A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been cheated on in the past and I just can't stop with snooping. I've talked to my husband about it but I just keep finding him communicating with his ex and he deletes them right away. I just saw that he told her I don't like them keeping in contact, that makes me feel like hes putting me 2nd and unimportant. He told her he deletes all his emails, I just don't know what to do or how to cope with this. I know I should prob just pretend I don't know that he keeps emailing her but I'm boiling mad about this. The fact that he's telling her the truth and lying to me while I'm his wife and she's his ex makes me feel like crap, I could pretend for a little while but it will just eat away at me the whole time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): It is not appropriate in my books that he keeps in regular contact with her (unless they share children together). Maybe an email to say hi every couple of years...but exes cant be friends. He is definitely holding on to some sort of feelings for her...it may just be nostalgic feelings, or he may have a crush on her....
You need to bring his ass to counselling. You have a baby together, neither of you can throw this away. You have to start playing on the same team, and he has to understand that this is NOT appropriate behaviour for a new father and a husband.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2017): If you knew this man has an ex he won't give-up, stubborn in his ways, and has no respect for your feelings; as I said, maybe you married the wrong man. No, you don't have to just put-up with anything, and you are only powerless; because you gave him all the say in your marriage.
There's this thing called time. It toughens us, and it makes us tire of things that displease us. It also builds courage and wisdom. Don't use a baby as an excuse, and don't make any moves one way or the other; until you have the courage to mean what you say; and a plan.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis other female friends are usually just coworkers, and when we started dating he said this ex gf was his only best friend, so it sounded to me like he had problems letting go of this ex. I don't know if he cheated on me before, but I'm thinking not, but that's what I thought about my ex and ended up cheating on me. I did mention that I should keep in touch with my ex's and he didn't seem to like the idea, or that it's because I'm doing it out of spite. He says he doesn't tell me their communicating because I would get mad and that is true, but at the same time why would he do that knowing it would make me more angry to find out, so it's obvious he doesn't care about my feelings, we have a 6.5 mo old boy. I do want to be with him but seeing him do this behind my back is making me feel bland about our marriage. I just don't know what to do, if I confront him again we'll just get into a fight and he will say I snooped again and it never gets anywhere, he will call out divorce then he talks to me later like everything is ok. I'm a stay at home mom for now and going to school so I feel kind of powerless, any talk about this will definitely end in a fight, it's seems like the only option may be to give him an ultimatum but even then I don't know where that will get me. My goal isn't a divorce but it feels like that might be what it takes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2017): Ex what? Ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? Are there any children between them?
How do you feel about your husband having female friends? Or is it just this ex that concerns you? To your knowledge, has he ever cheated on you?
If he hides communications with women from you, he doesn't earn many points towards trust.
The fact that he says he deletes the emails, is an indication that he isn't being open and transparent about the contents and purpose of his communications with another woman. What would you be discussing with an ex that you wouldn't want your wife to know?
It also implies he places her concerns and privacy above yours. Guess you married the wrong man. He doesn't seem to hold much respect for his wife's feelings, or that he should place the value of your trust above his continued contact with her.
So how highly do you value keeping this man as your husband?
Pretend for what reason? That you have no say when your husband is carrying on secret conversations with another woman; and discussing that matter as though you're the third-wheel?
He needs an ultimatum; because exes are not supposed to challenge the security of your marriage, nor stress your spouse.
Ask him if it's okay if you get in-touch with some of your exes? Or better yet, consider making some new male-friends just in-case marriage to you isn't enough for him. Perhaps you require more support from other men to boost and maintain your self-esteem. Last you checked, it wasn't an open-marriage; but from where things stand, you have to wonder!
This is the time you tell a man you flat-out don't trust him; and your marriage is on the line because of it. Be serious, but calm. He will enjoy the paranoia and jealousy as an ego-boost. So you can't go to pieces. Then he can tell you you're crazy blah blah blah.
He has no fear of consequences, or has little respect for you. In the past, you just get rattled and bark. Made idle threats, or nagged him about it. You have no bite. So you have to seriously consider whether there is enough trust for him to continue a marriage with a man who doesn't place you first?
A serious discussion, not argument or fight, is required to put this matter to rest. If he insists on maintaining secretive communications, the odds are more likely he is cheating, or he will. There is no other reason to be secretive; unless it's not on the up-and-up!
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