A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why does my boyfriend feel the need to lie or cover up the fact that he looks at porn? I was gone for 4 hours one day and when I came home he was gone and I know that I shouldn't do this and it's wrong of me to look at his computer but under his history it says he had gone onto a lesbian porn site.When I try to hint around asking him what he did or if he went onto something like that, he says he didn't when I know perfectly well he did!I mean I don't care for that sort of thing but I mean he's going to do what he's going to do with or without my consent but I mean...I'd rather have him tell me instead of him lieing to me about it, it hurts me more when he denies it!What do I do?
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male
reader, mephistophiles  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 I am really failing by the looks of it. I was hoping that all of your boyfriends would have progressed onto full blown affairs by now, but alas they have just contented themselves with looking at porn. All that work of mine down the drain. I am surprised though, I thought women would be happy that their other half is only engaging in harmless fantasy, but one mans pleasure is another woman's sin I suppose.
Yours truly
Satan
A
female
reader, Lacey03 +, writes (2 June 2008):
Hi, My boyfriend looks at porn too. IT DRIVES ME INSANE. He put a password on his computer so I can't ever go on it. I am seriously about to lose my mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): I'm going through the same thing right now. Same situation. History on my boyfriends computer, this time he forgot to erase. He was defensive and it really hurt me. I have trust issues anyway and MEN...lying to your girl, hiding stuff, just makes her not trust you. If you felt you were not doing anything wrong they why are you hiding? Why be embarassed? Try watching it w/her, she won't think you're a freek, it might even deepen your relationship, how about that? My solution yesterday was to call an old friend to make me feel better about myself because that's another thing this does to the girlfriend/boyfriend (whomever is not looking at porn) makes them feel like they're not enough. So, will I go through w/my "friend" tonight? No, unlike my boyfriend I don't hide stuff well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Hey Girl - I have a revolutionary idea - why don't you start looking at your OWN porn sites - there are tons of good ones for women these days - enjoy yourself - what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Start checking out some hot men online and you'll soon forget about your guy's little habit..
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A
female
reader, diva210 +, writes (27 March 2008):
Girl, I am going through the same thing. Actually though, it's kind of a long drawn out story. My boyfriend and I are VERY VERY close and spend MUCH more time together than most couples. However, we do have different work/sleep schedules, and he has already broken my trust 2 months ago by having contact with his ex, who is a nut and has gotten pretty fat, so....I'm not too worried about that.
Anyways. I was trying to find something I was looking at a few days before and came across a car forum link that he goes to several times a day, and up came the history of him looking at "hot babes" or some shit. They were all fully clothed...which probably hurts me more than porn girls...so I confronted him. He denied it...blamed it on a friend who hadn't came over in 2 weeks...I let it go. It wasn't worth it because I know he loves me. I think I embarrassed him maybe and he felt like he had to lie his way out of his embarrassment. He said his "friend" was looking at the girls, but what was the big deal he said; they weren't naked or porno type photos! I figure looking at these bitches...is just looking. He really has no room to maintain a relationship on top of ours. I am a handful. ;)
So. I always trust my gut and knew he was deleting his history. (my poor baby--not very smart--HE was going through the history and couldn't find a phone # he looked up...probably because he cleared the history earlier that day)...and went and looked at the cookies on our computer. Sure enough-- he's been looking at porn. Which is fine with me...but don't hide it. I've actually been pretty cool with not confronting him...been trying to control my snooping because it is a HORRENDOUS habit to develop. It only makes you feel like shit. But. I relapsed--checked the cookies again--and saw that he performed searches on the winners of the AVN awards (which we watched together), various other women, and A GIRL WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH. That's the one that's killing me....look at girls that you will never probably meet but a girl that we BOTH know...it's driving me nuts.
So the whole thing with the car forum and him telling me they weren't porno type pictures and then he really looks at porn and the girl that we know....it's a sticky situation and I really don't want to confront him.
I figure if I didn't snoop....I would've never known. And in turn, I only brought this situation upon myself. He's going through some personal issues and so am I so I don't think IF i were to confront him, it would be good timing. I love him with all my heart, and as long as it doesn't develop into him meeting/gawking at in real life other women....then it's all good.
I just don't know if hiding porn leads to hiding going to strip clubs to...who knows.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (12 March 2008):
 This is what you do. You tell him that you know that he has been looking at it, and that frankly you could care less for it, but it's his life, and he's gonna do what he's gonna do, but that you'd like him to be honest with you.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Hi
Because you might react if you know?
Guys have liked porn since the year dot. Thats why top shelf grot mags are aimed mainly at guys. They are visual people. Let him know its fine and he wont keep it from you.
Hoards of guys like lesbian porn! Normal. As long as he isn't more into it than making love to you, i wouldn't worry. Let guys have their little thrills as long as its only in fantasy world.
Just my opinion.
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Because what is a turn-on in fantasy mode is very personal to some people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): I had a similar problem. I saw under my boyfriend's history that he looks at porn. We've talked about the subject and he says he doesn't like porn or look at it, but I know he does.
Good luck, hopefully you will figure out something. Just know you are not alone in this boat.
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A
male
reader, CorpusDei +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Chances are that he was simply to embarrassed that you found it to come clean - a lot of guys feel that their spouse/SO would be angry or upset that they look at porn. Due to the lingering puritanical, blue-nosed attitude that still pervades the US, one thing to keep in mind in this situation is that most guys grew up in households where sex and porn was, at worst, sinful and immoral and at best, just flatly not discussed in polite (or any) company. A teenaged boy will go to extravagant length to hide his porn while he's living with his parents. That is not a habit that's broken easily, and will usually stay with him into his adult years.
This is one of those cases where I can't condone the lie, but I can certainly understand it. The therapists answer would be to bring him to more of a comfort level with you and porn. Have a frank discussion that you don't mind that he looks at it and it's nothing to be emberrassed about. Let him know that you would much prefer that he be honest about it, instead of feeling guilty and trying to hide it. Although, as you said, it doesn't do much for you, you might consider occasionally including it into your sex life. Some couples enjoy the occasional porn flick now and then for ... um ... inspiration, shall we say. Sadly, though, the realistic answer, and the one that most couples endure, is "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies". It's a rare man that doesn't have a porn stash. This may be something that you know exists, in the same way that Mt. Everest exists, but you turn a blind eye to. I hope you don't, though, the therapists answer is so much more entertaining.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Well, I would just confront him outright. Dont hint around about it. Just tell him you know he looks at porn and its better that he is honest with you. Lying about something like that is more hurtful than the action itself, at least thats what I think.
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