A
female
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anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I am having a really hard time trying to figure out what is going on in my sisters head. We have quite a close relationship, but If im honest I think its more of a case that she uses me and I let her. She is 28 and I am 21. Our parents split up when we were 14 and 7. she moved to another country with him and I stayed with my mum and other sister (she is in the middle). When my oldest sister was 21 she moved back with us. It was hard because she treated us like we owed her something and was obviously jealous of both me and my other sister. Then when I was 14 my middle sister was murdered. It is very difficult to try to explain all the emotions that went on at that time so I will just say we all hurt very badly and have since tried to stick together. After that my dad and I stopped speaking to eachother for thousands of reasons, but my oldest sister still stays in conntact with him. I needed to tell you everything that happened in our pasts so that you had the full story, sorry its so long winded. Any way, Im sure you will agree that my sister has pleanty of reasons for her emotional problems. But then so do I. But i cant help but feel that i have learned to appriciate my family and that family is what counts at the end of the day, and my sister has learnt to "survive" . She openly admitts that she will use people, not trust them and manipulate them. does she do this to me too? I have a difficult time overcomming some emotional difficulties in order to achieve things, but when I do she tries to spoil them. When I am being praised she has a go at me for something I havent done, she will just lie to get attention. She lies about me alot. She says what I wear is hideous but then asks me to take her shopping. She says that she thinks my relationship is crap but then praises it? One minnute she is my bestest friend then she is my worst enemy. She tries to spoil things for my mum too. (she lives with mum, I live with my partner) At the moment we are not talking because she turned on me in the middle of a party I put together for my mum. She just lied and brought the party to a stop and they both left. mum left because she had no other way of getting home. What is going on? please help
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reader, Rainee  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 This is NOT just sisterhood. This is something that can be tagged quite simply as emotional/psychological abuse. "Normal" sisters do not do this to each other - sure, there is rivalry of sorts, but nothing to the degree of which you speak. Even more appalling is the fact she is much older than you. While not always the case, usually the older sibling is more mature.
It appears that your sister is a user, using whatever means necessary to get what things or attention she wants - and she openly admits it! Being her sister doesn't protect you from her despicable qualities, it only puts you at more risk of them. Unless you would take such abuse from a friend or boyfriend (at which point maybe you just /like/ being dumped on) I see no reason why you should have to put up with her. Like people say, the family you are born into is an accident of birth - your real family are the people who love you, respect you, and take care of you when you need it, whether they be friends, neighbors, mentors or what have you (and real "family" too, but there's no guarantees with them).
While therapy might help for the both of you, if you broached the idea with her, she might get offended that you would even "accuse" her of what she does to you (typical). Just limit your contact with her. Do not socialize with her, go places she frequents, etc. Don't allow her to make you feel quilty about your decision - it's your life, and it shouldn't be impeded by someone so petty that they must constantly put you down in order to feel better about themselves (which is something she appears to be doing).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): Wow, reading that I wonder if you are my girlfriend!
My girlfriend has an older sister of 4 years and their parents split up when they were young. Both girls have had different emotional reactions to certain events in their childhood but the older sister became quite a bully and dominant, whilst my girlfriend took a lot of emotional (and physical) abuse from her. Her sister is not a nice person at all, and my girlfriend used to take it very personally for many, many years.
Recently however, my girlfriend received counselling and she was finally able to see her family life from other perspectives, more specifically, why her sister seems such a complete bitch!
My girlfriends solution is to not spend too much time with her (they live far apart) and to remember to be emotionally strong, and remember WHY she acts in such a hurtful way. She had learnt, not to take it personally, but to accept her for who she is and to see her faults as her own, and not from my girlfriend.
Her sister, despite being older than my girlfriend is a long way off realising what my girlfriend has already learnt, and we just hope, one day, she will realise why she is such an attention seeking, jealous, horrible, controlling bitch!
Let me know if you want me to go in to any more specific details!
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A
female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (14 June 2006):
 dear reader. this is just sisterhood i'm affraid and the things that you all have gone through are going to play a big part in your lives.i knwo some of the things she says are hurtfull but she is your sister and will love you no matter what.my advice is you both need to see a counsellor there are obviously issues here that need to be aired, but be warned she might not see you point of view and be reluctant to go at first but she might and hopefuuly things will start to get better.may-be your mum could go along too she must be going through hell with the lose of one daughter and her 2 remaining one's fighting it can't be doing her any goodi hope things get resolved for you all keep me poseted all the best xxx
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