A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi people of DearCupid.I hope you can help me figure this out and I apologise in advance if I make typing mistakes or sound incoherent. I'm on my friends laptop so not used to the keyboard. I'm in a long-distance relationship, it's been just under 2 years now. We met when I used to work in Germany and started seeing each other there. I knew him as an acquaintance for a while before we started dating. He is originally from Algeria but has held German citizenship for over 25 years. Although we never lived together, I used to spend a lot of time at his place, staying over etc., and vice versa. Then my contract ended in Germany and I got transferred to the UK. It was too soon to make big decisions about living together, although he wanted me to stay in Germany, if I wanted to keep working for the same company and in the same management role, I had to come back to London. As he was unemployed, it would have been a really bad idea anyway. And he speaks NO English, although fluent in Spanish, French, German and Arabic.We keep in touch regularly, emails every day and a phone call maybe once very 10 days. We share what's been happening during our day, any highs and lows. What's bothering me is that something happened to me, and he didn't seem interested. About 2 weeks ago I developed a really itchy and odd looking rash on one leg. I ignored it thinking I must have caught my leg on a nettle or something while gardening or walking through the woods. It got better and then all of a sudden got a lot worse, very painful and almost oozing, red spots and one night it kept me awake and my leg was throbbing. I decided best go to the doctor, I told him all this and he just kept saying don't worry about it until you see the doctor and I hope it's nothing serious. I actually thought it was a really bad varicose vein coming up. My leg was kind of swollen and then I had pains in my side. I told him I had these pains which seemed to be going up into my chest and his response was to laugh and tell me not to worry.Anyway, I saw the doctor and she reassured me that she doesn't think it's a vein issue, thank goodness and that it looks like a fungal infection of the skin or hair follicles and she prescribed me some anti-fungal/antibiotic cream. She checked my blood pressure and it was a little bit high and said she would keep an eye on me, that if the cream hadn't worked after 7 days, to come back and see her again. She explained that the pains could be due to the infection and to come back if they got worse.Well I do feel much better and the cream seems to be working. I emailed my boyfriend and told him what had happened and his reply later on was "How was your day? I had a really bad headache but it's better now". I said I was ok and repeated what I said about the doctor and my leg, but he hasn't even acknowledged my response and is going on about other stuff. Like it never happened. No how are you, how is it feeling, has it got any better. Nothing.Am I wrong to feel offended? It feels as if he really doesn't care two hoots!I have noticed this about him before, a selfishness, but
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 June 2015):
 It sounds more like a cultural difference than an aloofness. Some cultures (midle Eastern for one) hold the aches and pains of a female as less than important. ergo, he would not sem to have empathy for your discomfort. that may sound cold and perhaps even biggoted but I'd bet money that if you were his school buddy and a man., he'd have much more sympathy for your problem. He's just not conditioned to be very concerned for your problem, I mean after all it's OK now right? so what's the problem. You come from a culture of cross-gender respect and caring. He does not. Good Luck!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 June 2015):
 I did forget to ask you, do you two have plans of closing the distance? Of one of you moving? How often do you see each other?
I get LDRs, I was in one as well. We saw each other often due to our travel schedules so we were able to maintain it and eventually we closed the distance and we got married. This was in my early 30s too. So I do relate to your situation. However, we didn't face cultural differences and he is an excellent communicator so we have been able to talk through things.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2015):
Rather than be irritated, express to him that you would like to hear him ask about your health and well-being as you ask about his. Make it matter-of-fact and not judgmental, just tell him that it is important to you that he ask about your health.
You do say that you already share your highs and lows.
This may be a cultural difference, a male-female difference or simply that he assumed that you had seen the doctor and things were improving and thus it wasn't needed to comment on it.
If something is important to you, maybe a good strategy is to let him know that you will let him know what is really important to pay attention to, so that he has the advance knowledge that he needs to comment on this specific thing.
Men are poor mind-readers. Sorry, men, but you are. So don't be angry at him for being a bad mind-reader. Just give him the tools he will need to communicate effectively with you.
Keep in mind that this type of communication goes both ways and you should be open to paying attention to his communication needs.
You say that you've noted a selfishness about him, have you tried to discuss communication styles? Cultural differences?
You did let this thing go on for 2 weeks, so I'm assuming you discussed it with him? So maybe he got a wee bit fatigued by hearing about the ailment without any sign that you were taking action to address it? Maybe he thought it wasn't as bad as it seemed to you?
So, in short, rather than spend time being offended by this, be upfront with him and discuss your and his expectations about communicating.
If he truly is selfish you'll find out quickly enough.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2015): I agree with WiseOwlE; I'm sure he was concerned it was just that once he knew you were going to be OK he saw no interest in talking about it further. Don't forget he hadn't actually seen your leg, so it might have looked much worse than it sounded to him. A fortnight ago I went to my Mum's and developed conjunctivitis while staying overnight. I woke up with sore, glued up, blood shot eyes and half my face was red. I couldn't drive so couldn't collect my husband from work. He moaned and whinged (certainly no sympathy) so I ended up having to send him a selfie, at which point his response was "Blimey you look rough, you should see a doctor". It wasn't that he didn't care, he just didn't view it as particularly important, which it wasn't in the scheme of things.Call me sexist but I also think we women tend to enjoy talking about medical issues more than men do; periods, childbirth, breast cancer, cholesterol levels, etc. Your bf may not want to discuss things like that at length and since your health was on the up, he felt he didn't need to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2015): You are overreacting. He did try to reassure you that it was probably nothing too serious. It turns out he was right, and he was trying not to get you too upset. The best way to keep other people calm about threatening news, is to stay calm. If he has known you as long as he has, he may also know you may have a flair for the dramatic. I am not insulting you; but your post may offer a little evidence to support the assumption.
Once you offered him the doctor's diagnosis and prognosis; what more was there left to discuss about it? You're not a little girl, and you weren't hospitalized for emergency treatment. Puss and swelling isn't very pleasant conversation; and international calls tend to be a bit costly. He may have been trying to take your mind away from your concern about it and keep things upbeat. Serious or no, it was very scary for you. Not getting into the details about it, doesn't mean he doesn't care.
It doesn't warrant the reaction of a cancer diagnosis. It was a fungal infection. Some people get queasy listening to a graphic description, or talking about such things; and may avert the conversation. It would have hurt your feelings all the more, to say he'd rather not discuss it.
Let's discuss something good, being unemployed is a downer enough.
I'm glad to know you're doing okay, and very glad it is nothing too serious. It was a scare for you, I'm quite sure. However; he may not be a very reactive person by nature. So after all these years of knowing him; why does this particular issue stand-out? Perhaps he should have offered you his sympathies; but he may have been concerned it might become a lengthy conversation.
One thing I know about the unemployed, they don't welcome bad news; and find it hard to summon a lot of empathy when they've got their own troubles to worry about. It wouldn't hurt to tell him it hurt your feelings that he didn't seem very concerned about your medical issue. Otherwise; don't make too much of a big deal over it. I don't understand why you'd draw the conclusion that he doesn't care at all?
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