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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello,I am in need of your advice in trying to address a problem I have. I live in England, I am a 45 year old man, divorced for 4 years, with 2 children: a boy of 7 and a girl of 13.I live on my own, and see my children every other weekend, even though I live 70 miles away from them. I usually collect my children from their mother’s home in Kent and have them for the weekend at my home in Bedford. This may all change soon as I am planning to purchase a home with my girlfriend in the near future. She lives 80 miles away from me and we have been together for 2 years now, meeting up on the weekends that I do not have my children. We have decided to live together and because I have a very demanding but well paid and a fulfilling job in Bedford and earn 3 times as much as my girlfriend, we have decided for her to give up her job in Derby and relocate to Northampton where we plan to buy a home together. My little boy gets on very well with my girlfriend and although my daughter is respectful towards my girlfriend, she is not that warm to her. I suspect this is because my daughter may feel that she is being disloyal to her mother by being warm to my girlfriend. I have suggested that my girlfriend tries to bond a little with my daughter by doing things together, but my girlfriend is incredibly reluctant to do so. I am additionally concerned as my girlfriend has now suggested (last night) that I see my children less frequently, once every 3 weeks, when we are living together. She has also suggested that instead of me collecting my children and bringing them home on the weekends I have them, I should occasionally stay with my parents, whom live close to where my children live with their mother.My girlfriend, who is 46, has no children of her own and does not want any. My children are incredibly important to me and I am disturbed that my girlfriend is not being supportive in my desire to maintaining close contact with my children. Every time I try to discuss my girlfriend’s reasons for her reluctance to have my children around her, she just says that is the only way things will work for her and that she is not really interested in my children only me!!!I love my girlfriend very much but whilst my children are still relatively young I have no intention of scaling-down the contact that I currently have. Am I being unreasonable in expecting my girlfriend’s full support in maintaining close relationships with my children? I must admit that I am feeling resentment towards my girlfriend for the stance she has taken towards my children, and would welcome your thoughts, before I discuss this matter further with my girlfriend. My gut feeling is telling me to bail out gracefully now but would welcome your thoughts before I do so.Kind Regards
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish to thank all you kind people who have provided a response to my question. I am so grateful and appreciate your help and advice. I thought that it would also be good to provide an update:Since posting my question and receiving some excellent responses and advice, I have had a discussion with my girlfriend, who has now said that she feels that we should be able to resolve matters and that she is not too concerned that things will work out and importantly that she does not want to give-up on us without a fight!I said that I am not convinced, as gravity of the situation will only hit home once we start living together. Further, that my girlfriend does not see my children on a regular basis and, emphasised the fact that she has only seen my children on one weekend, this year so far!I also stated that I do not wish to invest a great deal of money in buying a house only to discover that my fears come to fruition. My girlfriend then went on to say that, she still thinks we can work things through and she at least wants to try to resolve matters.I said that I would have a little think and speak to her this weekend. I have had a little ponder and come up with the following: Given that, my girlfriend wants try to work things through, and I do think she is being quite sincere here. I will suggest that we have a “dry run” so that on the next 4 weekends when I have my children we will all stay with my girlfriend at her house, instead of mine and see how we cope.I suspect that one of two things will happen, either my girlfriend will still have issues with seeing my children on a regular basis and will genuinely discuss and work through any issues. Alternatively, my girlfriend will find my children and me too much to cope with and try to curtail our visits by feigning other commitments on the weekend that I and my children are due to visit – in which case for me, “the writing will be on the wall” and I will just call it a day.If you can think of any other comments to make, I would be very grateful to hear them. If not, I thank you sincerely for your advice so far and just hope that the advice that I have received is of benefit to others who come to this site and may be in a predicament similar to my own.Sincere best wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): What a great Dad you are trying to be. It's sad that your girlfriend doesn't see you all come as a unit. Don't give up the relationship you obviously have with your children to suit her. Maybe she'll get used to sharing you as time goes on. Maybe she won't. But just continue with the plan you had for helping your children cope as best they can with the change in their family, they don't deserve to lose you as the caring Dad you are trying to be. The girlfriend has to fit in, you and the children are already a team. Happy Fathers' Day for Sunday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): Just adding my two cents, as I strongly advocate for the happiness of kids. Children require lots of work, as a Dad, you know, they can be upsetting, frustrating, unpleasant and at times, difficult. It takes a person with a heart, patience and enduring commitment to weather this this out with you. Your children deserve better than to be ignored or casually treated in the intimacy of their Father's home which I will add, will become 'their' home away from home. You want them to feel happy, secure and safe in your house. She has told you that 'she is not really interested in your children only you'. Quite often, people of her age who have never had children around, don't understand the sacrifices and concessions, parents make toward their children. This is a no-brainer. The children come first and you know this and you are not being unreasonable. When it comes to the future emotional well-being of children, I need to be blunt with you. You and she have different values in regards to family and children. She may be good for you, one on one, but you didn't come into this relationship, alone. You are smart to evaluate now, how she fits in to in your whole life, not just the couple’s part. I am sorry to say she is not making the grade. It all comes down to the kids, dear. If she can't accept your kids, then she doesn't accept you. She may be a great woman with you, but it seems she does not have the empathy or compassion to be involved in a relationship with a man with children.
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female
reader, matron +, writes (14 June 2006):
 Hi,I agree with you 100% you are the kind of man that deserves great respect. You and your children come as a package, how can a woman of her age really expect you to choose her over your children. Your daughter senses your g/f's feelings towards her and has probably tried to get on to please you, whereas your g/f openly admits that she wants you not them. Dont risk losing the loving and selfless relationship you have maintained with your children for the sake of your g/f, you may love her but unlike your children her love is not unconditional for you. Go with your heart and wait for someone who will accept you and your children and you will find that they will accept her as they will feel wanted. I take my hat off to you.x
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (14 June 2006):
 GOOD ON YOU YOU ARE CERTANLY A VERY SPECVIAL PERSON YOU MADE THE RIGHT MORAL CHOICE YOUR KIDS COME FIRST .
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): I think you should definitely stay as you are with your children. It would be most prudent to keep a closer relationship with your children, help and guide them through their lives, and try to be there for them.
You have to make your girlfriend understand though she is important to you, your children is a part of your entire being. You need to be there for them. Wouldn't it be great to have your children grow up, have families of their own, respect their father, and take everyone out on a picnic in the future. Wouldn't it be nice to pick up your grandchildren and read them stories?
Keep them close.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 I think by bailing out you are doing the right thing. First of all, if she loves you she has to love and except every part of you and that means your children. If she cared she wouldn't make you choose between her and your children. I mean be honest she is 46 years old and has no children and doesn't plan on having any. This most likely means she doesn't like children. Instead with her leaving you in such a bad state of mind you need to make her make a decision, you and your children or nothing. This relationship can end and you can find another woman but the relationship with your children are forever. I know first hand and my dad didn't choose me. Good Luck.
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female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (14 June 2006):
 dear reader i think you have hit the nail right on the head with this one "bail out" can you honestly see a future for you and her if your lives are so seperate, you know that you kids are the most important things in you life and you hardly see them as it is.
if she don't any room in her heart for you kids as well as you then i'm affraid i don't see a future for you both it just can't work.
i know it's going to hurt you but you have to weigh these things up and unfortunatly someone has to get hurt.
i'm really sorry to hear your in this situation and i hope things go smoothly for you
all the best and keep me posted xxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): The problem is that, unless your girlfriend is willing to budge on the issue, you are going to have to decide who you love more, her or your children. Something tells me that you care more for the happiness of your children more.
You need to have a serious discussion and make it clear that you have no intentions of giving up your children, and that if she really loves you then she couldn't make such unreasonable demands.
As someone whose parents split up, I can tell you that your children will value contact with you very much, especially while they are as young as they are.
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