A
female
age
36-40,
*dover
writes:My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We went through a lot over a year ago. Everything has really been good and everything, but every time we get into an argument, my mistakes are brought up. Some happened a year ago, some happened 4 years ago. I understand that he will not forget about it , I just dont see how we can move past this{after we've agreed to} when it's brought up every time I confront HIM about something. I asked him why he would watch internet porn when mine is on the computer pictures. Then he brings up things hat happened so long ago... Please help me understand
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): I would suggest that you need to talk about feelings rather than events. I have been going through issues with my wife recently and it is often feelings that drive people to do things that are out of character. They feel that they are not being understood or that you are showing love in a way that they feel you need to be showing it. My wife needs me to show love by spending time with her. I need love shown in being held/touched. Talk about the emotions rather than just the circumstances and what happened. Be willing to hear their emotions without taking things as a personal attack on you.
By confronting and challenging you can get someone protective. By asking them to share their feelings and doing it with a soft gentle understanding voice you will more than likely get to the issue of why the do the things you find difficult. All the best
A
male
reader, The Listener +, writes (9 September 2008):
 Dazzerg has some good advice. It is possible that he may still feel sore or have issues with some of the stuff that he brings up. Also, if it is only in arguments that this is brought up he is probably just looking for ways to hurt you emotionally/mentally and those things are the first ideas that come into his head. In arguments people often do not think straight and act unusually. Still, try talking to him about it in a friendly, calm atmosphere. Also, be sure to let him know its okay to talk about it, and let him know of any issues you may have bottled up.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (9 September 2008):
 You are fighting. He wants to hurt you and win the argument and the promises that you made before arent remembered. It really is as simple as that. It's also possible that he has some unresolved emotions about what took place and that could be another reason why things come up.
If this is the case then maybe you need to draw those emotions out when you are not fighting. Talk about what you went through and how he felt. Try to create a non-judgemental atmosphere where you can both express your feelings freely without fear of recrimination. It is all in the mood and atmosphere that you set. Good luck.
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