A
female
age
30-35,
*akesmeill
writes:Okay, literally I have caught my boyfriend of one year masturbating to porn countless times. Every time he's doing it he's had the option to just have sex with me but chooses masturbation instead. I assure you that we have a sex life and a great one at that. I do everything he wants for him and I see no reason at all for him to keep looking up porn. Call me irrational if you must but I've confronted him and told him it really upsets me. It just makes me feel incompetent and insecure. It also really upsets me that he can lie to my face until I tell him I know for a fact he's lying because I saw his history on his phone. Then he'll ignore me and "go to sleep" aka close his eyes and ignore everything I say. I don't understand how he can still be doing this after he knows how upset it makes me. Last time I caught him I wasn't even angry towards him I was genuinely hurt and upset and he stillllll does it knowing that. Otherwise he's a great boyfriend and this keeps me around. I don't know what else to do.
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insecure, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): if you have a great sex life, what are you complaining about?
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 August 2014):
 Ciar is right, If you can't handle it(pun intended) then leave him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): It's perfectly fine to not want a relationship where they are using porn regularly, don't let anyone tell you differently. A man masturbating to images of someone he doesn't know and isn't going to meet in a sexual relationship is bizarre really.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 August 2014):
 OP, I meant 'accept it OR move on'. Don't force yourself to swallow something you can't tolerate. By the same token you can't force him to do or not do something against his will.
Nevermind whatever reassurances he gives you. Assume he's watching porn and decide where you want to go from there.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (26 August 2014):
Alrigt then, why not join him? Just the two of you and the computer images...Spwend some 'together time' Or, find out what he like and do it for him. don't get all bent outa shape ove it. It's just images on a screen not a real thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): My advice may prove unpopular, but here goes anyway.A lot of guys watch porn. It's just a fact. Even married guys who have great sex lives will sometimes watch a little porn. There's even some biological justification for it. As humans, we have an innate desire to "Spread the genes." Watching porn lets us - yes, both men and women - fulfill those "urges" without cheating or being unfaithful. There is a lot of research out there that suggests those who view porn regularly cheat less, commit fewer sex crimes, and all sorts of other "positive" things.He may find you the hottest girl in the world, the most amazing girlfriend, and you may be the woman he wants to spend his life with. However, there may still be times he just needs a quick release. Be honest - you would probably not be too happy if he just wanted to have a "slam-bam-thank-ya-mam" episode with you. It's basically the male equivalent of "I'm just not in the mood tonight, honey." Why does he lie to you? Because you've made it very clear that you don't accept this part of him, and he's either finding it very difficult to change it, or simply doesn't feel he has to, because as was stated, it's his body. If you ABSOLUTELY cannot deal with the porn - that is, if it's truly a dealbreaker - then that's your choice; leave him if you must. But if all the other facets of your relationship are going well, I implore you to try your best to not get too insecure. As long as he porn viewing isn't happening FAR MORE often than sex with you, and as long as the sex with you is still great, then I don't think you need to worry. And if it is, then perhaps the porn viewing is a symptom of a much deeper problem. The porn isn't the problem there, it's the "much deeper problem" that is. Be direct with him and ask him why he feels the need to watch porn. Make it clear that you will listen and consider what he says. And then do it. If he will explain to you, listen, be compassionate and try your best to understand. If you get defensive, he will shut down and pretend to sleep. Then tell him you'd like him to listen, and explain why you feel the way you do - calmly and without pointing fingers. The best way to communicate in a relationship is openly and honestly. You both need to feel comfortable expressing both your likes AND dislikes to each other, and you both need to feel as free from judgement as possible for doing so. I wish you the best and hope you can make it work with your guy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): My own reaction to excessive porn use of boyfriends in the past has been similar to yours. I still see it as a little habit guys who enjoy it don’t want to give up. I learnt the hard way. I cannot have a relationship with a guy who uses regular porn in a relationship. I just can't deal with the fallout. My current boyfriend couldn't care less about porn. He finds it quite boring and repetitive.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 August 2014):
While sex with you may be plentiful and good, masturbation offers him a quick release without having to consider anyone but himself. He does it to porn because he enjoys it. Simple as that. I'm neither condemning nor justifying it. Just answering your question.
OP, I'm not going to get into a moral debate about porn because it's pointless. The sensible thing for you to do is to assume he's watching it/doing it, regardless of what he says and either accept that and move on. The ongoing questions, interrogations and discussions are getting you both nowhere.
I wish I could offer you something more, OP, but the rewards he gets from masturbation (it's his body and he's not obliged to check with you before he touches it) and porn are too great for him to give it up. It's just not going to happen. And your belief in your own self worth should not be connected to what someone else does or doesn't do. His actions are a reflection of him, not of you.
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