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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'd like to know why and how a man can have a sexual relationship with two different women concurrently? Why isn't one enough? Does that mean he isn't attracted enough to the first one? Or doesn't love her enough? Or she isn't satisfying him?He is holding onto BOTH. Not making any choices. Just keeping BOTH. Just trying to figure men out. A male perspective would be great. Why is one woman to have sex with not enough, even if she's giving him all that he wants (or says he wants)? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): Why does anyone do anything? Mainly because it feels good. Or because the trait helped some ancient ancestor and was passed down. Or to piss you off.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 November 2019):
 This is the obsessed mistress who has been posting here about her married boyfriend for years. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-i-find-it-harder-to-trust.html
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): Physiology Today says: Men are more likely than women to commit infidelity, largely because men have more testosterone, which is responsible for the strong desire to have sex.But anyone who knows just a little about statistics will know it has to even out, cheaters cheat with each other. I'm sure a study will find something like 1% women had 50 partners but that will even out with men that did.PT says 30 to 40% cheat -- it's probably higher for singles in a committed relationship. My wife and I are both church going good people, married 40 years, both admit to cheating on each other before we got married. And I know she lies about her number (more than mine) but young women have way more opportunities than guys."I was in college, way cross town from your college." her logic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2019): OP here. They don't KNOW. If they did, chances are good both women would leave his sorry ass. It's because these player men are liars and they are deceitful. They don't tell either there is another. They go to great lengths to hide the truth from the other. They deny it all and just keep doing it til somebody finds out (they will) and then there will be hell to pay. Such men are not capable of a commitment. Often they are sex addicts, narcissists, and users/abusers. It is impossible to stop a person with no conscience and no empathy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2019): You're not really trying to figure men out. You're throwing mankind a curveball and splashing us all with red-dye to pacify your man-hatred; because some guy double-crossed YOU!
Why do women agree to have an affair with a married-man, knowing he still has a wife? Why do women keep a guy they know to be cheating on them? Why do women insist on dating guys they know for sure have a girlfriend? Or, if they didn't know in the beginning, keep him anyway once they find-out he does? Why do women choose bad-boys over the good-ones? Why would a woman allow herself to be a perpetual-girlfriend to a guy she knows will never marry her, and still have his children? Why would a woman keep returning to a man who has treated her badly time and time again, even if he refuses to change? Why would a woman date the guy who just broke-up with her best-friend? Why would a woman have an affair with her sister's husband or boyfriend?
"But I love him..." is the usual response to these questions. The truth is, it's because some women have a strong sense of possessiveness, and are full of outright scornfulness. She'd rather hold-on to him then give him up to somebody else; or just for the love of drama, and a knack for being a drama queen. For the love of forbidden-sex, and a sense of power to tempt someone away from somebody else. Just for meanness!
Why you're asking??? Because human-nature has many flaws, and people do bad things out of entitlement, greed, and selfishness. Right is wrong, and wrong is right; when people get what they want out of it. This is true regardless of gender. The devil can find plenty of willing-souls up for sale. Male and female!
To generalize by asking a very negative all-encompassing question about men. Making sure none escape your blanket-generality about the male-gender...as if what you're asking is a trait in all men!!! You can't find one man not guilty or untainted! Well, God rained hail and brimstone the last time that happened! I'm pretty sure there were women included!
Your question is both sexist and bitter. You would do best by being more specific in asking why "your" man (or the few you know) would do it?
Let me start by saying, unlike the "Borg" in the Star Trek sci-fi series; we are not of a collective-mind and intelligence. (Google it!)
You didn't described a common male-characteristic; you described a kind of bad-behavior, and assigned a gender to it. Maybe it happens frequently in the case of many bad men. Like many women use sex as bait, or a weapon. Some manipulate men with sex. Many use sex to get ahead in their careers. Others get pregnant to trap a man, and a few will have children to assure themselves of wealth, and a number of ladies use sex as a means to get her way. In many ways men can't! Both sexes have our own particular proclivities according to gender, and aren't afraid to use them!
Each man has his own personality, character, physical-traits, and habits. News flash, just like women!!! There are faithful and reliable men, and there are some no-good ones. There are some faithful and reliable women, and there are also some no-good ones. Men and women do not think alike, they have different anatomies, and society expects either gender to behave a certain way. Each sex must demonstrate gender-specific traits. Either learned, taught, or by conditioning. Some are forced upon us!
If every man you've ever dated has done this to you; the odds of it occurring each and every-time are unlikely. It probably means you are especially adept at picking out a "type" almost sure to do that. You like men who are promiscuous, unfaithful, and likely to cheat. It's a form of self-sabotage or self-fulfilling prophecy to be certain you know the outcome of every relationship. If you are as cynical about love as you are about men; you probably don't believe there is such a thing as true-love. That's because the man-type you like probably isn't dependable in that area. Time for a change. If it's the only kind you can attract; find-out what it is they like so much about you, and try to get rid of it!
We like what we like! We're sometimes consistently attracted to certain personalities, body-types, and character-traits. If we consistently end-up getting the same awful results each and every-time; it's because we're repeating the same mistakes, expecting different results.
You are likely to have a cheater on your hands; if you commit to a guy you know cheated on his previous girlfriend(s). If you're prone to recycling your exes. If you pick-up guys in bars and clubs. If you are easy prey to players, and a softee for sweet-talk. If you try to turn a sleazy friend with benefits into a monogamous committed-boyfriend. If you're easily mesmerized by the words "I love you;" and will dismiss (or forgive) every offensive action or behavior from that point on. What I'm saying is, if this is happening to you so often; it's because you're increasing the odds of snagging a cheater by choice. It's not because every man you meet is going to have sex with other women while he's still with you. He's probably a personality-type more likely to do it; and something about a guy like that you find attractive. Sorry, if you have consistently unfailing bad-luck in only finding that kind of men! Maybe you should move to another state or country!
Everyone is capable of cheating. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! It's dangerous to form prejudices and generalize about either gender. If a bad experience has happened to you more than once, hold those "individuals" accountable for their bad-behavior. If it happens again, and again, and again...you've got to own some responsibility for your own taste and choices. All men are not like that! Those of us who aren't, take offense to being lumped-in with guys who like to cheat and aren't capable of monogamy. In your lifetime you will only meet or date but so many of us. You will never get-around to all of us! God made vast numbers of us; so you can have your pick. Provided you choose wisely!
The playing-field is leveled by some equal but different forms of behavior in women that men have to avoid in their quest to find the proper mate.
If you are prone to generalizing, and judged women by DC; females can do no wrong. It's always MEN who are doing THEM in! Some ladies are sworn to be "forever" victims, and totally sweet and innocent in every-way! Never taking any responsibility or owning their own faults, quirks, and bad-behavior. They all want a good-man who's loving, kind, and thoughtful. Meanwhile all he'll get in return is suspicion, accusation, nagging, brooding, spied upon, or smothered to death. Nature made a tit for every tat; and we all teeter on a delicate balance between the sexes, my dear.
We all have to choose wisely, check our own faults, and let-go of people once we determine they are unredeemable in character and untrustworthy. Keep trying until you get it right.
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reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (30 October 2019):
 (sorry no time to proof read, ask questions if it doesn't make sense)
Man here, I'm going to attempt to answer this without it blowing up. First I'll have to say that All men are not alike. We don't share the same brain, we don't have the same sexual habits or drive.
Sure the simple answer is he does it because he can get away with it. Or as BimBim said because he has the morals of an alley cat. The fact of the matter is that in general men see sex differently than women do. One way it is often put is that men need sex to feel loved, and women need love to feel sex. So the man with two female sexual partners is getting the sex first, but hasn't yet felt the love. Or at least that's a possibility.
I've got a lot to say and I might just ramble around a bit. Feel free to come back with questions.
I like to think of men as existing along a spectrum of sexual desire from HornDog all the way down to asexual. Men on the high end of desire usually have a history of lots of partners. Some of them change partners frequently (2 to 3 weeks). Some like to have different partners at the same time. Most of the men your age that I talk to settle in with a single partner pretty quickly even on the high desire end of the spectrum. They will end a relationship and no matter how good their intentions are they have a new partner in less than a month and they are building a love connection, and feeling committed.
Down at the asexual end of the spectrum you could meet men like me who identify as Demi Sexual, in that we (like women) need to be in a committed loving relationship, before we are comfortable with sex. We confuse men at the other and even middle of the spectrum because we are more willing to wait.
The kicker is that even as a demi sexual, I have a fairly active drive. More active than my partner. Now if it was as you accuse, because I'm not satisfied, then I would find another partner or a replacement partner. But there is another spectrum. Lets call it the commitment spectrum.
A low commitment man with a HornDog drive. Is going to find multiple partners until his sex need is met. Some men start as low commitment and some men lose the ability to commit over emotional damage. A high drive, High commitment man will dissolve a non satisfactory relationship and find a new replacement commitment. A lower drive high commitment man like me will stick to his unsatisfying partner, but may fill in with self care or pornography.
One last thing, even asexual men who feel little sexual attraction need regular sex. It really is a physical need. Women Don't feel this. If the love isn't there, or isn't available they can seem to turn it off for months or even years. Then pick it right back up when a loving partner arrives. BUT women are not all the same they exist on the same spectrums as men. There are high drive low commitment women, one of them might pop in and tell me off for generalizing.
What this means to the frustrated woman who is trying to figure out men:
You are probably attracted to exciting and mysterious men. They tend to be low commitment. You are also desiring security. A high commitment man is good for security. The problem is, you don't want a demisexual man. He is not exciting enough, and we are a bit hard to find. You need a high commitment man who's drive matches yours. But. . . . .but High commitment men are generally committed, (remember the one month turnaround). Chances are at your age you are going to get some baggage with any high commitment man you find. That's OK he will be worth the trouble to work through it, because you are likely a high commitment woman.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): Because he is not committed to either. He tells one she gives him what he wants sexually but he is not in love with her or she would be more to him than that.
I served in the forces, a lot of men claimed to make love to their wives but any other woman they slept with it was just sex, no matter how good it was.
Your age group indicates he is older so if he isnt committing is it because he has been married and is playing the field, he could have two women on the go for several reasons, only he really knows why but either way he is none committed to both
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2019):
 If you are ONE of these two women, WHY are YOU still having sex with him if you know he is screwing around with another woman?
You can't change his attitude or behavior, but you CAN change your "bf" and HOW you react to HIS behavior.
Just dump the loser and get a battery of STD tests done.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 October 2019):
 Because he CAN. Because the two women involved ALLOW it to happen. Because either one can walk away and say "I'm done with being treated in this casual manner" but CHOOSE not to.
Got to love it when enablers ask why someone is treating them badly. Sweetheart, he will only treat you as you ALLOW him to treat you. Be a doormat and he will wipe his feet on you. You can do somersaults and bend over backwards, but he will still prefer to have two women at his beck and call than one.
Hold your head up proud and walk away. You can do better.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 October 2019):
 A male friend once told me having sex meant no more than shaking hands.
So, to answer your question he is there for the sex, he isn't interested in a relationship, nor does he care much if either of the women he is having sex with wants more than a roll in the hay on alternate weekends.
he simply doesn't care, and if one or the other decides that she doesn't want to just have sex and finishes the relationship he will simply move on and find another woman who will have sex.
My advice to any woman in such a situation would be to develop some self respect and dump him. A single life would be much more preferable to what he is (not) offering.
By holding on in the hopes of a relationship here, the woman is not allowing herself to be in a situation where she might meet a man who is willing to offer what she wants and needs.
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