A
female
age
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*nwanted
writes:I have been married to my 2nd husband now going on 18 years. In the beginning of the relationship we had a great sexual yearning for each other. We lived together for 2 years prior to marrying so 20 years altogether. This started about the year of 1998 when he would tell me he was to tired when I'd reach out to him for intimacy. A lot of words were exchanged, we made it through those times only to tread down another road. Seems like there has always been a sex problem in our relationship. He said that I had always pleased him and that he never wanted another woman but yet he is thick on watching porn. I have tried over and over till I'm blue in the face trying to explain how I feel about this and how hurtful, deceitful, and how it made me feel like he was cheating on me. I'd finally relaxed, regained trust and I went downstairs this morning to clean and bam, there was an unmarked dvd and I just knew it was porn again. My husband and I are going on about a year without any sexual relations accept a kiss as he's leaving for work. I do know that he loves me but why is it he has never came to me for intimacy? Why does he always prefer porn to me? This I will never understand. I really makes me feel so unwanted and unloved. I know he does love me but I just do not understand this at all. If I ask him all he says is I dunno. I swear it's like I'm dealing with a child here. Grant you he is about 5 years younger then I am, is this why? I had a complete hysterectomy about 9 years ago and I will admit even though much of the times I do not want any sex, I would not turn him away or deny him. This he does not even know and has never even tried to ask why. I'm very nervous about even posting this cause I've never spoken about this to anyone, it's very embarrassing to say my husband does not want me.
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reader, rcn +, writes (20 April 2009):
 What would we do without porn? Husbands and wives would actually have to pay attention to the other one.
You're in a marriage, not a relationship where one hangs out where the other one gets off to "bad" actors. Your marriage needs revived. His addiction to porn needs to get under control. And you need to tell him that you will NOT allow him to treat you this way. His behavior isn't your fault. Don't be embarrassed, this issue is extremely common.
If you can remember way back when, how was your sex life. Was it just a jump on, jump off thing, normal routine, etc. Some people watch porn because of the fantasy behind it. Although their acting leaves much to be desired, they do what many people in a marriage leave out. That is to experiment a little and spice up the sexual experience.
When was the last time you two went on a date together? That is something I highly recommend. Just because you're married, doesn't mean you have to stop dating each other.
Be honest with him. Let him know you feel as if this marriage is failing, you want to save it, but need his cooperation as well in doing so. It takes both of you to succeed. Trying to do it all yourself will not have a good outcome.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I'm sorry because i don't feel like i have much to say that will help you feel mre wanted and loved. I believe that if your husband knows he is doing something to hurt you, then he should stop.
But mostly i want to say, proactively, that there are a lot of people on this site whose posts i have read and i wouldn't doubt that they will post on yours as well. THese people will tell you to just let your man have his porn, that it's not cheating, that you're being too hard on him, and i want to say to those people: please DO NOT post here. Everyone has their bounderies. In some rekationships, porn is considered unfaithful. In others, the couple watches it together.
Don't make anyone make you feel that you are wrong for feeling insecure about it.
Your husband should stop, and since he is the only person who you have sexual relations with, and the only person who makes you feel bad about yourself in this way, i think he is the only person who can help you. It sounds like you've been patient with him, spoken fairly to him, and tried other methods of getting the point to him. I had this problem before (my ex) and he made me feel so insecure and unworthy and as if i were not enough, i couldn't take it. I had to end it. I am not a strong enough person to deal with feeling that way in a relatinship. You have to decide what will make you happy and how much you can take. I found my dream man and i have never been happier with anyone.
Goodluck and i am really very sorry to hear that you are going these feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): welcome - and hug for posting, you aren't unwanted here. I hate to say it you aren't the first person that porn has caused this kind of problem with.
Porn can be ok in moderation - it shouldn't substitute for the real thing anymore than watching cooking programs makes you a masterchef.
So what to do...
i think i would talk to him - see what he likes and ask why you haven't held each other naked for so long. find the things that make him tick. Point out that you are a woman (his woman) and have needs to. He might be shy because of the hysterectomy.
some people accept the addiction and say ok you can watch but here are the rules: not in front of me, we still have sex. you don't climax whilst watching etc. in return he will get the real thing.
those are my first thoughts,
Star.x.
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