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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been seeing my current boyfriend for about 4 months now. I dont feel like I love him, or that i am anywhere near close to loving him yet. Do you think that this is odd or can love take a long time to arrive? I have only been in love once before, and in that relationship I was blown away from the 2nd date, and had fallen in love by a month and I still feel like that guy was the one (even though he obviously wasnt or id still be with him!). I do really like my new guy, i enjoy his company. Occassionally I get annoyed with him (for silly things) and then I let him know. This is also weird for me, as normally I dont like to rock the boat and dont like confrontation at all, but with this guy I seem more able to say what I feel at the time. I think this is a good thing for me as im comfortable with him to do this, and we had our first row (over something incredibly stupid) last week but got over it in by the end of the night. He is a really lovely guy, and he cares a lot for me and I enjoy the intimate side very much. I just think that I should feel more for him by now. How much time would you give a relationship to blossom? Im 27 and think that I want/need the big bang, cant stop thinking of him start to a relationship which I havent had yet with him. I dont want to break up with him, but i also feel like at 27 i can hear the clock ticking (silly i know!). Do you think that my feelings for him are slow at coming forward because I probably still love my ex, and my ex also hurt me badly so I am a bit scared this guy will do the same?
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male
reader, Zim  +, writes (20 November 2006):
 Firstly, don't use your past experiences to dictate what should happen with your current boyfriend. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. Whenever you break up with someone you truly cared a lot about, you still think of them in the fond way you used to for a while afterwards. This has happened to me a few times. This boyfriend of yours sounds like he's a really good guy. I can understand your feeling of the "clock ticking" but is it really worth giving up your boyfriend? You sound like you feel comfortable in your relationship with this man. This is great news and you might find that love is blossoming at the moment with your boyfriend albeit a little slowly. Sometimes love is a fickle thing. It can happen nearly immediately but most of the time it is a slow yet satisfying feeling that increases in intensity more and more day by day. That kind of love is the kind that lasts.
If you were hurt by your last boyfriend however, it is very possible that you might subconsciously be afraid to have any feelings for your current boyfriend. The reason for this is, quite understandably, that you do not want to get hurt again. The only advice I can really give is that everyone is different and not all guys are out there to hurt you. Your feelings with your boyfriend will increase if they are meant to. If they don't alter at all or if you see him more as a friend later on, then you know what to do. I hope that helps. Wishing you all the best!
Zim
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): Love can absolutely take a long time to arrive, and it isn't any less for that. It may even be more real. Falling in love with someone straight away can be intense, and that feeling is great. But it is also often to a large extent based on hormones (check out the feb 2006 national geographic). It is possible that this guy isn't the right one for you, and it's certainly possible that you're scared of getting hurt again. But there's also the possibility that your feelings for him will grow stronger and stronger over time, and that you'll realise that what started out as being just 'comfortable' with him has become something you can't live without.
Four months is a while, but then it takes a while to really get to know someone, and you have to know someone very well before you can love them, in my opinion. The all-encompassing, firey thing is great, but tends to burn out unless it changes form. But love that is comfortable, that develops more and more over time, with someone that you can really be yourself with, that is something that is much rarer, and much more real. Love comes in many forms, and it WILL be different with every guy. You sound like you are happy with this person, and like you are more confident of who you are with him. That's a great sign. Bet you twenty bucks that if you broke up (don't, but if you did) you'd be missing him with that firey intensity.
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