A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know my ex and I treated each other badly but I need some pyschology as to WHY certain things happened. My ex, who has had a brain condition since birth, broke up with me several months ago after 3 months together. We had known each years and became close friends last year after his break-up with his ex fiancee (she was cheating on him) who he had been with for 5 years. He was the loveliest guy I had ever met and in fact, the only guy I had ever been myself with. It was him suggesting marriage and kids.When we got together he said I would need to bear with him if he freaked out because he wasn’t used to be treated well by a girl.We had sex once 2 months into the relationship (which I think was too early) and he admitted that he wasn’t sure of his feelings for me. There was little intimacy but he explained he didn’t feel like it (he seemed depressed as he was moody and quiet), yet at the same time he was always initiating contact to see me, saying he was missing me, making plans for us next year and in the future (and yet he claims the relationship was already over for him then).I feel sad that I can’t remember him saying anything nice about me or my acheivements while we were together, although there were many before we got together. He kept praising other people up. I don’t know whether he was scared of losing me so he thought by making me feel bad I wouldn’t have the strength to leave (he had said before we got together that he was scared of losing me to another man). I feel so disappointed that he would resort to this because all he did was push me away.The incident that sparked the break-up was when we went out with some friends one evening. He didn’t speak to or look at me all evening and I was really quiet, partly because of him and partly because of some personal stuff. He took my silence personally and made comments about it but didn’t ask me why I was quiet. We didn’t speak to each other for over a week. I tried calling him but getting no reply and I sent him a message saying I hoped he was having fun. I was getting phonecalls in the early hours with a caller withheld no. which I now reckon were him since they stopped after we broke up. I can’t understand why we kept testing and playing games with each other.He then broke up with me saying he didn’t miss me at all, someone had told him that I really liked him and he thought oh no (I felt insulted that he would sleep with me when he wasn’t in love with me and that he would think I would do the same); he didn’t feel bad about breaking up with me at all, etc, saying I should go out with other men (which really upset me), saying he couldn't give me what I wanted (but he had never asked me what I wanted) but then he wanted to instantly resort to friends and he started making eye contact with me again! He was contacting me asking to go out places with me like nothing had happened! I refused each time. To me, I didn’t deserve all that hurt - I felt that it should have been aimed at his ex.He came over just over a month after we split up and during the conversation he mentioned another girl who he spent all evening talking to (I felt this was a dig) and how clever she was (again praising up people) and that he was thinking of asking her out. A few days later he phoned me up and asked if I would go out that evening but I couldn’t and he said ‘well, when can I see you again?’He phoned me up on another occasion when he was with his friend and they were constantly taking the ‘p’ out of me when I just wasn’t in the mood and I snapped at him. A week or so passed and he sent me a message saying he was sorry if he ever made me feel uncomfortable and he just wanted us to be good friends and have a laugh and he hoped that I could forgive him.Why does he seem so resentful of me even now given that it was him that broke it off with me? Why did he sabotage/treat me bad in this relationship, where 99.9% he was being treated well which is what he wanted and when he was the one in particular who was so keen for it to work initially? Yet, with the girl who treated him badly, he ‘would have done anything for her’? It is so messed up.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 March 2007):
 He was with his ex a long time and personally I think you were a rebound relationship for him. You should both have remained friends for the time being. Too much has happened too fast with him. Having sex too with you was much too fast for him and it only screwed his mind up more than anything else. He said "he didn't feel like it," another clue that the relationship was moving too fast, he wasn't completely over her but longed for love and affection but you weren't HER...
When he said he was missing you, he was missing your friendship, he missed "his friend" that he could go and talk to, he missed what you had before you both took it to the next level of actually being together as a couple. I feel there was too much pressure on him to do and say the right thing to you. He wasn't pushing you away, he was pushing the "situation, the set up" that you had together away. It's a shame you didn't say to him to revert back to being friends for the time being so he could get his bearings again. It was all just toooooo fast for him!
When he said he didn't feel bad about breaking up with you at all he was saying "I'm glad we've broken up now. NOW you can be my friend again and we can have what we had before!" Maybe his brain condition has made him feel a bit more screwed up and immature than a normal man of his age, I don't know, but this, I feel is the reason for him saying he was glad he broke up with you. He sees you as a very very dear friend and could never imagine you as anything else. Does this make sense?
That is why he wanted to resort straight back to "friends" again after the split. He wanted things to be back to "normal" the way they were before all the pressure. Enjoy your friendship with him. Go out places together and enjoy just being buddies! He looks up to you far more than you know, you just weren't right for one another relationship wise and because of his brain condition he just couldn't adjust from friends to lovers, it was too much for him to comprehend. Whether he'll actually settle down with someone in the future is anyone's guess.
Enjoy him as your friend and forget the past, he already has!
Eve
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