A
female
age
30-35,
*ec2016
writes:Alright so before you tell me to just "dump his ass", actually think about this.Basically, the guy I'm with right now is the best guy ever. I love him to death. And he loves me. He does so much for me, as do his parents. Through his life, he has always liked attention. Compliments immensely boost his ego, and he will go out of his way to look for them. Before me, he was never really faithful to one girl. He would never commit to a girl because he knew he would be talking to and doing things with others at the same time, and he didn't want to be tied down. At this point, he says that I have him tied down. That I am the only girl that he wants and that I'm the only girl he has ever been able to see a future with. He works from the early mornings to late evening. And as soon as he gets home, I make him dinner and we usually stay up for a bit and then go to bed. On weekends, we are always together. I don't think I'm suffocating him, because no matter how many times I have offered to leave for a bit so he can have "him" time, he always says he wants me to stay. WELL- I have caught him about three times now texting other girls. He doesn't say anything explicit, but he likes to use his charm on them to receive compliments about how "cute" or "attractive" he is. And in turn, I'm pretty sure he will probably tell them that he thinks they're cute back (not positive though, he says he doesn't). He tries to justify these actions by saying that this is out of habit from his past and that it means nothing, and that he only wants me. Basically that the compliments boost his own self esteem, regardless of the compliments I constantly provide to him. I guess he just wants to hear it from multiple sources for his own reassurance. I know that he is not hanging out with these girls seeing as he is always with me, or at work, or at his apartment. When we are not together, we are in constant communication. I just know that he is definitely not hanging out with them. Another thing- aside from one girl that he has actually met in person from an internship out of state (so obviously he does not see her anymore, yet still texts her (and she knows about me)), he uses the tinder app that allows him to talk to these girls that are pretty far distances away (though he has been lying to me about having tinder. I asked him about it and he denied having one, until he accidentally sent me a text last night that was meant for a girl he met on tinder, that is the only reason I found out). Based off all of this, there would be no way he is hanging out with them. Am I allowing social media (tinder/texting) to affect this too much? Am I overreacting over a little flirting that my boyfriend likes to do? Or is he legitimately in the wrong? The only reason I question it is because, after all is said and done, he is always with me, and always comes home to me only. Not to any of them. And regardless if he is flirting with them or not, it is not like he is acting on anything (such as going to see them/hanging out/having sexually driven conversations). I feel like he really does try to make efforts to stop these behaviors, but occasionally gets sucked back in based off of old habits. What do you think I should do? Again, this is the third time, like I said earlier. I don't know how many chances I should give him. The reason it has been three so far is because I feel like this is a very minuscule dilemma because it's "just flirting" as people would say, but now they are starting to add up and become a big problem for me.
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female
reader, sec2016 +, writes (22 March 2014):
sec2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, thanks for all of the advice, very helpful!!!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2014):
 Does it mean he needs counseling?
I'm not sure, the fact that he can EXPRESS how he feels (sometimes) I think is a good thing, and telling you :"I feel needy" I would say is a good thing in a relationship. Not many guys would do that.
I find that odd, if he can express feeling needy to you, why can he not express that to YOU, instead of using his "not or not" app?
And flirting can be JUST fine if you are still respectful of your partner - HE IS NOT. That is the thing with flirting. Any one who has a partner and likes to flirt needs to be aware of how the partner see it and how others see it. Do you think all the girls who "find him hot" know why he does it? That he just want attention? Or do you think some are hoping to met him, get to know him and so forth.
He is playing games.
It really up to you if you will allow it or not. But my advice to you is t NOT run around and look for excuses for his behavior, because there are none that makes it OK.
If he was single the "hot or not" app would be no big deal, but he isn't. It creates insecurity in you and you can not help stop stop trusting 100%. Virgin or not, at some point he will want to go further.
If you can't be honest in a relationship without you feel like it is derailing, then maybe this isn't the right relationship to begin with. (that goes for him too) He is lying because he KNOWS your stand on the whole flirting. So lying is easier.
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A
female
reader, sec2016 +, writes (22 March 2014):
sec2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is also just an overall message to everyone who reads: an example of me thinking that this is just a major personality flaw that he constantly wants attention- he is currently driving back from a skiing trip with his parents. As he has been driving back, he's been saying, "I'm excited to see you!" and I completely didn't acknowledge him saying those words to me, and I would say something unrelated. He has done that two or three times today. Just now, completely unrelated to our current topic of discussion, he said, "Say that you want to see me! I'm feeling needy."Based off of things like this, I feel like it's not like he is going out and flirting with other girls for the sole purpose of just "doing what he wants" and "deceiving me"... Maybe he needs counseling? Or does that sound ridiculous?
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A
female
reader, sec2016 +, writes (22 March 2014):
sec2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie: The reason that I also see the validity in him never having acted sexually with other women while in relationships is because his "bros", who I'm very good friends with, have told me that if he lied to me about it, they would be the ones who knew the truth. And they say that it is true, that he has never bragged to having multiple girls as sexual partners, that he has actually admitted otherwise. One sexual partner, but the fact that he flirts with this girl or that girl. I know they wouldn't lie to me about it because they also have told me that they think it's bullshit that he likes to flirt when he already has a girl. Kind of talking smack on him in that sense. They don't think it's right either.
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A
female
reader, sec2016 +, writes (22 March 2014):
sec2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie: Yes, we do other sexual things. Basically everything but sex. He told me a long time ago, before him and I were even together or really "talking" at all that he has had a history where even if he was in a relationship with a girl, he had the problem of flirting because of the reasons listed in the original post, though he would never stoop to the level of doing sexual acts with multiple girls at once, just the one. This is why I'm wondering if this is just a personality flaw with the whole liking to flirt thing that can possibly be fixed. Because as far as I know and as far as people who know him know, he never acts on things with other girls physically when he is in a relationship with another girl. That is the reason I have seen these problems as little minuscule dilemmas that are just adding up and upsetting me. And again, I completely agree that this is emotional abuse, reading these comments makes me realize that. I'm just trying to explain things better I guess to see if the full story (things that I didn't explain fully in the original post or forgot to mention) changes any of your opinions.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2014):
The virgin thing gives it a whole other angle. That fact that me doesn't seem to WANT to have sex (after all he can't give a reason as to WHY) - but he wants to still feel like he is "the man" - which might be why he started on the "hot or not" thing.
For a 23 year old guy to not want to have sex, but wants to be found desirable and attractive by WOMEN - I find a little bit odd.
It doesn't add up.
Is he "scared" of physical intimacy? I mean even if you don't have sex, do you two do OTHER sexual things? are you touchy feely with each other?
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 "If someone is trying to lose weight and cheats on their diet three times, do you say that they are never going to be able to lose weight?"
NOT the same thing at all. Absolutely not. If you cheat on your diet, you only have yourself to answer to. Nobody else's life is involved. Lying to and cheating on another person is very, very different.
Everyone here will tell you the same thing. He is not going to change. But you're going to read all these responses and still decide that he's worth it, because he tells you what you need to hear and you're not strong enough to walk away from him and never look back.
I know how you feel. I spent almost three years with a massive jerk who played me time and again. I knew he was lying and cheating and treating me like dirt, but I lived for the moments when he would tell me I was special, I was pretty, we would do this thing and that thing in the future. I was addicted, I couldn't walk away. Looking back, it was frightening and sad because I adored him, I wanted to spend my life with him, I was proud of him. To me it was a real relationship, I did all the little things that you're "supposed" to do in relationships, and he never did anything for me. I used to pour my heart out in anonymous DC posts, changing the details ever so slightly so that it wouldn't seem like I was staying with someone I knew full well was abusive, because I wanted people to say that it was all fine, that his behaviour was normal and acceptable and ours constituted a relationship.
I consider myself lucky, in a way. Despite my feelings for him, he hurt me for so long, so consistently, with such a strange mix of malice and indifference, that I finally just got bored of the whole thing. I was the one who upped and left, moved to another city and later another country, cut him out of my life. I remember the last time I saw him, I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing because it was so strange to me that I had once loved him. He was nothing to me. I haven't looked back and I would never want anything from him ever again. The spell is broken. I hope for your sake that you will also get to that point.
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A
female
reader, sec2016 +, writes (21 March 2014):
sec2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie: We met two years ago in college band. As far as how girls can see his pictures, it's because he made an account on a popular smartphone app that's basically like a "hot or not". You swipe left for "yes" and right for "no". When to people swipe left for each other, it notifies the other person.I completely agree with the emotional cheating. He definitely is emotionally cheating on me. As for it being a matter of time before he is physically cheating on me or if I'm being naive to the fact that he is "probably currently physically cheating", he is actually a 23 year old virgin. Which, when people find out they are kind of taken aback, because he is the one guy you would expect to not be a virgin solely based off of his looks. I'm not a virgin, and for some reason so far he has not had sex with me, or anyone else. (Abstinence maybe? He says it isn't "abstinence" specifically, but can't really pinpoint the reason himself.) Not sure if that will help you guys bring up other points?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2014):
OP,
I forgot to ask you ONE question.
HOW did you met your BF?
Did you two start out texting/flitting? You know like he does with others girls now?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2014):
 I will NOT tell you to dump him. You are not ready to stop the emotional abuse you are receiving. And yes lying to you and emotionally cheating on you is emotional abuse. He is emotionally cheating on you. Will it take him physically cheating on you to make you see reason to leave?
He sounds A LOT like my EX husband. The one who had no self-esteem, the one who lied to me and to his current wife (he said he was separated from me and he was not), the one who once given the chance (which he engineered) left me and married her.
I did not mind much to be honest as being with a guy who constantly needs to have his EGO stroked by other women indicating I am NOT enough for him was horrid. Finding a man who did not need anyone but ME to love him, who felt secure enough with himself to focus ONLY on me was a delightful change.
There is an old saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” well he’s lied and cheated (anything you can’t won’t or don’t tell your partner is cheating) THREE times. NOW he knows he can get away with it and he will probably start pushing the envelope over time and get away with ‘meeting for drinks” etc.
You comfort yourself with the idea that he’s always with you… and checking on you… well that’s to insure he has a safe place to land… ONCE he finds a girl that he truly loves and wants no one else will matter and he will set it up so you leave… just like my ex did.
I wish you peace and sanity as you navigate this path.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 March 2014):
 You wrote you're not ready to give up on him because you have yet to receive "some advice on ways I can go about trying to further help this issue."
As you wrote, the issues are these:
Through his life, he has always liked attention. Compliments immensely boost his ego, and he will go out of his way to look for them. [He's either incredibly insecure or an egomaniac.]
Before me, he was never really faithful to one girl. [He's still not faithful to you, if he's meeting and texting other girls. Those are not the actions of a committed partner.]
He would never commit to a girl because he knew he would be talking to and doing things with others at the same time, and he didn't want to be tied down. [He's still talking to other girls, so he's not all that tied down.]
At this point, he says that I have him tied down. [He says that but then his actions show he's not comfy with being monogamous.]
That I am the only girl that he wants and that I'm the only girl he has ever been able to see a future with. [Words, words, blah blah blah, sweet talk to keep you quiet. His actions are the opposite.]
So apparently, what you want is a way to get him to stop his 'habit.' You do realize that he has to WANT to change? And that he's managed to convince you that it isn't anything much to worry about. And that he continues this 'habit' after being caught 3 times. So now he knows that you will forgive him if he acts contrite and tells you a lot of BS about it being a 'habit' and that he's changing and that you are the one changing him.
So how do you change a man who has a firmly entrenched 'habit' and a history of cheating when he shows no signs of slowing down on the meeting, texting and chatting with other girls? Hm. You are looking for that magic wand, that magic potion, that magical thing that will suddenly change him from being a cheater into a faithful man. I'm sorry to report there is no such thing.
I guess the real question is how much longer you'll be able to tolerate this behavior before you finally realize that you can't change him. You can only change your circumstances and if you are miserable with a cheating type of guy, you may have to change guys.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2014):
You didn't really come on DC for advice, you came on DC to hear that what he is doing is fine and normal and that you really have nothing to worry about. Because those are the lies you feed yourself. And those are the lies he feeds you.
What you are doing is saying, because he isn't PHYSICALLY cheating it's all good. Well, if that was truly how you felt, you wouldn't be writing on DC and you wouldn't question your situation.
What he is doing is ALL about him. YOU have no part in that side of his life. The attention and affection you give him are just part of what he feels he deserves. You could turn up the volume on affection, and stroking his ego til you are blue in the face and he would STILL do the flirting over text. He sees it as harmless fun or rather he doesn't CARE that it could hurt your feelings and self-esteem, because he does WHAT he wants. And he wants constant affirmation that he is hot. And that even if he has a GF he wants the next girl to line up, just in case. It's just vain.
Where does he get those numbers of the girls he texts? I wonder. If these are random girls how do they know what he looks like? (so they can call him cute?) he must be sharing photos with them, right.
And as much as you fill yourself with the notion that YOUR love will change him or that YOU can "fix" him - that isn't reality. If he was addicted to crack, no amount of love would make him stop and no amount of having a GOOD woman in his life would make him stop. The only way he would STOP is because he REALIZE what he is doing isn't right in a relationship.
What you are doing is setting yourself up to accept behavior from men, that you don't deep down approve of, ALL in the name of "love".
You WANT to be that SUPER GF that is so perfect he will never leave and never cheat. Well, that isn't going to happen when you make excuses when he DOES cheat. And yea, texing other girls having them GUSH all over him on how cute and sexy he is is called EMOTIONALLY cheating.
Who knows what he says back in order to get the "worship" he feels he HAS to have. You really think he sits and go uh huh, hi and they go :"OMG you are so hot!" I'll call you back tomorrow and elaborate on your hotness, you don't have to talk back to me, I'm just so happy to worship you"....
These girl text him because THEY get something out of it too.
JUST like YOU get something out of dating this guy even if he acts like a douche-canoe when it comes to texting other girls.
Making this a "minuscule dilemma" is not going to make you feel any better. That is PULLING an ostrich. Sticking your head in the sand and pretend it's OK.
One thing I do suggest if you talk to him about it is to ASK him how he would feel if YOU did the SAME thing he is doing. If you texted boys and got your flirt on. Because let's face it us women LOVE to be told we are beautiful, cute, sexy, sweet, smart, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious scrumptious too.
And if what he is texting is SO innocent how come he hasn't SHOWN you a texting back and forth conversation? News flahs honey, it isn't innocent.
You have two choices, suck it up or tell him it's enough and walk away.
IT really IS that simple.
Good luck.
People will treat you in the way you ALLOW them to treat you.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2014):
 There is a difference between someone slipping up and cheating on their diet versus someone "slipping up" and cheating on their partner. The first is only harmful to that particular individual, and the consequences are minor. The latter is harmful to YOU and the consequences are drastic, as I feel quite certain that his actions upset you. Imagine years of this and what it will do to your self-esteem.
I once dated for two years an individual just like your boyfriend. the thirst for outside attention was unquenchable. I let it slide on so many occasions. Thing is, she was cheating literally the ENTIRE time behind my back. And we lived together the majority of our time together. So like you, I thought I could account for most of her time and whereabouts. don't underestimate this type of persons ability to be sneaky. The damage that relationship did to me was massive. It took away all of my self-confidence and self-esteem and it ripped away all of my trust in others for a very long time. It took years to regain what I had lost.
I know you view it as trying to give him leeway and flexibility, but what you're really doing is enabling him to cheat and behave badly. You say he's changed for you. But if he really had, he would NOT be talking to other women and he would NOT be on a dating app. Dating apps are for single men. It's emotional infidelity. And its wrong. And I know you know that. And I know it's hurtful to you.
It truthfully wouldn't surprise me if he was already physically cheating, as well, as he sounds just like my ex. I just hate to see you following willingly into my footsteps. He's not worth it. Any guy when claims to love you yet turns around and flirts and solicits other girls is not worth your time. I hope you can grow to love and respect yourself enough to recognize that and expect fidelity and honesty from the person who's lucky enough to be with you. That's not this guy.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 March 2014):
 Have you ever had any experience with addiction, whether to drugs, or to food, or to sex, or to video games, gambling or to anything??
Addictions ruin lives when they're excused and minimized, and that's what you're doing. If he's a sex addict and *needs* other women's attentions, he will eventually follow a very predictable course if he hasn't already gone that far.
Addictions carry one common strain: The addict always needs more and more and more. The level of substance, food, porn, or sex becomes not enough, and soon there needs to be a higher dose, a more extreme stimulation. In porn addiction, this means that simple vanilla soft core can morph into hardcore, fetish, and more extreme versions because he's desensitized to the conventional. In food addiction, of course it's more and more, and higher bulk until he finds himself on "I ate 600,000 calories a day!", and in drug addiction, the news is riddled with addicts who finally crossed into a fatal dose. For a compulsive gambler or shopper, the small purchases or bet is no longer enough until bankruptcy, embezzlement, or fraud happen.
If he can't stop lying, texting, flirting, soliciting, and meeting up, he's addicted. He'll need more. Texting will no longer do it. Illicit meeting will ensue until it turns into full-on sex addiction.
You are *not* his therapist, and you are *not* in high school anymore. You need to stop making excuses and being in denial by saying "it's not that bad" or "he's great otherwise". NO. You stay with him, you will destroy your life. He will spit in your prettiness while you give him your best years, yet wondering where he is or who he's having sex with.
You see your future with him, and it is bleak. You're insane if you stay with him, and you're *really* insane if you think you can love him enough to get him to change.
There are 5 billion other guys, and if you make excuses to stay with this one, your self-esteem is as bad as his is.
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female
reader, sec2016 +, writes (21 March 2014):
sec2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCMMP: What I meant by constant contact is that while he is at work, he is e-mailing me the whole time. If I go a few hours without responding, he'll double e-mail. So I wouldn't say I'm smothering him.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 March 2014):
Flirting is the initial stage of physical cheating. You're dating a guy who you admit has never been faithful before.
He may be telling you everything you want to hear, but the reality is that he's beginning to be unfaithful to you and you seem to be trying to convince yourself otherwise.
He works all day long? That's a red flag right there. You're not in "constant" contact with him either. If that's remotely true then you probably are smothering him.
I'm not saying he's cheating, just that you are ignoring the warning signs. I've been there, I understand, sometimes you have to learn that lesson the hard way.
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female
reader, sec2016 +, writes (21 March 2014):
sec2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks llifton for your advice. I can see valid points in what you said. That said, I don't try to view it as making an excuse or justifying his behaviors. If someone is trying to lose weight and cheats on their diet three times, do you say that they are never going to be able to lose weight? That's how I am viewing it currently. Maybe that's a skewed way of viewing it, but I'm trying not to completely condemn someone that has been a huge part of my life JUST yet before I receive some advice on ways I can go about trying to further help this issue.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (21 March 2014):
 The problem is that it could escalate at some point in the future. Time will tell. It is clear you are not at this point simply going to leave him over this. I would say that in the monogamy paradigm, his behavior is unacceptable. If you are flexible with him on this and choose to ignore it, it may either resolve itself or become an obsession for him and at some point escalate to in-person meetings and sex outside the relationship. His need for female attention is the driver for it and as you two stay together longer and experience the natural changes that occur after being in a monogamous relationship for a few years (there is a decrease in the lustful spark that inspires couples to be sexual together after a certain amount of time together in many cases, though not necessarily all cases), he may stray. Would he be okay with you texting with men to get some compliments from the men? I have to say that either he is not being at all discrete, which is disrespectful OR you are looking through his phone somehow because you do not trust him. I can understand why you would but I think it spells trouble for the future of your relationship. I did that with someone a few years ago and I should not have been with him in the first place. I would never look through a man's phone now and if I felt I really, really needed to in order to know the truth. I would probably end the relationship based on what my instincts were telling me if there were issues that clearly could not be resolved through verbal communication. He would be a better man if he did not do these things in a way that affected you. Part of being in a relationship is taking care not to hurt your partner in any way. If you have an office flirtation or a friendship that would hurt your partner and it cannot be kept discrete, it should be ended for the sake of making sure your partner is secure in the relationship. Otherwise why be in a relationship? We all deserve to feel cherished and loved and special in someone else's eyes. Good luck to you!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2014):
Okay so I really thought about it and DUMP HIS ASS.
You're actually coming up with excises and justifications for your boyfriends infidelity. And you'd be a fool to believe he's being faithful. Even if he's not physically cheating *yet*, it's just a matter of time and not only that; he's already emotionally cheating.
Once again DUMP HIS ASS.
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