A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. So there's this woman my boyfriend works with. He is actually her boss. At a social gathering around Christmas, I noticed he looked uncomfortable around her. I asked him about this. He said he thinks she likes him (more than a professional interest) and it makes him uncomfortable. He said she is very friendly and winks at him. (She is very friendly and winks at a lot of people from what I have seen). What should I make of this? Do you think it is possible he is encouraging her to be too friendly or something is going on here? I also noticed that at this party, he did not pay as much attention to me. Is this my paranoia getting the better of me? One time recently she needed the key to get into the building at work. He drove over to let her in as he had the only key and she wanted to finish up some work at the office after hours. He said he we went home then went to lock up again when she was done. He said she was pulling out of the parking lot in her car when he arrived and he just waved as he locked the door again. And he went home. And that was that. She is just getting out of a long term relationship and seems vulnerable. WHY does all this bother me? And is it paranoia? Would a guy feel "uncomfortable" if a woman shows interest? Or feel flattered? I am trying to figure out WHY he is uncomfortable? And what exactly is driving the discomfort itself? Is he sleeping with her and both of us being in the same room makes him "uncomfortable?" Has he encouraged her in some way and is now "uncomfortable" because he has been leading her on and sees her as a potential conquest?
View related questions:
at work, christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017): I am never one to dismiss a gut reaction, but I also wouldn't jump to conclusions.
I wouldn't be concerned at all except for the key story. Not that that isn't entirely plausible....but...did she have good reason for working late? Are you sure he went back home?
What should you do? I think you should absolutely avoid questioning him further at this point (you will get nowhere). I think you should continue to be vigilant about this woman, maybe do some snooping and just keep an ear/eye out, maybe drop in at his workplace, or try to befriend some of his other work friends...
Honestly this could be entirely innocent, but I do believe you sensed something. So I guess my advice is proceed assuming the best (that he is not cheating), but be aware of other signs if they develop and keep your wits about you going forward.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 January 2017):
 If you don't stop with your paranoia, you'll only drive him away. There's no cheating, no sleeping around, nothing sinister going on. The only thing that's happening is that you're going overboard assuming the worst and I'm surprised you've thought of all these bizarre scenarios in your head for no good reason. He met you at work so you think the "workplace" is a turn-on for him? That he'll have no qualms getting down and dirty with other women at his place of work?
No offense but how on earth do you have the time to even think such a lot about all this and spin these stories in your head? You're coming up when the kind of logic that in all these years at DC, I've never even heard of before!
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (6 January 2017):
 Upon reading your follow-up - the fact that he met you at his workplace doesn't mean anything. That's like saying, for example, "I met my partner at the gym" or "I met my partner at a restaurant" or "I met my partner in church." Does that mean the person in question should never be trusted to return to a gym, a restaurant, or a church without trolling for potential sexual conquests while they are there? Pity the fool who dates a doctor, a mechanic, or a grocery store checker in that case, because some services are pretty tough to just skip forever afterwards.
Whatever service or skill your boyfriend provides for a living, does that mean YOU cannot be trusted around any other providers of that same service in future because you have gotten into a relationship with one? Should their partners automatically see you as a sexual or romantic threat? The answer is no, right? Because you are committed to your current partner and you value your relationship. Why so quick to assume then that the same is not true in your boyfriend's case?
I am genuinely curious.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (6 January 2017):
It is perfectly reasonable that a boss might be uncomfortable with the knowledge that a subordinate finds him attractive. Now he doesn't just have to be polite/professional to her (as one generally does in the workplace) but he also has to make sure his every interaction with her comes across as polite/professional but simultaneously NOT encouraging of her crush on him. An added dimension of headache for him, basically. And if she decides to be spiteful over the unrequited attraction she can easily make his professional life miserable in any number of ways. He HAS to handle this like a delicate situation, because it is one.
It's also worth noting that HE cannot control her behavior and he might have worried she would say or do something inappropriate or spiteful in your presence that would have been completely beyond his control. You clearly don't trust him already, because you seem to have jumped to the conclusion with little or no apparent evidence that he is the one in the wrong here, and I can't imagine that that jealousy and insecurity on your part isn't being communicated in some way by your daily interactions with him. If you're prone to assuming your partner will cheat on you at the first opportunity that arises - and of constantly accusing him of doing so, as your post leads me to suspect - the guy probably walks on eggshells around you on a daily basis. It can't be a fun way for him to live.
In a nutshell, I think the jealous accusations may prove far more of a threat to the long-term health and future of your relationship than any subordinate's one-sided workplace crush ever could. If trust issues are an ongoing point of contention for you, you and your partner may benefit from talking things out with a professional couples counselor so that your fears don't drive an irreparable wedge between you.
Good luck and best wishes!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): He explained she makes him uncomfortable. It sounds like she was trying something when she happened to need to do work in the office when there was nobody there, and she happened to know he has the only key. He explained everything in detail.
Now you know why. So chill out.
You are being overly suspicious, and insecure. He seems to be handling it fine. As for not paying you much attention? Work-related social events are just extensions of work. You have to watch your P's and Q's; because the hierarchy is there judging you; and you also have to be attentive to them. They also make the event uncomfortable for some. I'd say he was a bit anxious, and that was infectious in your case. You seem prone to jealousy, so I can see why he was on pins and needles.
I don't think he has encouraged her in anyway, I think she's just the assertive, flirtatious, and outgoing type.
Don't you trust your husband? If you don't, I see why he's so uncomfortable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): It's the OP again. I remember before we dated, he was very uncomfortable around me too, because of his feelings. And I have always accused him of being very friendly with women at his work. That is where he met me. He said that is just how he is. Then he said that if he ever appears "uncomfortable" around anyone (like he was around me), then I should be concerned. Because generally he is friendly and comfortable around women. What should I do now? He has denied any interest in her.
...............................
|
