A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will give you abit of background and then ask my question at the end; My boyfriend 32yrs and myself 28yrs have been together for 1.5yrs (we dont live together). We both have daughters, my child 9yrs lives with me (lone parent since my daughter was born, father doesnt want any contact) my partners child is 10yrs and lives with her mother, and sister aged 8yrs. The issue is that my boyfriends ex wont allow me to be in their daughters life, she has said on numerous occasions that she wont allow my boyfriend to have a proper relationship with me. My boyfriend lets her control and dominate our relationship, his daughter is now following suit. This leaves me feeling very frustrated and angry (Ive come close to hitting my boyfriend a few times, and I give him emotional abuse due to the hurt I am feeling). I feel very insecure and dont understand why my boyfriend is letting his ex control him, the ex has been in a relationship for 5yrs with another man. My boyfriend is also made to feel guilty when he spends time with me, when he changes his contact around sometimes at weekend. Ive advised my boyfriend to set it in stone as to when he has his child but he says he isnt prepared to make these changes as he doesnt want to spend every weekend with me. He currently sees his child - Tuesday (stays at her fathers every other), Thursday (Stays over), Saturday from midday and goes home Sunday at 8pm. This leaves us as a couple very little time together but my boyfriend isnt prepared to change these contact time, for some reason he feels guilty and cant seem to distance himself a little from his child. I have asked my boyfriend if we could spend every Sunday together but he wont do this BUT I as a lone parent do everytime I see him, and I am resentful of him that he expects me to do this! Thank you for taking the time to read this.... My question is am I wrong for asking my boyfriend to limit his contact with his nearly 11yr old daughter? Should I be with a guy who wont committ anytime with me and my child? Why is my boyfriend letting his ex control him?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Horne  +, writes (14 January 2009):
He let's her control things because he still feels for her in some way. It may not be love, but if it seems like there's guilt hanging around, there's probably a reason for that. Guilt is a powerful feeling that can shape how one acts, how one responds, how one orders their life.
The problem isn't contact with his daughter. I don't think any parent should be asked to limit contact with their child. The problem is that he won't resolve the issues with his ex. She has no right to determine what your relationship will be. Her only power is what he lets her have. Whether there's a reason for that beyond the guilt is something you need to find out. She may be able to take the daughter away from him. She may not. Seems like there's some things here that he's keeping to himself and not sharing with you. Either way, that's the problem, not the daughter in terms of the relationship.
The daughter's attitude seems to be becoming a direct reflection of her mother's and yes, that's a problem. Again, it's not yours. You may have to deal with it but the basic problem is his. I expected any woman I was seeing at the time I was raising my daughter to evidence the same type of respect towards my daughter that I expected the daughter to have towards her. It's just common sense and puts everyone on a footing where they can begin to build a relationship of their own. Sounds like you never had the chance. (yes, I had a child very early in life.. very, very early in life. lol).
What you're not getting is the respect from him. Why I don't know. Probably because when you started your relationship together you were pliable and understanding of his need for time and he just went along with it. You gave him room for him and his ex to work out their problems without creating a new issue for them to fight over - namely time and contact. Well, that's fine initially. But somewhere along the line if a real relationship is going to occur, he should have taken the steps that would have given it a place to occur and grow. He never did.
Answer your own question when it comes to should you be with him. No one can do that for you. We all have opinions but no one has the answer. If I were you, I'd sit him down and talk to him and say look, this is no longer acceptable to me if we're going to be together. My child has just as much right to have a father in her life as yours does. If you can't be that man, fine. tell me. If you can, then we need to start figuring out a way to actually have a life rather than letting another woman determine how we live and what we do.
Good luck
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