A
female
age
41-50,
*ll Sor Him
writes:We've been together for almost two years and since we've lived together I've discovered alot about him I didn't know. I was curious when I noticed he had naked pictures of himself in his photo files. When I confronted him about it he just blew it off and said he was just bored one night before he met me..o.k, fine. Well it never left my mind and for the last few months I've dug threw his computer history and found that he goes on craigslist.com and searches for other bi men in the area. Then comments he makes to them and what they say to him grosses me out. My boyfriend tells me its just a fantacy and he just see's if he can get a responce. He swears up and down he has never actually done anything physical and when he does get a responce it freaks him out and he stops. He doesnt understand why he gets theses urges. He promises he loves me and that I am what he wants in life. I really am not bothered by his desires for I think its natural to wonder. I know I have wondered what it would be like to be with a woman but he seems like he is alomost acting on it. We are seeking counceling starting next week. His idea. But my concern now is, is he bi sexual? With counceling will this go away? Are the facts right infront of me? I love this man more then I love myself. We do not want to lose each other. We are going to try to figure this out but I have this little voice in my head that is screaming "do not set yourself up". I know he loves me very much. I believe he never would cheat on me he just gets on the internet and evil takes over..what should I do? Thank you for reading!
View related questions:
nude pictures, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cameo52797 +, writes (14 May 2010):
dont fool yourself. your story sounds exactly like mine. my boyfriend of 3 years was doing the same thing. he also denied any contact with these gay men. i dug into the computer as deep as i could. i found proof that he was doing these things with men. i was clueless. i had no idea he was so deep into this. i even chatted with a "friend" of his pretending to be him. it horrified me. not to mention having to be tested for every disease in the book. if you look on the craigslist ads you will see a discreet society of men looking for man fun, sending pictures. He also had pictures which one of his "friends" had emailed to him. if your boyfriend is denying any activities i wouldnt be so quick to believe him. i did and he told me the same thing. that this was just playing around on the computer. one lie after the other. i was crushed when i found out he had lied and cheated so badly. how he could have killed me by exposing me to all these gay men. i thought i knew everything about him. i never dreamed in a million years he would do these things. i knew i had to end the relationship because all the trust was gone. i hope things work out for you. i am still very hurt and so angry. but protect yourself. if you have to dig into his emails and invade his privacy too bad. i still wouldnt know if i hadnt done it. your boyfriend will do anything to avoid being exposed. good luck to you hon
A
female
reader, All Sor Him +, writes (24 March 2009):
All Sor Him is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank all of you for your insight..it helped me alot. The counceling was his idea beacause he said himself he doesnt understand why he is feeling this way. Him and I sat down and I told him that I love him enough to give us time apart and I reminded him it's ok if that is who he is..and he swore up and down in tears almost that thats not who he is and that when he has these urges a light bulb goes off in his head and he stops. The first remark about this someone said if he's been on Craigs List it only takes minutes to hook up with someone really scared me..I guess its possible. God, I pray he hasnt cheated on me. Him being bi is something I will accept but him ever cheating on me will be the end of us. I understand counceling will not change him and thats not what I hope. I hope he can figure out himself so we can move on. Blocking sights is a good idea but like you said its not going to solve anything. You guys are right, he is who he is but he doesnt know what he is..?? That little voice in my head is asking me if I can deal with this for the rest of my life for he has talked about getting married. I wish the book of answers exsisted. The thought of not being with him kills me..I would never give so much of my energy for anyone ealse. Thank you guys again soooo much!!! I cant really talk about this to anyone easle plus its very privite. This is just something I never thought I'd experience with a man and now that I finally found the one...he may not want just me. Its just hard for a girl like me to take in. Hopefully we both can come together and make it work. Perfect relationships dont exsist right..
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Straight guys don't do what he's doing. I'm gay and this is classic signs from guys that are in the closet. Most end up getting married because they want a family and social support but still have sex with men. I've slept with plenty of married guys on the DL who act out their fantasies just like your boyfriend is doing.
Counceling may give him the opportunity to come clean with you but more than likely he will say what he needs to to keep you and have a socially acceptable lifestyle.
My advice to you would be if you stay with him, make sure you use protection if you don't trust him and turn a blind eye to his activities to keep yourself sane.
Counceling may give him ways to repress the urges but just like anything that is repressed, it eventually surfaces and that can be tomorrow or ten years from now.
To say that it's evil taking over when he does this is making a value judgement and saying that what he's feeling is bad and this will make him more impulsive when it comes to his acting out with other men. This fuels the desire. If he's already on Craig's List, it only takes about 15 minutes to have an encounter and you'll never know about it. Blocking internet sites may make you feel better or more in control but all your doing is blocking off one source and not looking at the issue. If I don't have porn for a few days it doesn't mean I'm not having sex or thinking about it. If anything, porn alleviates some of that need to act out.
The facts are right in front of you and it's what you are wanting to do with them. I believe you can have a good relationship and Idon't think partners have to share all parts of their lives, some things are better left alone. You can still enjoy a good sex life and emotional bond because he won't be emotionally bonding with other men, it's purely sexual release. If you trust him to use protection and keep you safe from diseases then there is no reason to feel threatened by his other life.
To say he'll never cheat on you is an illusion but most marriages need some illusion to stay together.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): It is just the way he is built. Bisexuals can have relationships with both genders but there are cases where they can happily commit to just one gender. So he is attracted to both men and women. It's important to know if he can actually leave aside the attraction for men without in time this building up loads of tension and unfulfilled desire. Counselling can teach you to care for your relationship and have efficient dialogues not just an exchange of replies and so on. But it will not teach him to dislike men. He is at best only bi curious, that is, shows an interest in the same sex and admires a handsome man but not fulfilling a fantasy that involves another man doesn't torment him with results visible now or in the long run.At worst he can diminish and/or inhibit his interest in the same sex by feeling guilty for not focusing entirely on his relationship with you or simply by denying this part of him to check how it feels to live without it, but this test of will can fail and make him feel out of place. I hope you can have a sincere conversation where he can tell you where you stand and how powerful these impulses are in his case, to what extent he can neglect them and how this affects him. If you have moved together just recently, there may be other things that can resurface and surprise you. Moving together can be a step further... or not. Best wishes, dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): No amount of counselling is going to cure someone that is attracted to men. It's part of his nature and really, there isn't anything wrong with it, probably makes him bad marriage material though. It sounds like you are hoping that a therapist will come in and fix him to how you want but you're not dealing with a personality flaw or communication problem here. He likes guys. Either accept him for it or don't but don't think you can curb his tendencies. I'm sure he loves you but he is what he is. Listen to that voice in your head, that's your intuition.
You're not bothered by these desires? Why are you going to counselling then? I think you are bothered by it.
Human nature: Men find women sexually attractive, men fantasize about having sex with women, men begin to pursue women, men satisfy that urge by having sex with women. In your boyfriend's case, just replace women with men.
...............................
|
