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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: What are the reasons an extra marital affair lasts going on 3 years??Do most of them not end sooner?And realistically how much longer can it continue?Why does a married man stay this long with another woman? Surely it isn't a lapse in judgment, a mistake, fling or one night stand. He has been having a whole other relationship behind his wife's back for close to 3 years. What are the possible reasons? And why hasn't he already moved onto his next thrill if that's all he is after?I am interested in different opinions and viewpoints.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016): All the aunts got it right- it's for the sex with a person he can 'trust'.
I speak from experience here, having ended a four year affair with a married man 8 years my senior. My wanting to go out for coffees and occasional dinners was labeled 'wanting more'. The sad truth is these affairs do end up being everything you are told- and no matter how many words are spoken of truly caring and wanting the best for the OW, it is only about convenient sex.
My suggestion is to break it off as soon as you can and go NC. It is simply not worth it. It will hurt in the short term and yes I am still grieving about how different reality is from the man I believed him to be- but it will be worth it in the end.
He is not worth it and you deserve better- get out NOW!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2016): I'm trying to figure out why you are asking this, and can only surmise that you are the OW and are hoping that we will tell you that he actually cares for you?Unfortunately even if a hundred aunts told you this, it wouldn't give you the reassurance that you need.The only way to find the reassurance that you need is to hear from him that he has left and divorced his (unfortunate) wife.But this is not going to happen, because if it was, it would have happened long before now. And I suspect that you must know this in your heart or you wouldn't have felt the need to ask for support/reassurance on here.Honestly what is really needed here is for you to listen to and openly recognise the truth that everyone is telling you here. He is not going to leave his wife for you or ever be yours. Please gather enough self respect and common decency to leave him and look for your own man without trying to steal someone that is already committed to someone else 'for life'.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (29 January 2016):
 the girls I'm aware of, who had an affair with a married man, seemed to have low self esteem. They seemed to accept that an affair was the best they could expect.
I recall a girl I worked with - where she seemed to accept, what many girls would label as second class treatment. Such as cancelling plans made earlier, and dropping everything, because he wanted to see her for an hour or two.
It's not a date, imho, where a guy arrives at 9am Sunday morning, in his golf gear and has to muddy his jacket before he leaves to go home after his ''golf game.''
It's not a relationship if he cannot or will not introduce you to his friends, family and work colleagues.
When the mistress raises no objection to being treated as his second class companion then she gives him permission to treat his like this.
I recall advising the girl that next time he turned up with some steak (for her to cook for him) and a bottle of drink that she should say, ''no thanks''
He is no catch if he'll cheat on his wife.
His soothing words are just a hollow promise.
If you were a fly on the wall in his home you would no doubt discover that he is far more loving to his wife than he implies.
The wife is the one he honours with his name. She is the one he invites to accompany him to important events.
She is the one he turns to when there are important family events to attend.
Often the other woman is an intelligent well educated woman who hopes his hollow assurances and promises are real.
In truth marriage is a contract and like any other contract there is offer and acceptance and some conditions that need to respected and are fundamental to the contract.
If you invested in a business with a business partner and worked hard to build the business and then found out a couple of years later that your business partner had dishonourably aligned himself with a opposition business and never told you then you would be outraged.
When a man breaks a contract in business with a man who previously seemed trustworthy then the 'name' of the contract breaker is tarnished. Other men come to realize that the contract breaker man cannot be trusted.
Yet when a man breaks his contract, to be faithful and true to his wife, then why is the other woman not outraged?
If a man can break one contract then he will find it easier each time he breaks another contract.
A contract breaker does it because he can. No one puts any brakes on him.
If a contract breaker X broke a legally binding contract then the aggrieved party would probably take X to court and sue X and ask for damages.
X demonstrates by his or her conduct that the contract breaker cannot be trusted. People take note that X cannot be trusted and become more wary of X.
Why is it any different for a woman when she becomes aware of how easily he lies to his wife.
If he will lie to his wife he is even more likely to lie to his mistress.
The saddest thing I see is that the contract breaker Cheat Steals the best years of the woman's life. She looks good, she looks after herself and she is good company.
No man is better than any man if the man is a cheater, a liar or an abuser.
You will be doing yourself a favour to close the door on a cheater.
Of course the moment you do stand up to him he is likely to not like it. He will try the guilt trip and if that does not work he will no doubt try other tricks he's used before.
Because a cheater is a weak person.
A weak person may say all manner of nice things.
But when things get tough the weak person will slink away.
That will be the best thing a cheater can ever do for you.
Because you do deserve better than a cheater.
It is not going to be easy but your life can open up to new and better experiences once the cheater is out of your life you are in charge of you again. You are no longer being treated like his personal puppet where he decides when and where and for how long he can spare to ''see'' you.
Lies eventually affect the relationship and destroy trust.
As long as he can get away with treating you as his second class companion then that is what you will remain in his eyes. Demonstrated by his attitude and how he treats you.
A florist once told me she preferred St Valentines day to fall on a Tues, wednesday, thurs or Friday. She claimed that married men were more likely to buy flowers to be sent to a girl's work address on a week day, where the girl was not his wife.
But at weekends they would conveniently forget to arrange for flowers to be sent to the mistress. Out of sight, out of mind.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (29 January 2016):
 Because the OW has not said- ENOUGH!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2016): I wish you could see how little this man respects you as a person. Its frightening. There is no man I have ever met through my previous job (male orientated and pfofessional) who was having an affair and respected the woman. Wake up and get out of that awful place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2016): Why is lasting so long? Because it's easy sex and excitement, the perfect antidote for a humdrum marriage. He doesn't care about you, but it's all about the easy and wild sex on the side.
Just pray that his wife won't divorce him anytime soon because your affair will come to an end too. Your status will go from wild fling to an annoying sidekick who is now making demands.
I found this out the hard way after sleeping with a married woman for about six years. The sex was amazing while she was married, but when she followed through with the divorce she kicked me to the curb as well. Don't think for one second that you're more than a piece of side a** in a wayward spouse's eyes. You're not. Your role is that of a supplement and a distraction.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 January 2016):
 I remembered another situation similar, a married man with a mistress and a wife. The husband and wife were long time friends of my parents. As this couple aged, they grew apart (they married young). After many years of unhappy marriage, the husband found himself a girlfriend. The wife knew about the girlfriend and obviously wasn't pleased.
The wife was a lawyer. The wife planned and knew all her rights.
In the end, despite a divorce and basically a deathbed marriage to girlfriend, girlfriend wound up with nothing. Wife wound up with all husband's assets.
Husband had a drinking problem. He was a charming man with many friends. Girlfriend wasn't introduced to friends until near the end when husband was dying.
My parents were distressed at the disintegration of their friends' marriage as well as the all the brouhaha that followed husband's death and subsequent battle between ill-prepared girlfriend and legally-in-the-right wife. It was winner take all and winner was wife. Not a pretty situation at all.
My take on the whole situation was that husband didn't have the smarts to end things with wife and perhaps felt guilty about girlfriend. Who paid? Girlfriend, of course.
In retrospect, my parents said it was a slow-motion train-wreck and the loser was the girlfriend/mistress.
That's my advice/opinion. I imagine it won't make much difference to you but at least I got it out there for you. So you can't say you had no idea..... ;/
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2016): "He has been having a whole other relationship behind his wife's back for close to 3 years."How do you know what's happening behind YOUR back? All you know is what he tells you, and a guy who's capable of cheating on his wife is certainly capable of lying to his mistress. Other aunts have made the relevant points, but I will suggest the possibility that perhaps his wife may very well be completely aware of hubby's ongoing affair(s) but she either tacitly condones it in the interests of maintaining a very comfortable status quo and/or doesn't mind because it relieves her of her bedroom obligations. Whatever the circumstances, it's to his benefit to remain married so he will continue to cheat on his wife for as long as he can and for as long as you're willing to be his piece on the side, at his beck and call strictly at his pleasure and strictly at his convenience.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 January 2016):
Who knows why he keeps the OW around? Well, he does. If you are the OW (other woman), what is in it for you, besides some extramarital sex? Do you get to go on long family vacations with him? Spend the holidays with him? Meet up with him and your other friends out in public at parties and restaurants and community events?
What's in it for you?
Why haven't you moved on to an available man yourself? Why are you so latched on to a man who has been hiding you from his friends and family for 3 years? It's rather sad, when you think about it.
There's an affair going on in the gym I go to. It's pretty easy to spot. I'm sure they think it's very sexy and delicious to sneak around but I know one of their spouses and it's not sexy and delicious for that person. It's hurtful. The cheated on spouse has children to consider and so hasn't made any big moves. Though it's clear that it's just a matter of time.
I'm guessing based on some of your previous questions that you are wondering why you continue to stay in the affair. You also appear to be growing fearful that he will add another mistress to his stable. Your worry is growing and there's probably a very good reason for it.
He was away for a long time and didn't respond to your sexy texts nor did he rush over and see you right away when he got home.
You keep asking for advice and opinions, why? What's in it for you?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 The reasons it lasts longer than three years? Easy sex outside of the marriage, he is probably confident enough that you wont tell his wife at this stage. Has he feelings for you? No he likes having sex with you and telling you what you want to hear to keep you sweet, but its his wife he goes home to at night. He stays with you to give his ego a boost, its not a mistake, he knows what he is doing, but its just he gets away with it so why not. If he loved you and wanted more he wouldn't still be with his wife. Does it not make you feel ill that he is married and has a relationship with his wife, he probably tells you there is no love between them, then goes home to her and shows her affection. He hasn't moved to his next thrill because he is content having you on the side for some fun.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (28 January 2016):
 Cheaters always stay where ever sex is available to them without any consequence. That can be for one night or one decade ... or as long as he gets it on the side so that his wife does not find out. The only thing cheating men care about, those who are married, is that their wife does not find out. They hate to be bothered having to explain to her... Which means the woman they are cheating with, most often, means nothing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2016):
 Because the OW (other woman) isn't rocking the boat? Isn't asking for more. So he GETS his CAKE (marriage/family/wife) and some illicit sex with a FAMILIAR person on the side.
Makes me wonder why YOU settle for being an OW. Why waste 3 years of your life on a man that isn't "yours" nor willing to leave his wife FOR you?
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