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age
41-50,
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writes: I really need help. Its no secret to my fiance that I don't trust him. I have talked to him about being honest and earning my trust back. But he continues to lie to my fsce. I give him every chance to be honest. Why does he lie to me? How can I marry this man in two months? We have been together for seven years most of that time has been great. I have four kids. My youngest is his and mine together. He loves them. We love each other. I just can't shake this bad feeling I have had. I hate being lied to. Please I need some advice. Thank you!
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (19 March 2013):
Oh - one more thing - cancelling and losing a deposit is FAR FAR FAR cheaper than going through a divorce.
Not wanting to lose deposit money may be one of the worst reasons Ive heard for going through with a wedding. Just think, do you think when you're 70 you're going to look back and think - "Wow, Im sure glad I saved that deposit money, despite being completely miserable for 40 years because I married an a-hole...."
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2013):
 If you can't cancel the venue and caterer, have the party, not the wedding. Change the flowers and don't wear the white dress.
I read your first post here. You wrote: "Everyone is telling me to postpone the wedding." Everyone is telling you to postpone the wedding. I think that's a major clue that there is something wrong with your choice of man…. pick up the clue phone, it's ringing off the hook!!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): "Our wedding is planned for May. 11th. Yes we have paid for the location and caterer. We have talked anout all our issues and have a counseling apt.Coming up. Thank you so much for the advice."Advice that you will more than likely once again conveniently ignore. Sorry, but you'll have to figure out another way to phrase your question in a way that will elicit the reassuring response you so desperately want to hear.Allow me to politely suggest that if philandering boyfriend is suddenly so anxious to marry you that he's pushing for a wedding after seven years of shacking up (as my late grandmother would say, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"), then I can only assume he stands to gain something by marrying you that is strictly to his advantage, benefit and convenience. Until next time. . .
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
 funsize, counseling takes a long time to work.If you marry him in May you may find a year from now in counseling that his issues are insurmountable and you will want out... a divorce is so much more difficult and expensive vs. a breakup.I have walked in your shoes... more than I care to admit... it's one of the reasons I have three divorces behind me.Do as I say not as I do.. use my experience please. I clearly don't.Please consider postponing (at least) the wedding. If you cancel right away you may be able to get some of your money back if they can rebook....Don't worry about what others think....I wish you the strength I know you will need.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2013):
Good luck with the counseling, but I would say that you should still postpone the wedding for at least a year.
Check the cancellation policy on your contracts with the caterer and the venue. It would be wiser to cancel now if there is a 30-day or other cancellation clause in them.
Best to lose a little money now than get stuck with a compulsive cheater for life. I don't think they make great role models for kids, ya know?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur wedding is planned for May. 11th. Yes we have paid for the location and caterer. We have talked anout all our issues and have a counseling apt.Coming up. Thank you so much for the advice.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 March 2013):
No trust = no relationship.
Thing that bother you about your gf/bf always seem to get worse after marriage.
Marriage and who you marry is the single most important decision you will ever make regarding your own happiness.
Proceed accordingly.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 March 2013):
 If you marry this guy, you might as well officially open the marriage and be okay with his sleeping around. This guy just recently cheated on you. This wasn't a "in the past thing". It takes more than a couple of week's worth of talking and a "Okay, I'll marry him".
You've been with him for 7 years. He will not change. Understand that, and either open the relationship, be okay with his cheating and sexual urges outside of your relationship, or end it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
If he is lying to you and you don't trust him, I can't say you should marry him.
My cousin many years ago canceled a wedding (her first so it was HUGE) less than 6 weeks before the ceremony... invitations had gone out, she had to CALL everyone and say "it's not happening" but she survived and it was cheaper and easier than a divorce later on down the road.
You say he lies. Is he actually lying now or do you just not trust him...two different things.
IF he knows you don't like lying and he knows you know he's lying and he still does it, that's a lack of respect for you, the relationship and the family. That will be hard to fix.
IF you THINK he's lying but you have no proof.. perhaps it's your lack of trust and that may be fixed with therapy.
Either way I would strongly suggest you postpone the marriage until there is truth and trust. If you can't do that you will live with lack of trust and that will build to resentment and anger.... and that will tear down the family.
Remember what YOU accept from your partner is what you teach your children is an acceptable relationship.
Would you want your sons to treat their wives the way your fiance treats you? Would you want your daughters treated by their man the way your man treats you? That's what you are teaching them if you stay with him.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2013):
I read your previous questions.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-man-im-supposed-to-marry-in-2.html is one of them.
Nearly a month ago, you found out about his cheating. He continues to lie and hope you will tolerate it.
What, besides writing here to DearCupid, have you done to address the problem? Have you gone to couples counseling? Are you getting pre-marital counseling?
It would be nice to hear that you have some sort of concrete action plan, rather than merely repeating the bad news that you've already received loads of advice on.
What is the precise date for the wedding? Have you paid deposits to a caterer and hall?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Simple, you can't. Meaning, you cannot marry this man in two months. Unless you can make your peace with being a perennially deceived, lied-to, made-fun-of wife .
If he knows he is supposed to gain your trust back, and all he does instead is telling lies in your face ( and getting caught I suppose ? ) , then he is NOT interested in gaining your trust back and does not want to make efforts toward this goal, all he wants is to tell you what you want to hear, so he can bamboozle you and get you off his case.
Not a very solid foundation for a marriage, a lousy one in fact.
As difficult as it is, you have to first of all cancel the wedding. Then, you'll think about it, if you want to give him more time and patience to shape up and ACTUALLY regain your trust ( no wedding till then !)- or if it's a lost battle and it would be perhaps best to cut your losses.
Only you can judge which one it is, but throwing in the mix the formal bond of marriage at this time, is really a bad idea.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (18 March 2013):
 I would recommend couples therapy to get to the bottom of why he is lying. People lie because they are afraid of something. What does he fear? You've been together a long time. You have a family together. This is not something you should throw away, unless he is a danger to you and the children (abuse, addictions, etc) or if he is a serial cheater. Is he a good man otherwise? Does he treat you well?
Maybe hold off on getting married until you've been through some counselling.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): "I have talked to him about being honest and earning my trust back. But he continues to lie to my fsce. I give him every chance to be honest. Why does he lie to me?"Because you give him every chance to be honest, meaning he knows he can get away with lying to your face because you never hold him accountable for his actions despite all your whining and hand-wringing. "How can I marry this man in two months?"You can't, but don't worry. He's such an expert liar that he'll tell you exactly what you want to hear and you're such an expert at denial that you'll find a rationalization to go through with it."We have been together for seven years most of that time has been great."Assuming the time(s) it hasn't been great is when he has previously lied and cheated."Please I need some advice."Unfortunately only advice I can offer is the same as the advice you apparently didn't want to hear the last time you posted: You can't marry a man you don't trust.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-get-to-the-point-where.htmlYou're setting a terrible example for your children by teaching them that is acceptable and expected for men to lie and cheat, and it is acceptable and expected for women to be clingy doormats.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2013):
Why are you proceeding with wedding plans? He continues to lie, I don't know about what, but obviously, it's a big problem.
Take back control of your life. If you feel you have to proceed with the wedding, it's apparent you feel trapped and stuck somehow with him. Maybe it's the children, maybe you are financially dependent on him?
Time to free yourself from the prison you have put yourself in…
Why does he lie? Who cares why? He does lie, that's really what matters. The motivation behind it likely is selfish thinking of some sort.
Get out while you can, marrying him will only get you more enmeshed and trapped.
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