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anonymous
writes:I have been married for 20 years and thought we had a very strong marriage. Four months ago I discovered my husband was having an affair and I threw him out. Once reality had set in I realised throwing him out was a huge mistake I desperately wanted him to come home but he refused. I since found out that he actually moved in with this woman whom he said he'd been seeing for only a couple of months. Four months on he told me one day he wanted to come home that he loved me and the children and was sorry for what he had done. Since being home I have found this how situation very distressing I am now on anti depressents as I feel I cant cope with what he has done to me. When I ask him if he loves me he says he does but not like he used to love me but in time he will learn to love me again. I desperately want our marriage to work and feel he's had some sort of mid life crisis. Do you think I should carry on trying and trust that he will love me how he should again one day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Sorry your dreams have been trashed. I know you love your husband and want him back, I know you feel as though you want to turn back the clock the way it used to be but you can't.
Things have changed, your husband has now changed. He left you for another woman, and although he loves you and the children he is very much aware that it's not the same as it was.
You need to talk seriously about what kind of marriage you want to build together. Waiting around until he falls in love with you again, is unrealistic. More than that you know, and I know that your trying to avoid rocking the boat in case he leaves again. It won't work you know, you can't bury your head in the sand hoping the problem will go away. If he's unhappy he will leave, or will stay and try to make you as unhappy as he is.
Can your marriage work (of course it could) dose it matter if he loves you (probably not if you've decided to stay together because of the children) Will he fall in love with you again (probably not if you don't find out why he felt out of love with you in the first place)
You need to be very honest with yourself. First look to the past. Were there no signs that he was unhappy in your "perfect" marriage? What could you have done differently. Then look to the present? How much of this can you stand. Have you forgiven him so quickly? Is it worth it, if you have to take medication to deal with all the upheaval he has caused. Next to the future. What do you want out of life. What are you giving up to be with this man, what has he given up.
I'm sorry for you both and hope that everything works out ok. In the meantime don't sweat it. There's no hurry, time will bring changes and taking you mind of the situation might bring some needed relief to both of you. Take the day off and ask him to take you to one of your favourite places you used to go to when you first married. Just for fun and friendship, nothing else.
Good luck.
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