A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Good morning, I am going to try to sum up a relationship that I am in because I am simply going nuts trying to figure it out.I moved in with a guy about nine months ago and to be honest the relationship started off in a rocky way but I believed that progress could be made. I make no claims of perfection on this site and acknowledge that I have my own shortcomings and always do my best to recognize and create change within myself when needed. To date, I have been witnessing some behaviours that really hurt me and can't make sense of it all.On one hand, the man that I am with has moments (they are becoming less and less) where he is a wonderful person who offers caring and affection. However, it seems as though no sooner am I taken with his offerings of what seem to be love; and he displays a whole different side that is quite cold and pushes me away. All the while, I am blamed for this treatment and he is unreachable on a mutual level where I can get through to him that it is not ok. I find myself doing constant check ins with myself to see if there is any validity in what he is saying and for the anger towards me that I am witnessing. I will now take you up to a scenario which is quite typical to be honest and it took place last night. I live in Canada and the weekend ahead is Thanksgiving. I have a childhood friend that I have not seen in years who is coming to visit and I have been engaged in preparing for this time. The night before last I asked him for his help clearing out a room in the house so I could set up a big double high air bed for her to sleep on which he said without hesitation that he would help me with last night. Great I thought, I can work with that. Last night he comes home from work and eats dinner and asks for an hour to sit on the couch and rest before he helps out. Fine, worked for me; I can respect the need for this time that he needed. I return at the time he said he would help and ask for assistance again and he ignores me. It is almost like I have to beg him for help on a continual basis because he does not live up to his word most of the time. He proceeds to tell me that I should do it myself. I tell him I am unable to move some of the bigger items alone and he proceeds to help me in a state of anger. While he is angrily moving things he is raising his voice and telling me that I am 'useless'. (This seems to be the word of choice lately for some reason and I do not like it one bit). He complains and complains about helping me with this to the point where I could not take it anymore and tell him not to worry about it. I deflated the bed and said I would set up shop in the downstairs of the house because I could not take being treated like that anymore. He storms out of the house and comes back later and goes to bed.This morning he is not in a better space at all. He has shut the door in my face twice and suggested that I get my dresser and end table out of our bedroom. He did not say good bye to me when he left for work and shows no remorse or awareness of the inappropriateness of these actions. What the hell makes someone this way? I have also noticed that he does not want to spend much time with me outside of the house and it is to the point where he thinks our couple time is going to the local store for necessary items. What is going on here? My head is spinning from this guy. Personally, I do not think that anyone should be treated like this or told they are useless. I get blamed for all of this anger and he somehows feels ok treating me this way. Can anyone out there see outside the bubble I am in and offer any advice? Why do people treat others this way? Why does this guy think it is ok? What the hell is going on here?Thanks so much for your time in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): wow firstly ~~have a hug~~ secondly, no one should be made to feel the way his making you feel. The old saying, if you say something long enough you just might begin to believe it. Your not useless, his obviously frustrated over something, and unfortunately your the closest to him so he is taking it out on you.
You need to try and get to the bottom of why his so angry all the time. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Has he got any concerns with family or work or money maybe? Is that getting him down. Maybe he is the one who is after someone to mother and listen to him.
When he comes home from work, ask him how he's day has been, if he replies crap then you know he might be under some stress at work. if thats the case then this is your good opportunity to explain that he can sound off at you anytime but not in the maner he is doing it. If something is bothering him, tell him you want him to share whats bothering him, tell him your help if you can, it might only be an ear to listen and a hug but it will help knowing he has your support.
You have got to try and get him to open up, you will never know the problem otherwise and he will constantly treat you with no respect and then eventually you will walk.
Your not alone, a lot of couples go through this, women are great at taking things out on their partners, its the way of the world. Its trying to move beyond that and help eachother when things are getting you both down.
If its none of the above, then you must tell him out right that he is hurting you, and you dont understand why he is doing that. Write him a letter, put all your feelings down, leave the letter for when you know his home on his own, so he reads it and takes it in. That may just work, he may then just see how bad he is being.
GOOD LUCK!
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