A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 10 years left me suddenly without ever having told me he was unhappy. In fact, he always told me he was happy and even now says he still "loves me." I have no idea what he means by that.He initially was in love or lust with a woman he met who said he said fit his life and aspirations more than I did. Seems that relationship did not work out and now he is involved with a woman whom I thought was a friend.If I were able to, I would have simply chosen never to see or communicate with him again, but I am disabled and have no income. So I must wait to see how much of a settlement I can receive from the sale of our house (it won't be much).The woman who is with now wants to talk to me. Perhaps she is concerned that I think she has always been "after my husband" since they have gotten together so quickly.I don't have family near by and all but one friend here are mutual friends of the husband. I have a counselor, am doing all the "right things" but sometimes I think this heartbreak will never end. I trusted my husband completely and my heart is broken.Does the heartbreak ever end?What on earth does my husband mean by saying he still loves me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou aunts are just terrific. Thanks so much for your understanding and support.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 July 2011):
 I know that I have healed enough to carry on to be a strong Mother, a great employee, and strong enough to date again.
It took a lot of time, therapy, emotional support from family and friends and deciding that either I would let this experience destroy me or change me for the better.
I reminded myself daily that life was NOT going to be normal. Not the "normal" I was used to , but a NEW NORMAL.
I would find a new routine, a new balance, a new life with my kids and for myself. It has take about four years to feel at peace again. That new normal has arrived and it has its own special kind of happiness that I did not have before. I had to learn to LOVE me again and realize that I was not unlovable because an UNLOVELY person walked out of my life.
There are still things that trigger sorrow, after all I thought I married the love of my life, was going to have more children, travel, etc. I thought I was with my life companion. I had to come to terms that he is MENTALLY UNWELL and blind to his own self destruction. It is hard to see someone you love and laid your life down for destroying all their PERSONAL happiness bit by bit.
I found some compassion for my ex, because I truly believe that one day he is going to realize all that he lost,but in the meanwhile, I already gave him the chances and time to turn it around. I am done.
My kids need a dedicated and functional parent. They need a role model. No one else can do it but ME! So, I stepped up the plate, in all my hurt, and just poured my love on them.
I went back to school and got a new degree. I got my finances in order and lived so frugally on a wing and a prayer, I went to church and friends to cry my heart out if I needed a place to feel emotionally safe.
I made a deal with myself that I would not become a victim, but a VICTOR! I held my head up high, I did not pity myself or explain to others outside my closest circle why the marriage failed. I did not talk badly about my ex in front of the kids. (The figured it out on their own!)
I got to be a role model to my kids how to deal with a difficult person.
Life is far from perfect, but I am no where NEAR where I used to be. I go to sleep in peace and wake up in peace.
Feel free to privately IM if you need a friend.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Omg RedAthena, I just realize my ex husband was a narcissist too. After being together 13 years and raising one child together, he tells me that he does not love me and respect me anymore and walked out. He justified it by bringing out my flaws. (my adht, forgetfulness, messiness ect) BUT he knew all this before we got married and it wasn't a problem when i was putting him through school. Once he was making money, suddenly I was a lazy bum. He made me feel like crap and it took years to get my confidence and esteem back. A part of me always blamed myself. The guilt, the shame.
I layed up at night crying wondering how you could love someone and one day they look at you and treat you like yesterday's trash.
i use to be angry, sad, mad...you name it. But one day, you will look at him with no emotion. he does not deserve your tears. He does not deserve your love, thought nor presence.
Sometimes i still get sad at what could have been, but them i realize that it never was meant.
Now I met a sweet man that adores me. Always puts me first.
You will have that again, and even if this relationship doesn't work out, I feel i am strong enough to be on my own and never depend on any man. I was never that strong before, and this whole experience opened my eyes. If anything, I look at my ex now and thank him. I thank God for not letting me waste my life with a narcissist man for another 20 years. Think positive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou too RedAthena? Are you recovered?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 July 2011):
My deepest condolences as a former wife of a true Narcissist.
Often Narcissitic partners will chuch their partner aside once they no longer meet their needs or if someone ELSE meets their needs more. They often make the new partner deeply unhappy as well.
It is quite common for the Narc. Spouse that left to blame their former spouse/partner for their abandonment.
They believe their excuses are really justifiable reasons, because they deserve to have all they want in a relationship. (IE, they are more deserving/special than most people in their own eyes).
They do not work or discuss out their issues, because a true Narc can not accept any personal accounatbility or wrong doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll your thoughts have been so helpful, thank you. And there is truth in all of it.
Please keep them coming if you have more to say!
I am realizing I did not mention the cruelty with which he threw me off quite suddenly, and my suspicion that he is a narcissist. There was a coldness in how he did it, suddeness, a brutality, and my welfare simply did not matter to him anymore -- once he had met his first girlfriend and saw a way out of our marriage without being alone.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (8 July 2011):
I understand your heartbreak and am sorry you are going through this. To answer your question, the heartbreak does end but it's takes years before you will feel normal again. As for your husband, sounds to me he is going through a mid life crisis and living out his wishes to be with many women to make him feel young again. Basically, he's being selfish and living life the way he thinks he should to make him happy. I think there will always be a little love there, because you did share so many memories and did create a bond.However, that love is very small compared to the love he has for himself. It sounds to me that you were very dependent on him and in the relationship and this took it's toll on him. You mentioned you were disable so I assume you relied heavily on him. I feel if he "truly" love you. The kind of love where you give unselfishly and care deeply for someone, you would not leave that person behind.so to answer your question, my feelings were he did love the best he knew how, but at the end of the day, that love was not strong enough to make him stay. Best of luck. Please stay strong and know that you are not alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Red-Athena. It is kind of you to try to help me.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 July 2011):
I think it is his piss-poor way of saying he cares about your well-being, but it might just be something he is saying to make himself feel less like a villian for your split.
So sorry about the hard time you are going through. You are doing the things it takes to heal, but remember it is going to take TIME to heal as well.
I would recommend you ignore the other woman regarding her involvement. Whatever she has to say may end up hurting more in the state you are in right now.
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