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female
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anonymous
writes: My ex and I made-out and fooled around. Help! So here's the deal... my ex-bf showed up at my place on Thursday night (unexpected) and we were talking and then he initiated a make-out session that included a lot of fooling around. My clothes were pretty much off. Then on friday, I made him dinner, and then he spent the night (I only gave him a blow job). But before that, I asked him what this all meant... he told me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship (as that's too much work)... he went on to say that he loves hanging out with me, going to the movies with me, having dinner with me, etc. He wants to "keep it simple," which means friends with benefits. I told him that I don't want to be used- to be that woman he's sleeping around with until he finds another women to be in a relationship with. He also told me that he doesn't like the fact that I might be seeing other guys. Anyway, after out "love" session he was very helpful- putting the food away, then going to get my clothes out of the dryer... however, he still stayed on his side of my bed (like he used to) and then acted somewhat cold with me the next morning. I drove him to his place. Anyway, what do you guys think? I do have morals and don't want to compromise them for this guy (my ridiculous ex). Why am I good enough to be friends with and sleep with, but nothing more? He also didn't want to have that talk with me, but I pushed for it, because I needed clarity. I still love him and care deeply for him and just wish he wanted to be in a relationship again. What are your thoughts?
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blow-job, friend with benefits, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): Your ex bf must be a very selfish person if he's willing to play with your heart and waist your time but not let you meet other guys.
A
male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (28 November 2006):
 For the life of me I have never understood the FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS thing!
Without any reservations let me tell you how your ex bf (or any man doing the same thing) sees in this kind of status quo.
"I like her but not enough to give her what she wants, cos I think that I need/can find a better girl out there, but until then she'll do just fine, cos I'll get some 'action' while keeping her on the line."
I'm sorry girls if it sounded cruel, but it's how many men see it!
But please remember not all men are like that, there are good decent guys out there that will let you go if they don't see a future in the relationship, so as not to hurt you unnecessarily, cos they CARE for you.
So unless you want the residual 'action' while waiting on him/you to decide if you want to go the distance - don't do it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): Honestly, the situation between you two will probably never change, he will continue to see you when he pleases, but probably will not hestitate should a more appealing option come along. Don't just seek a relationship because you are affriad to be alone, but if you really want more than just a friend with benefits, you have probably already wasted too much time on this one.
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female
reader, xxleannexx +, writes (25 November 2006):
i know how u feel hun!!!
same thing happened to me... we split up because of it... now we both hate each other cause i felt used and wanted something serious
go out and get someone who loves u 4 u and sme1 who wont just say they love you 2 rip off ur clothes
yea i understand u love him but he didnt love u.. nt reli!!
go find sum1 who does!!
xx
P.S gud luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): If he is like me he is taking advantage of the residual attraction and using it for his thrills!
Best both of you move on and cease contact. Its hard finding the strength to break the bond, but necessary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): I think you have only one choice to break up to make up with this fellow....you have been in a relationship before and this has been going on simply for some time now. You being his first probably means he feels very safe with you and you are not making him work at a relationship, so great he is getting what he wants from you a sexual relationship with no strings.
But wait a minute, you feel passion for this guy because you can't have what you want! Very human reaction, but guess what....this works both ways. He has no passion or drive to be a better boyfriend because you make it so easy to take you for granted.
Break it off, now. HE needs to buy a ticket to your show and you aren't giving away any free passes anymore, including blow jobs at your place. (Sounds corny I know, but you get the idea).
The guy is not respecting you, he does not care one iota about meeting your needs, you are taking care of him sexually, you are feeding him, you are there for him when he feels like dropping by or maybe giving you a call. Turn the tables on him and walk out the door and don't stop walking. Start dating other men, or hanging out with your girlfriends and have a good time, this jerk does not deserve you. When he decides that you no longer need him or may not even want him, if he has one shred of feeling for you, he will be begging for you to take him back and then you can tell him what YOU need in a boyfriend.
Don't hold your breath, you have to be willing to move on yourself and spend some time alone as you say you have already done...don't lose yourself again or lose your independence for a crumb of a relationship which is the path you are heading down. Relationships are work and he is not doing any, you are not work, he is just not willing to put in the time and effort or make himself vulnerable...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): I have dumped many a fellow who tried what your bf is doing to you. And boy, it felt good. Many of us have been where you have been. I totally agree with Malyce. Dump him because he's not offering you a lot, is he. Don't allow him to treat you as just an "easy" opportunity. That's pretty demeaning. You have a moral compass and you have ideals. I respect that, so stick with it. No matter how much you like this cad, agreeing to be his booty call, will devastate your pride and self-respect eventually. And, dear...no one is worth that. Accept that he isn't the one for and realize guys like your bf, simply don't have a capacity for true intimacy. Dump him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I have two choices: 1) to tell him how I feel about him (even though I did that over the weekend when we were being intimate and talking) and then tell him that we can only be friends (meaning that I'm withholding sex) or should I 2) take the next 2 or 3 months to play it by ear- keep it light-no heavy conversations- since he enjoyes being with me too. He keeps saying how he wants to "keep it simple." It's obvious that he still likes me, but for some reason, he seems afraid of commitment right now. He said that a relationship feels like work. Did I make being in a relationship with me seem like work? If so, how can I allow him to see that I'm not like that anymore. That he doesn't have to call me all the time, or that I'm able to give him his space without wanting to be with him. I've learned so much about my ex and would like for us to try again. I did lose myself when we were in a relationship together, but I've regained my independence and have my own life again- something he always liked about me, because he's independent. I now know what to do... I'm willing to try anything, because I know that he is still attracted to me. So, I dunno what to do. Also, he was always on and off with sex- when we were together- but everytime we're together, he's always all over me. For both of us, this was our 1st real intimate relationship. he was my 1st and he had only had sex twice with another woman (they were not in a relationship)-so we were both inexperienced sexually- but I've always been a willing participant. So, we're both new to it all. And I dunno. Help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): Well, the man is not wanting to make a committment but he does not want to let you go either and does not want other men to have you.
If you want a committment out of him, I think you should work towards that...I think you have tell him what you want and make no apologies for it, that you are not going to waste your time with him coming over unannounced to have sex, that is disrespectful to you and just playing at a psuedo relationship without strings.
You can continue to be his friend by being kind and nice and friendly, but make it clear you are dating and when he wants to take your relationship to a more serious level he can take his chance that you will still want the same from him, but until then take that break and date and have fun and look for a guy who respects and loves you not just for what you can do for him in the sack.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): Listen.
Why are you allowing him to use you for sex only. A woman has a harder time of saying...yah okay...lets just screw as the feelings that are evoked from the bonding of sexual intamacy are not "faked" or so how we think and feel.
So...if you love him and want commitment; tell him. If he says no I already told you what I want from you...tell him to BUGGER THE BLOODY OFF.
You have compromised them.
You aren't good enough for a friend as no one would mess witht a friends head and heart. This self motivated man needs a kick to his head and then his groin.
I say you know what you want. You know your heart can not manage being used and played with so...commit to yourself and respect yourself.
It will be hard as you have convinced yourself there is still hope for him to turn around and see what he has but you will better appreciate your wise decision months down the road.
Stay strong, be wise, love yourself.
Best wishes.
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