A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So yesterday I called a guy out through text that i used to hook up with/have FWB's with about why he is always saying sexual things to me when we are just supposed to be friends now. He has said these things to me almost a dozen times and every time he says that he was drunk or stoned. I think he’s full of shit. I pressed him more about it and he some how managed to flip it around on me and say that i was the one that started it and that sex is sex and that he doesn't want that anymore and has moved on and just wants a friendship (meanwhile not even a week ago he wanted me to come over but then brought up how i live too far and said forget it)He ended up getting really pissed off and was like don’t text me anymore or I’ll block you and youll have no choice, and maybe we shouldn’t be friends, all because I confronted him on the issue of him saying sexual things to me as he was confusing me and giving me mixed signals. I will admit that i did send him a sexual text but that was only because he was the one who was giving me the impression that that is what he wanted again. I sent him a few more texts explaining how i would like to be friends and that i did miss him sometimes (we used to talk a lot) but i was okay with being friends but he has not answered any of them and I am honestly so pissed and annoyed at this whole situation. My question is, If he has claimed to have “moved on” and doesn't want that anymore then why would he keep telling me who he used to do FWB's with, sexual things and give me the impression that he wants that again? I honestly doubt every time he said that stuff he was drunk and now trying to move forward where we could be friends seems all fucked up now because he got mad and is now completely ignoring me
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2014):
 You know what's going on. I think you are just hoping if sex comes back in the picture then MAYBE he will want to be more than "friends".
I put friends in "" - because he is NOT your friend and you are not his. That is not how friends treat each other.
YOU are basically letting HIM hold you back from moving on.
Stop wasting your time on him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 .. And you ignore him back . You do not need a friend like that, you can't be "friends " with him, because friends do not have sex together and do not tease each other sexually. Do you have the same kind of relationship with your good female buddies ? No right ?
Why is he teasing you with sexual stuff, if he does not want you as a sex partner.... Well, I think he neither WANTS you ( as in :having to do anything to get you, like expressing his desire, making a precise appointment...) nor he does NOT want you, as in : you disgust him physically.
He simply is not that bothered anymore, if you happen to be ready, available, in his area (... the distance problem... ) and pantyless , and he has no better plans, he'll gladly take what's in offer. But that's very different from the conscious , ontentional decision that you are tryng to snatch out of him.
In the meantime, it's no big effort to shoot some texts with sexual stuff, just to kill time : it's a passtime. He talks to you about sexual stuff because that's how has got you pegged, the hook up girl. If he had got you pegged as a philosopher, he'd talk to you about Kant and Nietzsche.
He might be open to still have occasional, unplanned, for-lack-of -better sex, but he surely does not sound either consumed by physical desire, or interested in being a devoted loyal friend.
Just let him be ! what's in it for you in this ?...
Honestly, I really have a hard time understanding some of you posters : I can understand the manouvers ( and the doubts, the anxieties, the " what will he have in mind " ) to get or to keep a love relationship, ... but all this masterminding to get ... random hook ups with a standoffish, not-that-bothered male, sheesh ! As if there weren't any other sexually active young males around !
And note, that I am not even giving you the moralistic speech of " sex should be something deep and meaningful between two people who care about each other " etc.etc. No no, that's a personal choice, and in some times and stages of life , purely recreational sex is just fine.
Only, ... if it has to be so difficult, and so hard to engineer.... where's the recreation ??? Just find someone else who is more willing ( and more civil to you ).
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (25 June 2014):
He see's you in the context of sex, not friendship, so can't be bothered to invest the effort needed to be friends. Being friends would mean a connection of sorts, plus respect. I don't think he does respect you. He might well be a sexist. Although it has suited him to have sex with you and he has participated himself, he might still consider you "easy", not girlfriend or wife material, just a pleasant screw. I know it is unfair, but whether they admit it or not very many men categorise women still in this way.I don't think he seems good friendship material and you should forget him.Bear in mind the hypocrisy that the FWB arrangement brings. It is very convenient for a man to have sex with you then bat you off later as just an easy lay. In many ways sex is more important than that for women. I believe we spend emotional currency during the act, whilst men are very capable of not doing so. That is why our emotional expectations are not the same. You expect to have at least earned friendship, he certainly does not think that part of the deal.Don't waste your life on such low expectations or before you know it you will be 40 and alone. Demand to be adored and see the evidence of that before you share your precious body with anyone else. Someone who deserves it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): I am a little confused. Who ended the FWB arrangement? He keeps sending sexual messages and you engaged him once during that time. Kind if sounds like both of you want to return to hooking up, but I do not think that is really the case....If you are the one who ended it, he is probably sending you sexual messages because he wants to hook up now and then. His drunk or stoned excuses are a lie. So many men use that excuse when they send sexually charged messages to women and girls. He probably got offended because you called him out on his behavior and he lashed out due to embarrassment. Even if he ended it, he still did not want to be called out on his behavior. He might be singing a different tune had you continued to be receptive. I would not pursue anything further with him, honestly. If he knows he sends these messages when drunk, maybe he should not drink. Let the storm pass, but do not act like none of this ever happened if he contacts you or the other way around.
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