invited.So, in the last month she has gone out with her girls, be it a bar, restaurant, house party, probably 5 times. She invariably comes home late, after I am asleep, drunk. We have been out together only once during that period, and a sedate evening it was (saw a movie). It was sedate not by my choice, but because we were both tired.Flip to me, I work a lot. When I am not working, I either want to spend time with my kids or my wife or all of us together. There is so little time, I try to spend as much time with them as I canI am hurt that she does not feel the same. I miss being the center of someone's world. I wonder if that is something I really need to stay married. I guess I might be one of those "all or nothing" types. Instead of being her everything, I am now just one of the many clamoring for her attention - and I don't like it,Is this a mid40's phase that all women go thru? Will she get over it, or is this just how she wants to live her life from here on out? Any suggestions on how I can effect a change? When I have spoken to her about my feelings, she says I am just acting jealous.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I'm a little older than your wife and have a lot of friends her age. Thing is, she's probably just finding her 'me' time and enjoys hanging out with her girlfriends. I'm not going to tackle the drunk thing at the moment.
But my guess is she's finally in a place where she can make friends and keep them and not have to move every so often. She can have fun and not be someone's wife or someone's mother or any other label. She can just be herself.
In my experience, women are pretty good at organizing get-togethers amongst themselves. The men, not so good. I think they expect their wives to manage the social life. I can tell you that that is a huge drag, to have to play social director for the husbands. Aren't they adults? Can't they figure out a get-together on their own? No, they apparently need a great deal of help. It probably doesn't help that the men seem to spend time trying to one-up each other or simply don't have much to say after the first few minutes. No wonder boyfriends and husbands don't get invited. They don't know the rules!
I'm sorry you are feeling neglected, but perhaps this is a sign that you need to get some balance in your own life. If you have only been out once in the last month, then what are you doing about it? Ask her out more often. She's clearly a social person and enjoy other people's company; try to include some other couples.
Look, I had to move a LOT when I was growing up and I had to move to marry my husband. It can set up a lot of resentment and if that's not out in the open and discussed, you may be feeling some paybacks for that. Buried anger is an ugly thing, I can tell you from first-hand personal experience.
Maybe you are more of an introvert and just want to be with her? Maybe she's more of an extravert and likes to have a lot of people around? Find the balance, find the middle point. If you've been married a long time, you should have developed some communication skills with her by now. If not, then it's time to learn!
Don't tell her you resent her spending so much time with her friends. Tell her instead that you want to spend joyful fun time with her!
My husband gets what I call 'project brain' on the weekends. Instead of going out and seeing a movie or a play or going for a hike or a visit to another city, we stay home and pull weeds or build something. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing to have projects, it is, I know. It's just that if she's home all day, she wants to get OUT and go BE with people! Being social and forming friendships is very important to women, like making things and home/car repair or accomplishing home improvement tasks are to men. It's just a different focus. People and nurturing bonds with people is extremely important to most women. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or that you don't come first, it just means she needs more people in her life than you do.
If she's getting near menopause, too, there are things happening inside her brain. She's very likely to become and stay more independent. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you and want to make you happy, it just means she's coming into her own now. She's at the peak of her life, mentally and physically. She's also probably a little more selfish, after having been self-less for many years.
My suggestion to you is to examine your own behavior and how it might have changed in the last 10 years. Are you happy to sit at home and let her do the cooking and tidying on your alone time? Maybe instead start taking her out.
Look at your schedule, pick a weekend, get the kids some sleepovers and whisk her away for a romantic indulgent weekend. Nurture her and nurture yourself.
There is nothing romantic about a man crying "what about meeee??? Don't you love me any more???? Why aren't I your number one top priority anymore?" Very off-putting. It is much more romantic to buy her some flowers on the way home, sweep her into your arms and kiss her like you used to kiss, way back when you were wooing. Really romance her. Make her want to be with you!
When you say you were the center of her world, does that mean she waited on you hand and foot, or does that mean you were the ONLY source of social stimulation she had? Maybe clarify that a little for us.
Is it a bad thing that she has one night a week that is her own? Doesn't that mean you get the other 6 nights?
It sounds as though you don't like the new normal. Maybe you can come up with a new new normal that will make both of you happy with each other and with the full social life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): Have you told her you miss her? Maybe she hasn't noticed its "I miss you" or "miss us all being together" and not your jealousy.
You're her husband and family - I seriously, seriously doubt you're one of the many clambering. Maybe since you've not had this lifestyle of being settled in a community for a few years, this is something she's been missing and is enjoying/ relishing in. Just keep up at the plans for the two of you and during those moments surprise her to keep her on her toes, she sounds like fun and she probably appreciates the variety, so offer her that too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, meant she comes home drunk - not me.
I can't say this has had a dramatic effect on her doing stuff around the house, etc. It just seems there are too many nights when we could all be together, or she and I could be together, but she has other plans...
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 "She invariably comes home late, after I am asleep, drunk."
I had missed this part. Getting drunk is not a solution. Try all the effective ways to talk to her. I think people forget the order in which things happen, not necessarily on purpose. A new attitude from both is needed and soon, or you will start forgetting which thing lead to the other, but you will have become a drunk and she a party person. And let me tell you, none of the two are in the end related, it's just people's weaknesses. I wish you all the best in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (20 August 2010):
You seem to work more than the wife. After work, you want to relax and spend time with your wife and kids, fair enough. Your wife works less than you, has settled a schedule with the girls to occupy her time. This seems correct, too. At least as long she isn't neglecting her other duties, work around the house for example, and as long as she isn't absent too much. Part of the problem resides in this too much, you have different measurement systems as it seems. Talking about household duties, are they nicely shared between you and can you name other problems that can raise from her absenteeism?I'm not asking so we can enumerate them in one long sentence to your wife, until we are out of breath, but we have to assess things a bit and see where it just seems problems have sprouted and where maybe they have more impact, so we can know which things to pay more attention to and put under scrutiny just a bit. You are going to be very calm and logical when you say these things to your wife, her new ways may have become more bothersome lately but watch how you develop your ideas so she can't say you are jealous. Can you not reach an agreement at all? You can start for example by understanding things from her side, she seems to have more spare time, so this is what she chooses to do with it, meet her friends. You wouldn't rather her to be alone, on the contrary you are happy she has made good friends whom she can visit from time to time. The reason this has become too much is because x, y and z. So you would rather you spend more time together. Don't tell her this as she walks out the door, she will resent that you had a conflict and blame it on her ruined mood at the reunion. Pick a time when neither of you has any engagements and you can talk to your heart's content. Solutions can be several here:she goes partying less oftenor returns earliershe suggests her friends they bring their spouses from time to time - is that possible? she satisfies her needs to be out and have fun by being taken out by you on a romantic date more often, if you are up for that after a tiring day, at least from time to time; and many time the tiredness springs from the mind and the psyche, so if you are happy together and feeling positive surely you will pull up the necessary energy - looks like she has plenty - with so many nights out! Then, also a more tranquil date should fine, and you could share great moments.Although to be honest, once a week out with her friends - the average of this month so far, doesn't sound that serious, or does it? I hope you will manage to find a solution together and try to let her feel the entire time she has full reign to do as she chooses, but you would rather that is spending time with her lovely husband.Really making an effort to understand one another, rather than brushing this off by saying you are jealous and you are neglectful, will go a long way, I am positive. Also, make sure you don't have other problems that are making you grow apart, that is VERY important and you didn't specify if there are other factors. Best wishes.
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