A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years, we are 22 and 21 respectively. I just graduated college during which we had a long distance relationship, and I was sort of expecting our relationship to start moving forward after graduation, but it hasn't gone anywhere. I decided that I wanted to pursue my Ph.D., so I have moved even further away, and we are doing long distance again. The time for a Ph.D. in my field is around 5 years. He refused to contribute to discussions about my choice to go to graduate school, because he didn't want to affect my decisions (which of course was the whole point of asking!). He didn't want to move with me, because he doesn't want to lose all he has accomplished back in our hometown (he's a volunteer firefighter, trying to become career and doesn't want to lose his professional connections). However with the exception of these vague connections, he has nothing going for him there. He works a 9$ an hour job, 60 hours a week, and still lives with his dad. What should we do? I know we are still very young, but 6 years is a significant period for dating, and he wants to wait until after graduate school to get married. I can't imagine waiting until I finish my Ph.D. to even move in together, which will put us at 12 years, 9 of which would be long distance. It seems crazy to do long distance for so long. How can I get him to step up to the plate and go for the next step in our relationship? Am I wrong for expecting that after 6 years?
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female
reader, KeepinItRealzz  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 Congrats ?? on being in a committed relationship for so long. I don't really know much about your situation but maybe you should sometime off being in a relationship with him and maybe find out if that's what you really want as someone whose had a high school sweetheart I know it doesn't always last but if its meant to be it will I always heard if you love something set it free and it will come back to you.
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (11 October 2014):
 What you need to bear in mind is that although six years IS a long time, the two of you are still quite young and barely into adulthood. Several of the years you have been together were spent basically being teens dating rather than a serious adult relationship and all that that entails.
You are both at the age now where you are maturing fast, developing into full blown adults and will shortly be leaving behind your studies and plans for the future and starting living the reality of that future. With that comes a change in outlook, ambitions, expectations and needs (both financially/professionally and romantically/socially). The six years that have gone before mean a lot to you of course, but you need to accept that the majority of the years you spent together were as two very different people with different needs.
With that in mind its worth accepting that although you have both spent the whole of your adult life thus far together and have been together a long time, the relationship as it was THEN is not the same as how it will be in the near future. Likewise the teenager you were, and the teen your partner was when you first got together at 15/16 years old are not the same people as the young adults you have both become and will continue to evolve into over the next few years.
To be blunt maybe it is time to re-evaluate? To reconsider your goals and future plans as a couple. I don't think he is in any way "wrong" or inconsiderate not to move away from the life he knows and the family he is close to to suit your PH.D. If you chose to move away then that's your choice but you cant expect him to up sticks and move somewhere to suit you and he probably didn't want to get involved in discussion as to where you studied for fear of holding you back or influencing a choice you may not like.
In short I think you need to accept that he doesn't want to move to where you are or commit to you when there is so much uncertainty and changes in your lives right now. Cindy made a very valid point that at least he has a job right now and jobs for graduates are very hard to find. You do sound like you are dismissing his goals and connections as being insignificant but 9$ an hour isn't too bad for 60 hours per week at his age. There are a lot of people with PH.D's who cant get that despite obvious talents.
This is about the two of you and your joint futures, he cant just give up what he has already achieved to live with you in a place that suits your studies. Even if his goals seem very different to yours. If you know you are going to be in a LDR for another five years then realistically what are you going to get out of the relationship? Your in a check mate situation where he doesn't want to move and you don't want to give up your PH.D.
Sadly its at this point in ones life and this particular type of situation where so many young couples go their separate ways after several years together. Planning a future as a couple when your young is exciting, but actually dealing with the logistics and unpredictability of adult life can be quite different. Not to mention the fact that when you graduate you may have to move away again to gain a job that you want.
I don't like advising people to either stay together or not as its not a nice thing to do, only you can make that decision, but please don't base your future on a teenage/adolescent/early adulthood relationship that, although long and meaningful, probably bares little resemblance to your needs as two adults with adult lives to live.
Best wishes
Mark
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 October 2014):
 Yes and not. I mean, I understand that after 6 years you may have gotten impatient, nevertheless you are still only 21. In 5 years ( average time for finishing your Ph.D. ) you'll still only be 26 ! - which surely does not make you an old spinster or an over-the-hill bride.
I also understand his reasons for not wanting to move. You are quick to dismiss them with " he's got nothing where he is ". He's got nothing ? he's got 540 USD / week of steady income- rent free , I guess . It depends from where you live. If it's Manhattan , it would be bare survival- but in many other areas of your country, it's actually living large ! I don't want to scare you, but in the current economy, I actually know people - prestigious degrees and all - who have to get what they could and make way less than that.
He's also got his perspective of career , his dreams, - yours are maybe more ambitious, more glamorous- but if he wants to become a firefighter , and that's his long cherished dream- what's wrong with that ? Not everybody wants to become a CEO . Or HAS to want that.
I think he was wise in not tryng to influence you - and I think he implied his stand anyway- he is not going anywhere , he is staying put and thinking about reaching HIS goals.
Now, you think about yours. It's a tough decision, I realize it. Not everybody is cut out for LDRs, it's a huge sacrifice for a long time, and I guess how huge and how feasible it would depend from a lot of variables which you only know ( how actually far you would be, how often you could meet up, how well you fare on your own, your personalities, your trusts issues, even your sex dives ). You've got to think long and hard.
As for me, I'd tell you with no hesitation : your future first, your education first, your realization first.Men can come and go in and out of your life- yes, even the best , the most in love of them. Life is unpredictable, things change, feelings and needs vary.
What does not vary or change is if you have gotten a solid educational base, with valuable marketable skills, and most of all, if you have accomplished what you had set out to do. That's something that nobody can ever take away from you.
But, of course, easy for me to say - I am not the one who should be in a long term LDR. I understand your quandary. Just saying, don't take for granted that HE should change his game plan, to me it sounds as valid as yours, albeit different.
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