A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband sulks if he doesnt get his way .. its driving me mad .. he gave up work to start retraining in January ,which I admire as hes 48 ... hes always sulked but seems more now we are together more .. he buys rubbish off the internet just to put it in the cupboard but sulks when i say dont (we had to buy a new shed for his crap .. he is always wanting to change his car and sulks if I say what's the need (8 cars in 3 years) , hes the same about sex , if I say no he sulks.. there are no arguments but he just changes his whole demeanor towards me ... he will just go off to bed without me and encourage me to stay downstairs to watch tv..why is he like this ??
View related questions:
the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2021): I'd say it's an irritating personality quirk, and one you're familiar with over the years of your marriage. It's leftover from his childhood. If it completely puzzles you, and you really need to know why he's like that; you can pose the question directly to him. Otherwise, like a spoiled brat; allow him to vent his frustrations and disappointment as he sees fit, as long as he isn't abusive, retaliatory, or doesn't play vindictive games. Apparently he gets over himself; and it doesn't seem as malicious as some people are when they don't get their way.
People sulk to draw your attention, and to evoke guilt. We all do it, it's just that some people are more dramatic and adept at emotionalizing than others. I would be lying, if I claimed I don't pout or sulk when I get my feelings hurt when denied something. Not like a child, but close to it at times. What do you do when someone denies you something you think you really need or want? Rejoice, and dance a jig? I think not.
Before he wastes money or splurges on frivolous online purchases; sit-down and go over last year's budget and spending. Show him the monthly bank statements, and all the lists of credit card purchases. If you have recurrent issues about spending and savings; then you have to handle it businesslike. Prepare a spreadsheet, and give him a full accounting of his prodigal spending. Establish your own secret rainy-day account, syphon off a sensible amount to be stashed in-case of unexpected emergencies. You should only receive e-statements, not paper. It's an emergency fund, and if it is discovered, and he has any beef about it; you will promptly explain that you were forced to do it, because he sulks every-time you try to intervene when he's being a spendthrift. You have no choice, but to take pre-emptive measures to protect the household budget. He is not allowed to use the rainy-day fund outside of emergencies; and you should keep the fund in your name only. Do not share your pin, or allow access without your permission.
You should also practice what you preach. Don't monitor his spending, and be miserly only when it comes to what he spends his money on. If you're the moneywise person in the household, you have to stick to your guns; or you'll find yourself struggling financially, which will also strain your marriage.
Sulking is harmless, though annoying. If it's getting incessant, you should just be straightforward and honest, and tell him you're fed-up; and he's too old to be pouting like a spoiled-child. I'd curb his habitual car purchases, that is a huge expense; and that alone could drive you both bankrupt! Eight cars in three years?!! That's insane! You've had the patience of Job!!! FYI, Job is a biblical character who went through hell on earth! I won't presume everyone has read the Bible, or has heard of him.
If your spouse sulks after being denied sex or intimacy; that is purely emotional, and such instances are like a piggy bank. You keep adding pennies, and they will eventually become a pound. They will add-up. It will become a sore spot in your marriage, and that sore will fester over time. Marriages erode, because of the lack of passion and intimacy. Your attitude, particularly how you reject your husband when you are not in the mood; has a lot to do with the emotional-reaction you'll get. It's better to reject him gently; than to just rollover, or flat-out refuse him. Nice is always better than nasty in this situation. One-day you'll be back here complaining that he doesn't seem to be interested anymore. You reap what you sow.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 December 2021):
 I can understand wanting some time and space to cool off after an argument but if this is how he typically behaves after not getting his way, then I have to agree with the other poster's opinion that it's passive aggressive.
I imagine he isn't accustomed to being listened to (long before he met you) so he hasn't bothered to learn better communication skills. he gives up before he's tried.
My recommendation is rather than asking him questions you could make open ended statements, such as 'if you want to tell me what's bothering you, you can let me know'. Remain calm, confident but not apologetic. Then leave it at that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2021): He is like this because he is a baby in an adult's body, a child living in an adult's head. He wants what he wants when he wants it and sulks. It is his way of dealing with it, and he knows it gets to you, you were silly to let him see that. Next time he goes to bed sulking because you do not want sex say I will I will watch tv, there is a good film on soon,
as if you do not notice or care. Both of you are being equally silly. Personally I would see it as a relief he he went to bed and went to sleep if he is so child like, far better than him being awake and speaking to me! As for he goes off to bed if I say no, I find this odd, most couples go to bed together and then kiss and cuddle with one thing leading to the other, not you having to promise it before you go upstairs?! Does not sound at all passionate, romantic or natural.
As for being eight cars in three years, if he earns the money and can afford it so what. Since the virus most people have been spending more than they used to, many are stuck at home all day and get bored, Amazon and Ebay etc are getting more orders than ever. Some people have something arrive every single day to relief the boredom.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2021): He wants to avoid confrontation by giving you the "ice" treatment. It's an effective passive aggressive tool. Buying all this stuff you don't really need might be his way of dealing with some deep rooted unhappiness about something or problem. Try to get him to talk about himself when he isn't sulking around. I would try to get him to open up.
...............................
|
