A
female
age
26-29,
*ewgia667
writes:Hello everybody,If you have read some of my other posts about me wanting to move on for good and cut the boy who treats me terribly completely, i have finally finished with him completely i think..Backround info for new readers in caswe you may not understand-was in a relationship for the past 6-8 months or maybe 7 with a guy who was 34 i was 19 and he totally used me took advantage of me disrespected me called me every name on the book showed no appreciation all that stuff. he also messaged tons of girls and told them he was single.So as you all and myself have assisted me with actually cutting him off i think i took the first step today.. I thought he was going to ask me to lend him money because he needed it (he has not yet but probably will) it makes me feel used because he shows me no respect trashes on me and doesn't even show any remorse after he does terrible things.I am not with him but the past couple of days we still talk and message like things are okay and i was still being caring and actin like nothing was wrong when i was dying inside and i tried to help him sell his laptop cause h needs money (after he messages my bff telling her lets go for a drink I'm single blah blah) and it was just a little too normal but this was bigger than that it destroyed me because if he does that with her he does that with anyone..today he was texting me and i was really standoffish like whatever and than he was like well i see your out with your friends (i posted an insta with a nice dress) and he said ill message you tmro have a goodnight and I replied how we should just cut talking in general.I explained how he has hurt me and I can't move on from this and this makes me not trust him. I said that he has not even showed any remorse towards half the things he's done or apologized to me for messaging my friend, he shows no interest to be with me long term wise. I also said that i have expectations and expect to be respected and loved and loyal because thats how I treat him. I deserve more and i stated that its not going to work if its just me trying and you only thinking its me the problem. I then said that this will just continue to be an ever going roller coaster and its like were going in circles, it hurts more for me to hold onto him whom has no interest whatsoever to love me or treat me even remotely close to the way i deserve to be treated.. i said think about what you want and life an if you ever figure it out let me know take care..He said oh i did apologize but whatever etc take care.I responded saying I'm not blaming him but this is never gonna change an I can't keep feeling so low and so worthless cause of the way he treats me..Haven't looked at my phone to see what he's said, kinda scared to because deep down i want him to fight for me and tell me he loves me but i have to be realistic and know that isn't going to happen EVER. Men like this DON'T change. Im going to be ALONE and SAD for a while but it gets better. He's probably going to move on fast and jump into something new but i have to focus on myself and realize i was naive and i am still so young and i hav e to learn from these decisions and not blame myself.It still hurts a lot.. I am writing this because it helps me so much writing to people I don't even know and getting their opinion and outlook.. It makes me feel less alone that more people know the real story and my truth. Its wonderful being heard and valued even by random people so thank you all for helping me…
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): If you watched your parents dance this toxic dance, then you have learned that love is just like that and that is a "toxic template". If you search on Youtube there is a coach for healing from abusive relationships, her surname is Romano and she has a LOT of useful and free videos. Once you understand why you attract and stay with an abuser so willingly, you can begin to understand yourself and start to change. I know this because I have walked in your shoes and went back to a man who constantly took my money and eventually all my self love and self respect. Stay strong, go no contact with this horrible person. He is also taking advantage of the fact that you are a lot younger as most younger women are much easier to manipulate. I think Honeypie mentioned that? Go no contact first, cut him out of your life, he is dead wood and does nothing good for you. He seems to be like a vampire, draining you of everything and has a super-inflated sense of entitlement. Show him you won't take his crap anymore and work on yourself!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 I think you are waiting for him to pull through for you because you want the happily ever after, which is normal. It is just he is not going to give it to you. Can you speak to someone close when you are feeling down? You need to work on your confidence, I understand that you are lonely and you are trying to see the good in him, trust me I do, when I was younger I let a guy walk all over me, and believe me all it done was hurt me and prolong my heart ache. Try and be strong.
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A
female
reader, newgia667 +, writes (6 October 2016):
newgia667 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Aunt Honesty:You are absolutely correct, I know what action I need to take and I do know better but I am holding on.. I know I shouldn't be like this but I always have thought so low of myself and never really valued myself or my well being. Needless to say I've always felt low or not enough for others and I always felt below people. I don't know why and there were points in my life where I didn't feel that way but it always came back.. I really hate being alone and by myself with my own thoughts because I don't really like myself. My parents have a crazy relationship where my dad shows my mom (similar things my ex would treat me) and I always kind of used that to excuse it.. My mom takes a lot of neglect and disrespect but still sticks around… My mom is very tough skin and she puts up a front and moves on and I try to do that with my relationships but I know that it in the end is causing me more hurt. Being with my ex for so long kind of made me feel less alone even though he was treating me wrong, and because i feel low about myself i will take any love i can get because i hate being alone.. I know its wrong for holding on thats why I am telling the whole story and everything about this so maybe I can get some guidance and stop hurting and feeling so broken.. You are right about not contacting him and realizing and accepting its over for good… thank you very much for sharing your input.Honey Pie:You are also very correct about many things.. Yes I did offer the money because I wanted to show how I am great and how he can't get anyone like me.. Stupid though considering he has done nothing for me.. I don't know why but in my head i think he's magically going to change and love me and come to realization that I'm the one and he needs to become committed and treat me the right way… I know its never going to happen so why do i deep down hope that..?Honestly i dismiss him a lot of the time because for some reason i don't really value myself and i just fear being alone.. I hate just feeling like no one wants me and it sucks…Im holding on because I haven't had much experience with love and i liked the simple things like watching shows or movies laughing eating food and to be honest might be to much information but sex as well. i know i can find someone better but i won't allow myself to realize I'm good enough.. I have to stop living in lala land and actually take action to the things I've said and the things i deserve in a relationshipThnank u so much for ur time to give ur advice!!!Cindy Cares:I like the proverb it is very funny. Thank you very much for your opinion and advice. I think you are right about me needing to be more selective and not just be with someone based on chemistry and what not. I have to ensure they are someone i am compatible with and someone who is worth investing my time into.. I am young and naive and a believer of love and i haven't really had someone treat me this crappy, so i blame myself and believe his harsh words which results in me going back..I have to put my foot down on this.. It just makes it hard if i go on social media and see his posts or him commenting on a girls pic it hurts me still and because i am possessive i don't like that which is some of the reasons I've gone back in the past.. I just have to accept and realize it is over!!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 October 2016):
You have all the words, you say everything in your post that you should do, but for some reason I don't believe deep down that you are ready to let go off him. You say you know he has treated you bad he is never going to change ect. But deep down I think you are still waiting for him to apologize and tell you he loves you, be your night and shinning armor. But he is never going to change. You need to accept that it is over for good. Stop contacting him, stop telling him what he has done wrong, he already knows, you are only telling him this because you want him to apologize. Contact needs to stop. That is the first hard step in getting over him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 Take heart, OP. It may hurt now, ... but it would have hurt more once he had sweetalked out of your savings to help financially ( you, still a teenager ) him, a grown-ass man of 34, oh poor darling in need.
OP, you have dodged a big bullet, and in a while, I hope it is a little while, you'll see it and be thankful for that.
Now, keep up the good job- and cut any contact. Cut the drama as well, I get that deep down you wanted him to " fight " for you, and maybe that's natural, but it is also naive- if he treated you so indifferent and nonchalant- it's because he does not care; how many chances there were that he'd be affected by a long, dramatic speech about how badly he behaved and how much better you deserve ?...
He does not give a fart about your hurt, and about how you see yourself.
Now you got things off your chest, OK, maybe it helped feeling you a bit better, but- stop now. Show some pride, resist the temptation to have the last word, and end any communication. It would not bring you the words of love and atonement you wish for.
OP, let's keep it simple : you got screwed over. It happened , and it will happen, to the best of us, and - so be it:it may be a precious lesson if you learn from it and make your future love choices accordingly.
Talk is cheap : everybody can say " I am worth more, I want more, I have the right to be treated well, loved, and respected ". Sure ; then DO IT. Be more selective in your choice of mates- or adopt different selective criteria, not based just on chemistry and attraction- and , if even so, unluckily you pick a wrong one ( some times that happens too, love is not an exact science with failproof rules ), and things do not work- enough. Next. Do not keep banging your head against a brick wall ,( in this case tryng to reform a player who does not want to be reformed )- you have seen how much it hurts .
Here we have a funny proverb which says " Do not shampoo donkeys- it's a waste of time and soap " :)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (6 October 2016):
 Don't waste your time on him and don't tell him what he's done wrong. He knows all that very well, he's not a child. It's like you're hoping that your dramatic speech will somehow change him and he'll come crawling back to you, a new and changed man.
That's never going to happen OP. Just completely block him and cut him out of your life. He isn't going to change
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 You've done the right thing. It sucks at first big time but it will get easier.
There's really no point wasting your time and effort on a man like this, like you said he's never going to change and it's good youve finally realised that so you can start to move on.
Just keep busy, hang out with friends or throw yourself into work or studying or find a new hobby.
You're very young and you've got plenty of time to find someone special and won't treat you like this guy has done.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 Fighting for you or making grand speeches about how he will change will NOT change the past nor who he is.
HE is an immature dude dating a 19-year-old when he is 34 because no mature woman would take him shit in a relationship, whereas someone young and inexperienced like you might.
If I were you I'd just cut the contact, stand up for yourself. While it was good you told him how his behavior affected you, you ALSO gave him the recipe for what to say to make YOU roll over. You just handed him more ammo to continue his behavior - IF you let him.
What I get from your post is that you somehow confuse drama with love. That the more dramatic and toxic it is the more "passionate" it must be! It's not.
It almost sounds like you are hoping that he will ask for money, so you can show him what a great GF you are. In hopes, he will totally change his tune. He won't. He might for a week, because he needs to money, but it's a facade.
YOU, dear OP are the ONE in charge of how others treat you. Rather how you LET others treat you. And you have spent 7 months letting this guy call you name and treat you in a way you KNOW it's respectful or coming from a loving place. My guess is if one of your female friends were in your situation and asked you for the advice you would tell her to stop and get far away from that creep.
BLOCK him. Focus on yourself. Take some time to figure out why you allowed THIS guy to treat you so dismal and don't use the words "I love him" because that is no excuse. Not after only 7 months. If this started from the get go you have had plenty of opportunities to tell this creep to go suck an egg, fly a kite kick rocks. YOU need to figure out why you didn't.
Maybe you thought it was your "fault' he mistreated you. That maybe you deserved it. But you don't and you didn't. THIS is who he is. THIS is how he treats women. THIS is why he went after a 19-year-old. (you) He simply isn't CAPABLE of a healthy relationship, no matter whom he chooses as his partner.
Be done with the drama, the feeling like crap and with him.
Try use a little common sense here. YOU can not change him or FIX him. HE is who he is. And that.... is a crappy "old" creep.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): In your situation I would hurt but know deep down I could be happier with someone else, so it would be easy in a way.
My situation was that we weren't sexually compatible so mine was difficult, he didn't do much wrong. It was horrible and still is but there must be someone out there.
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