A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend that for the past several yers has been involved with a man that has done all kinds of horrible things to her(MIA for months at a time,having other women in his house playing it off that thehy are just friends etc...).Each and every time he pulls another stunt she gets all upset and vows to never let him back in her life.To fast forward to the most recent stunt to which I believe to be the worst one he has pulled, my friend gave him the money to hook her son's computer up and hasn't been seen or heard from in 2 months.She asked what she should do and I told her that she needed to be done with him that she should realize that he is nothing but a no good using bum that stole from you money that was intended to be used for your child and why in the world would she or anybody for that matter want that kind of person in their life.She then asked me if I thought that there would be a day that he would get back in touch with her. I shook my head and asked why would you want him to but told her that more likely than not he would try to see if the door was still open inspite of the foul things he knows he has alredy done. I t will be her decision at that point to decide which way to go.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (12 July 2009):
 The sad thing is, sometimes we have to sit back and watch our friends wreck their lives because they won't listen to reason. The fact that she asked you if he would get back in touch is a sign that she still has love for him, and will probably let him back in her life.
The only thing you can do is try to build up her self esteem. Remind her what an amazing person she is, smart, funny, whatever her good qualities are. Buy her a self-help book or two on self-esteem, read them with her and talk about them. The best defense against a relationship like that is a strong self-image. Once she starts believing in herself, she will be ready for a change.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 There are a lot of reasons. The simple fact is that users and the used tend to need each other. You see a parasite, someone who sucks her dry and is nothing but bad news. You are right.
But what is really going is a symbiotic relationship. Not a beneficial one were both trive but they do need each other.
She most likely is an insecure personality who needs others to boost her self-esteem. She needs others to confirm her selfworth. But he doesn't exactly give her that you say? Your right, but he gives ENOUGH, to keep her hungry.
For some reason women like her seem to fall for the kind of guy who needs a woman that he can feed the occasional scrap of kindness while doling out misery by the truckload.
Why do women like her seek these guys out? A nasty thought is that they want a normal man. With a normal man, anything that goes wrong is equally their fault after all. With an abuser is shit happens, she is the poor victim, comforted by all.
I am just speculating here, trying to understand their logic but I have gotten the impression that a woman who has been beaten has a LOT of power in an abusive relationship. Abusers ALWAYS say they are sorry, and right then, the woman, with split lip, is in control. Sure it lasts only until the next beating but could this be the rat who happily starves in exchange for hitting the button that stimulates his pleasure center rather then the button that dispenses boring food?
A normal woman is only wooed once. A beaten woman is wooed after every beating.
She is asking when he gets back in touch with her. Why would he do that? To seduce her into getting back with him? So why is she asking? Because she wants to be seduced again?
Compare her relationship with your own (if your own are "normal"). Who of you gets more seduction? And who has to work at her relationship more?
I think these bad relationships are a trap for the victim. They are miserable surving on the small amount of affection after being made miserable but because they been so starved of it it seems like a feast and all in all the effort of getting out of the trap seems to them like impossible to bring up if they even are aware they need to get out.
After all, say she gives up on him. Then she suddenly would go from awoman in a troubled relationship to a single middle aged mother. Bad affection might in her eyes still be better then no affection.
All of the above is just speculation by someone who has seen a very bad example of this in his past and wants to make sense of it but doesn't have any training whatsoever in this area. I am an extremely practical man (if doing X hurts, don't do X) trying to make sense of something that is probably all emotional.
But that is my thoughts on why she is staying with him. Because somehow she got trapped into believing that this relationship works for her in someway.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): I think you need to talk to her. Sit her down, and just explain without sounding accusing or patronising that you want what's best for her, and that she needs to move on. Let her know that she's got everyone around her and doesn't need someone like that.
Sometimes when you're in love with someone so hopelessly, you are blinded by everything and everyone else. It's your job as her friend to convince her there's other things out there. Good luck and I hope she never has to deal with him again. xx
...............................
|
