A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My problem is simple: I hate that my girlfriend is friends with her ex boyfriend. They were together for 5 years and I understand how that's important and that they learned a lot from each other, and I've reached a point where I'm actually okay with them being friends. What bugs me is she will always include him in family things that I feel like it's not his place anymore. Her family likes him but they rarely invite him to anything. He wanted to come to her graduation, so she said ok and he came. I went of course early with her because the students come first to prepare and the family comes later for the ceremony. I come with her early because I'm her significant other and I see that he's there as well. I'm confused but I don't say anything because it's her day. Later she tells me he just kind of tagged along and she didn't tell him to come nor expect him to but he was awake and wanted to come. Later on we went to dinner with me, her, him, my sister and friend. My girlfriend sits next to him. Might be something small but I was annoyed. Again, I let it go because it was her day. Fast forward to Halloween, I saw on her phone (by accident, I don't read through her texts or anything at all like that) that she had texted her family with a picture of her Halloween costume. He was included. It bothered me, yet I didn't say anything because I'm trying for us to not fight so much. She says I nitpick at the smallest things and that we always fight because of that. Today, thanksgiving, she is making her first turkey, so she sends a picture to her family. Again, he's included. I'm annoyed yet again. I haven't said anything. I don't want to ruin our day or start another argument. When I try to talk to her to get something taken care of she gets defensive and a fight starts. I don't know what to do. I don't mind that they're friends but why does she have to update him on all these events in her life alongside her family members? She posts things on facebook, why can't he just find out like the rest of her friends since he's her 'friend'? She doesn't talk to him a lot but I feel like he's also part of this relationship and I'm getting really sick of it. Please help!
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female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (25 November 2011):
 I would be as uncomfortable as you are, maybe even more. You need to talk to your girlfriend again. Tell her you feel that he is overstepping his boundaries with her and it would be nice if he could cut back. Exes can be friends, but it shouldn't be like this. And if he doesn't know about you, then tell her that you want to stop being her secret and would like for him to know. You deserve to be comfortable in your relationship, and if you're not, then something's wrong. If she gets defensive and this turns into an argument, then you should really ask yourself if it's worth feeling like second best. Her friends shouldn't always come first.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that I don't think he knows we are dating because I'm a girl and she's never dated a girl before. She didn't want to tell him because he might not take it too well, so when we've hung out with him I felt like we were hiding our relationship. We now live in a different state but he wants to visit, and I told her if he comes he better know that we're together because I'm not hiding anymore. Also on a side note, she has him under a nickname on her phone and instant messenger that she had given him while they were dating and she still uses it. I hate it but again I have said nothing. It's not a cute name or anything, but it's still a nickname with sentimental value. It may seem like I'm at fault because I don't say anything, but like I mentioned before I used to bring up a lot of things that bothered me, and they were mostly about her ex. I still believe that the things I brought up are fair and I don't mean to start a fight but it always turns into one because she refuses to admit that she's wrong. It's always been about people not knowing we're together, including him.
Her family might see him as family also, but they don't know about me and her so I feel like he's more part of the family than me. These little things she does annoy me because I already feel like I'm not important enough, so they don't help. Sorry for the novel.. And I appreciate any advice! I care about her and I really want this to work!
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