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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We moved in together a few months ago, relocated to a new city and all. We're both 27.He has an 8 year old son. I met him when he was a little younger, and we had a good relationship from the start. He seems to like me a lot. The problem is he has HUGE behavioral problems. His mom has a really bad temper, and, even though she's the same age as my boyfriend and I, she acts like a spoiled child sometimes. She's vindictive, hateful and a liar. So she has passed many of these things on to him. Many of the reactions he has, he got them from her. He doesn't have any other "behavioral models" so to speak. He's had many problems at school due to this. She blames it all on other people.Like I said, the kid and I have a good enough relationship, and he likes me. But when he's around, I get exhausted pretty quickly. With his tantrums, constant yelling, and weird interests (he has his own computer, which he uses unsupervised... and at times, even though "jokingly", he has mentioned porn, for instance... why would an 8 year old know what porn is?! He also only plays violent video games and is always talking about death, destruction, blood, etc). He's sometimes disrespectful toward his own father. Like I said, sometimes a couple of days with him leave me feeling EXHAUSTED.My boyfriend has some degree of "daddy's guilt", so instead of disciplining him or just TALKING TO HIM about what is appropriate or not, he just leaves him be. In other regards, he acts like a baby. He's 8 and he doesn't sleep in his own bed, even though we have a room set up for him here. He comes to our bed at midnight which to me is more than a bit uncomfortable and awkward, but my boyfriend says to "just let him do it", because "I hardly see him, and what's the harm?".I know his needs come first, but I just think they, as parents, aren't handling things well. He is only 8 and is already showing troublesome behavior. I can't imagine what he's going to be like when he's a teen.His teacher (who happens to be a friend of mine) told me that he said he wants to live with his father, "because he lets me do whatever I want". I know that my boyfriend is waiting until he's old enough to decide what parent he wants to live with, he thinks he'll want to live with us. But I'm scared. He's not a normal 8 year old.It's sad, and believe me, I hurt for him. He just wants love and attention, that's why he probably acts the way he does. But I'm scared. I already don't want to have children of my own (at least, for now, I don't think). I'm scared to be a mom... but I think it's even scarier to be a step mom. Because then you're not answering to yourself as a parent, you're answering to someone else, and his mother already hates me for no good reason... she'll probably always find fault in what I do, she'll always be there trying to turn him against me. I mean... if at least she was a reasonable, sane woman. But she's not. Above all though, I'm petrified to be a "mom" to this kid. He's already been raised in a way I wouldn't have raised him for 8 years... if he ends up living with us, it would be like receiving a "broken" kid, and I don't know if I'd be able to help him.I love my boyfriend, and despite his problems, I really care for his son. I want to love him, actually, but I find it difficult. And I'm scared for the future. I've told my boyfriend how I feel, about everything, but, bless his overly optimistic heart, he tells me everything will be alright and to quit worrying. When I mention maybe we'll eventually split up over this he tells me not to speak nonsense, that everything will be fine. I think it's easy for him to say 'cause he's already used to these dynamics, but I'm not. He's gonna be spending a full week with us next month. I'm off work now, and my boyfriend's working, so I'll have to be with him for most of his visit. I don't know how I'll handle it. It scares me, but I know they need that time 'cause they hardly see each other.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2016):
 If I were you I'd sit your BF down and have a talk AGAIN. He might be sticking his head in the sand and IGNORING the things that are JUST not good in his son.
Then suggest a few changes.
1. set some parental blocks on the computer. MAKE sure the games he is playing is ACTUALLY age appropriate. I find it SO common that parents let their kids watch ANYTHING on TV or play any game they want, because it MEANS they (the parents/adults) don't have to put forth an effort to engage, parent, enrich, educate their children.
2. 8 year old might have heard about porn in school, from kids with older siblings or even... from adults. But again. Set up PARENTAL blocks so he can not access porn. I think it's UTTERLY destructive for a kid of 8 to be watching porn. While 8 year old can be VERY smart - I don't think they are smart enough to separate what they see from reality (most adults aren't either).
3. When he is there under YOUR supervision, why not bring some "enlightenment" to his life? Like visit a museum, fly a kite, go go-karting - something that INVOLVES human interactions and also WEARS him out physically :) And when his DAD gets home, it's HIS turn. Look around and see what could be fun and doable. And suggest that MAYBE your BF should take a FEW days off to spend time with HIS child as well?
As for the mother. Well, not much you can do there. It's a shame. BUT you CAN provide the kid with a female rolemodel who doesn't talk smack, who isn't bitter, angry and unhappy 24/7. He needs that. So don't be getting into any rifts/arguments that she is trying to create through her child. If he says, my mom said this or that. Just reply with a She did, OK. And no more. I know you might have a knee-jerk reaction where you want to defend yourself, but... it only gives her more ammo. And maybe.. the kid isn't always telling the truth. Maybe he likes getting a raise out of you.
I have a niece with a couple (3) kids. She didn't raise them for most of their lives, but one thing the DID learn from her was lying. They lie like they are paid for it. You can't trust them. Their mom is the same. And even though she is in her late 20's she STILL hasn't figured out that lying... has consequences. YOUR BF is lying to himself and to you that EVERYTHING is OK, when it's not. Because he can handle the status quo, stepping UP however is not something he is ready for or willing to do - but HE NEEDS to.
Time for him to take the head out of the sand and see that his son NEEDS help, attention, affection and that you CAN'T simply buy that off by letting him do as he pleases. All that does is create an out of control kid. Give it another 4-5 years and he will hit puberty... Imagine this kid who is ALREADY acting out... getting a dose of testosterone?
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/whats-wrong-with-the-teen-brain/
Is a good article.
So TALK to your BF. Voice your concerns OVER and OVER till he GETS IT!. Someone has to speak up for the kid, and apparently that someone is YOU.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2016): It doesn't matter if he hardly sees him he needs to step up and be firm with him.I have children with a man I split up with about 5 years ago but we both are firm with them. I recently found out my oldest said something spiteful to one of her friends that lives near her dad and we both told her off. It doesn't matter which parent they see the most of we are exactly the same to our children.My children have I Pads and use the internet but I check on what they are doing, they have mobile phones and their dad and I look through it to make sure they aren't looking at things they shouldn't.I know you are in a difficult position but he's being way to soft with him and he has to change. He's being like this at 8 and I can only imagine what he will be like when he's a teenager.I would never want to share a bed with somebody else's child so maybe you could start by saying that you refuse to do that any more. It may cause a fight but he needs to know his child's behaviour isn't normal.I'm not saying my ex and I are perfect parents but you have to TRY and set boundaries.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 I feel for you because even though you talk sense, you tell this to his parents and all they are going to hear is that you are criticizing them and you will be the enemy.
You have spoke to your boyfriend about your worries, now you need to tell him that when the child is under your supervision it will be your rules. You cannot tell him how to be a dad but you can show the boy some guidance yourself.
He is picking up traits from his mother, normal enough, children learn from their parents. What is disturbing is the talk about porn, why is an 8 year old on a computer unsupervised? Who is allowing him to do this? If it is under your roof them you need to set down the rules and say this is unacceptable, he could get in to a lot of danger. He is to young to have this much freedom.
As for the gorey games, well this is up to the parents at the end of the day, but he should be encouraged to play outside more and mix more with children his own age, instead of being on a computer all day.
When he takes a tantrum just ignore him. Your boyfriend is burying his head in the sand and assuming that you will just go along with all off this, but it is a lot to ask from you and he cannot keep spoiling him.
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