A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This question could just as well say why does anybody contact an ex out of the blue - I'm sure it's not just men that do this.The obvious answer is "to try and rekindle the relationship" or "to see if a bit of sex is still a possibility"But what if the guy makes no attempt to do either? And, even if he did, he would be jeopordising a new relationship and might even claim that his new relationship is really important to him.I can think of a few examples;1) A few years ago I received a telephone call from an ex. We'd been together for 6 years and had been broken up even longer. I hadn't heard anything from him (or wanted to) for over 5 years. Yet here he was inviting himself round for a cup of tea. He explained that his wife and kids were on holiday in Spain for a week and he was at a loose end (wife and kids having arrived on the scene well AFTER our break up.) I was actually out-of-town when I recieved the call so he was turned down and I never got to find out if he'd been expecting andything more than a chat. But I found it decidedly odd that he would contact me (of all people) just because he was at a loose end, especially as he spoke about how happy he was in his marriage.2) More recently I ran into another ex in the street. I hadn't seen him for over 8 years. I was walking and he was a driving in very slow-moving traffic. He called me over and we exchanged a few pleasantries. As the traffic was moving away again he said "I might stop into see you some time". I didn't really have time to reply and didn't really think he meant it anyway. But less than week later I came home from rehearsal about 11pm at night to find him waiting on my door-step. He'd been there for a couple of hours. I explained that it really was a bit late for impromptu visits but that he could come in for a quick coffee and I would be chucking him out at 11.45pm. We had a pleasant enough chat, he chatted about his girlfriend and their pet cat and I chatted about my theatre work. But again, I wandered why he'd wanted to spend time with me now after all these years. I haven't heard from him again.3) My third example is the oddest and I'm kinda embarrassed that I know about it. I went to a school reunion not so long ago. My brother is about the same age as me (a bit younger) and he'd dated some of my friends when we were in our teens. One girl (who's a bit older) told me that, a few months before my brother's wedding, she'd been contacted by him on facebook explaining that he'd had a massive crush on her when he was 13. She told me, with much amusement, that she'd replied that she was flattered to hear it but, sorry, she only saw him as a little boy and that's how she'll always remember him. Sure, it's a funny story but then I heard that at least two other girls had recieved similar messages from him around the same time(via facebook). These girls weren't just crushes though, - they'd been fully fledged sexual flings.My brother has now been married 8 years with two children and his marriage seems very solid. But WHY contact all your exes in the run up to the wedding. Why contact a long-lost ex at all if you are with somebody else and plan on staying that way.I'd just really like some insight. When I'm done with an ex, I'm done with them. When I meet someone else, I'm even MORE done with the ex
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 I think in your brother's case, it was a case of cold feet - one of those "OMG I'm NEVER going to have sex with anyone BUT my wife for the rest of my life!!" So maybe HE was hoping for a romp before saying his vows. Or he was looking for confirmation that he was TOTALLY over these girls, that he COULD stick to just one woman. Or.. last minute ego rub.
It's hard to say why ANY of these exes called on you. They could all have VERY different reasons for doing so. Only way you will know is ask THEM.
I am like you when it comes to exes, It's over, I'm done, they are out! Except ONE ex. My first love. We ended it after 4 1/2 years and didn't talk for a year, then I had and accident and he came around to check up on me (my parents had told him about the accident as he still talked to them now and then) and after that day we occasionally hung out. Talked on the phone and later e-mails. He never tried to initiate anything and neither have I. I see him as a friend. When my mom died and I couldn't be there for her funeral, HE went FOR me. He was there for my Dad. He still check in on my Dad occasionally and even my brother. I'd say he is more like a "brother" than an ex.
I DID have another EX contact me out of the blue, and this was a guy who had been a total and UTTER douche-canoe. All he wanted ( I gather) was a pity party and a shoulder to cry on, which I quite frankly didn't give him because I didn't give two fly farts about his "woe is me" - as I saw it, it was Karma coming around to ride his sorry butt!
Sometimes I think it's a little bit of nostalgia. The memories of "the golden days" - trying to "recapture" a little of their youth. And since YOU (general you) were part of that, maybe you can help them relive it. If that makes sense.
Sometimes people just want to reach out. And feel like it would be easier to talk to an EX about things then their partners or friends.
Other times I think it's about the EGO rub. They KNOW this girl USED to love them to "death" and talking to her makes them feel like "yea! I still got it"!
I really wouldn't worry about it. They have their own motives for wanting contact. If you want to know WHY, next time ask. Be blunt.
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