A
female
age
30-35,
*eh2014
writes:So we have been going for about 2 months and 1/2 of the relationship we spent it together, then he moved. I fell for him because he seemed to genuinely care about me and was concerned about how I was doing. Lately though he makes the conversations all about himself. A couple days ago it came out that he was dealing w/a lot of stress and isn't sure about "us" because he doesn't want to end up hurting me. I know this isn't about him just being a guy, because there are caring guys out there. I am caring type of person, but I would also really appreciate someone caring about me and shows me care by doing it. Is he just the uncaring type or just going through something? I know work is stressing him out, but everyone goes through stress and when I stress out I don't stop caring for people I care about. And I feel like talking to him isn't going to make his actions genuine, he will just do it cause I want him to, not because he does it from his heart. In the past he has been rejected for being "too nice", I'm not here to trick him I genuinely care for him. If I wanted someone to treat me like selfish, I would stayed w/my ex. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 July 2016):
 The thing is how well do you really know him? It has only been two months, people can change quickly when they lose interest? It sounds like he was sweet and kind, but now he is getting bored and is looking for a way out, he probably realized when he moved away that it wasn't going to work, probably is not man enough to end it so he is just going to slowly talk about himself and show no feelings until you get fed up and end things.
A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (17 July 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am definitely going to tell him he isn't the same guy that I fell for and in the past when someone changes their behavior enough for someone to start questioning, it is a very bad sign. If this the kind of person he is, I don't want that and it means he used niceness to draw me in. If he acted this way when I 1st started seeing him I would never even considered continuing dating him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2016):
 Giving him a month or two to sort himself out just in case, as Janniepeg suggests , won't hurt- but frankly I see it more like the anon reader.
I think he is checking out- or inching out- from the relationship in a rather passive aggressive way. Basically he is telling you , although in a nicer , gentler way , that you are too emotionally high maintenance for him AND that he is not going to do any effort to rise up your standard of caring and give you what you want. If you can handle it, fine- if you can't ... up to you, he warned that you may got "hurt ".
It is true that when you are stressed out and under pressure you do not suddenly stop caring about people, but you start prioritizing. A stressed out, stretched thin person can still find the time and energy to be caring, available and assiduous with , say , their young child, or aged parent,... but he or she will start not picking up calls from the drama queen friend who wants to talk about their last love trouble.
I am not saying that you are a drama queen, lol, it was just an example to say that he may still care about you, but you are not in his list of top priorities so he won't make efforts to modify what's not working, he is just leaving to you the choice whether put up or ship out.
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A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (17 July 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just wondering what changed because I feel like he is not the same guy I fell for. This guy was always concerned about me getting home safe and even texting me after a stressful day, hoping I had a better day. I am going to tell him he is not the same guy that I met. I am prepared to walk away, I just want to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016): a guy in love does not behave this way. He is looking for excuses to back out of the relationship but lacks the courage to be honest. You don't need this. Find a nicer guy than this
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 July 2016):
 Maybe his stress isn't the kind that you can get over by unwinding, going to a spa and sleep it off. Maybe it's a kind that people with quarter life crisis go through. The sense that the future looks bleak and that he failed his parents or girlfriend. Whenever a guy isn't sure about a relationship, the first thought is that he's non committal, he got issues, he's a player, etc. All of that could be true and before we take it personally, one thing that we often overlook is that the guy could just be realizing that he can't give you what you need. He just got to a new place and is having anxiety about settling in.
If he's giving up so easily it means he's not in a good place in life or he doesn't have much confidence. Give him a month or two. If the situation doesn't improve, make a decision then. No need to stress out until it's time when you give yourself a mental deadline.
When you mention guy just being a guy, that's implying that stressful men go into a cave and don't want to be bothered. Sounds like you need more than just a caring guy, but a confident one who has his life together too. Until he is successful and sure of himself what you can do is continue to be supportive and give him encouragement. If you care for him, sometimes you have to put your needs aside. You fell for him because he's the caring type. Realistically he can't be that way every single day. As you've said you can't wait forever, there goes his answer, he doesn't want you to either.
I usually don't like gender stereotypes but I feel that the most caring men still don't measure up to the ability of women to be tuned in to others' need all the time. Many women are by default, caring and nurturing no matter what they go through while men have to be in their prime element.
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