A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i need help in finding some way to deal with the following situation. the man that i have been dating for 3 and one half years is 69 years old. he is hisself dysfuntional and his family is very dysfunctional. his family were somewhat friendly to me up until july when he broke up with me. like i have said to you guys before, i know that his family forced him to break up with me. when we got back together (about 2 months) later, his family has not had anything to do with me. in fact they told him that he could have me but they wanted not to participate in anything that included me. he did not want them to know that we were back together for a while. when i went over to his house i would have to lie down in the back seat so that his neighbors would not see me and tell his family that we were back together. they eventually found out and since then (in september) he goes out to eat with them, visits them, and goes to ball games with them to see his grandson play. he has been told by counselors to be up front with his kids and tell them that we are a couple and they have to accept this. he is such a people pleaser that he cannot bringhisself to do this. he thought that his sister and her husband were coming into town this weekend to visit and he knew that they did not want to be around me, not because they don't like me but because this mans daughter has told them how she feels about her father having me. so he got us so tight about this and how he was going to deal with it that he just went riding the other day to think about how he was going to deal with it. i stay with him (i still have my own apartment). i knew that he was late getting home the day that he went riding after work so i called him on the cell phone and he didn't answer. i tried again and he still didn't answer. he finally called me back and basically told me that he had his stomach in knots worring about how he was going to handle his folks coming into town and putting them up for two nights and having me at his house. a ling stoy made short, he said that he was breaking up with me. eventually he did come home and i was still at his house. we talked and he finally said that he was going to tell his sister and husband that it would be best if they didn't come. he worried all night long dreading the call that he was going to make. he did make the call but his sister has to have a biospy so they are not coming this weekend. i think that when this kind of situation comes up rather than tell his family how it is going to be ( us as a couple) and they can't do anything about it, he breaks up with me because that is the easier way out for him. i am only one person and his family is 9 people. his daughter always has to come over his house to visit with family that comes in from out of town because she is ashamed of her house. i have told him for 5 months that he needs to tell his family that they have to accept me or the consequences that may be there as a result of them not accepting me as their fathers girlfriend. i actually think that i intimidate them because i take care of my self and take care of my appearence and they don't give a rip about theirs. what do you guys think is the best way that would stop this kind of behavier from a man that is 69 years old. i love him very much and he tells me that he loves me. i all of the time tell him that if he loves me then he would not allow his grown children to treat me the way that they do and he would stand up to them on my behalf. also what do you think i should do when he leaves me at home while he goes out with his inmature children to eat. thanks so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I would love to know how old you are, cause I get the feeling that you are a much younger woman dating an older man. But then again I could be wrong.
Anyway to the heart of the matter. Your partner loves his family, he loves spending time with them and they are an important part of his life. Your partner loves you and you love him. He loves spending time with you and lives with you. You've been going out for over 3 years.
However his family do not like you, tried to get him to dump you and want nothing to do with you. You have every right to be angry about the fact that your partner does nothing to protect you, and would rather hide you away rather than tell his family to treat you with respect or he'll stop seeing them.
I don't know what you can do, if someone dosen't like you, then they don't. You can't force them to like you, and you can't force them to meet with you. For obvious reasons your partner is frightened to loose his family and he is frightened if makes demands about you, they will abandon him, and cut contact with him. They are important to him. Unfortunately I do think that his feelings for them and his need to be with them is more important than his feelings for you. I'm very sorry, but that is what I think.
He loves you, yes, but he loves them more. What can you do? Is it not possible to make friends with someone in the family, someone that you could get on your side. Maybe you should phone the strongest (the one that hates you the most) family member and tell them what's happening. Tell them that your partner is making himself sick because he's so worried about the situation. Tell them that you love him, and it hurts you to see him so unhappy. Tell them your willing to work with them about access to seeing your partner, but your not willing to leave him because you love him. I don't really know what you can do, but the truth is your partner is unable to put your feelings first.
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