A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have a question about flirting. Why do women do this and then seem so surprised to be asked out? I've asked out a few women over the years, thinking they were interested. In the majority of cases the women have then proceeded to completely ignore me/blank me or actually ask me not to contact them again. Ouch! Really hurts when they take this attitude. Surely they must know which guys they can flirt with for fun and which are likely to ask them out. Makes me feel stupid that I've totally misinterpreted them. At the same time they should be feeling stupid that they can go from friendly/flirty one minute to 'I prefer it if you didn't get in contact with me again' the next. So, whilst I feel like a loser sometimes when making a move on women, they must also feel pretty stupid in leading me on in the first place. Anyway - I think I've worked out what women find attractive in a man and will try to aspire to this from now on. They are: 1) Conversational comfort. In the work-place this can only arise from very close proximity over a period of months/years. This leads to the sharing of intimacy topics and the development of a 'connection'. 2) Confidence. Ahh yes - but what is 'confidence'? I think this is having a goal and knowing how to achieve this goal and having achieved many goals in the past. 3) Mystery. Having a 'something about them' quality means that the aloof are highly attractive. 4) Social proof. This is when a man is considered attractive by a number of different people thereby increasing his desirability since he then becomes a precious/rare/sought after commodity. 5) Sense of humour. 6) Appearance. 7) Intelligence.Of these I'd say 1 to 4 are the most important. With these elements in place I've noticed that a radical shift change can cause women to 'show their hand'. For example, if a man has all these facets in place and then decides to leave the company, this may cause a woman to make a move on him. Anyway, I'm going to try to work at these 'cos I'm so fed-up at meeting highly attractive women only for them to seemingly lose all respect for me further down the line after I've popped 'the question'. Does anyone have any views on this? Many thanks!
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confidence, flirt, move on, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): Dude I had this happen to me. I think that maybe she was just being nice or whatever, but I did come on to strong. I mean I use to dress like a rocker and stuff, and she did act extremely nice but I did show a little anger which was not cool on my part but everything bad was happening at once. Besides she was going thru a rough time herself. And I married but felt like she was showing me the attention I was not getting at home. But I have sinced moved and so it is time to move on. I have the same problem with women, especially when they say things that they probably shouldn't say, and then wonder why you pursue them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): I agree with pinktopaz if rejection keeps happening then there is something that you are doing that is creating it. Yes, sometimes women and men flirt just in fun with no intentions, but the thing that makes me think you are doing something is that you said they are rude and ask you not to contact them.I have had a couple of experiences where men tried to convince me that I was interested in them when I was not. At first I just politely refused the invitation out. But they were insistent that I cared about them. I tried to be kind initially but when they would not leave me alone I became angry and rude. (These were two separate incidents).I started wondering what the hell was wrong with men that they could not accept that someone simply was not interested. I thought both were nice, but quite frankly the idea of dating someone that can turn into a stalker is very frightening. (that was the first one) The second guy was nice and attractive but he was so defensive. He seemed to take everything that I said as a critism of him even though it was not meant that way. We barely knew each other and he asked me to go camping I said I would not do that since I barely knew him and he was very angry and offended. My point is that you may want to look at how you are interacting with women that makes them refuse to go out with you. Usually people are only rude at someones interest if you are being offensive in some way. In both of my experiences I asked both men to never contact me again because they just seemed to want to argue the point as if argueing would convince me what a catch they were.Maybe you can ask a friend who is female to discuss your approach and ask her for pointers.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 August 2009):
 Your problem is a lot more common than you think. It is, simply put, that you have trouble connecting to women. I was going to say "connecting and understanding women", but the "understanding" part is common to all males, so let's leave the obvious out :-).
There are many reasons why a woman will flirt with you. Sometimes they are just playing, sometimes they lead you on, sometimes they just want reassurance... you get the point. Nowadays, if you misread the signs, you're in a lot of trouble. Particularly if you misread the signs with a co-worker or a person you need to see often.
So, your first rule must be to never mix people you need to see often, or co-workers, with love. This, by way of caution. If you misread the signs, at least your misreading won't bring any more problems to you.
Don't think too much and don't over-analyze the flirting. Take note of it, yes, but don't consider it a serious manifestation of interest unless it keeps repeating itself.
No one can tell you why these women reacted that way with you, but I have the feeling that you must have done something terribly wrong. Honest. If you keep getting the same response from all women, then the problem lies with you, not them. Something is the matter. Try to analyze that, and only you can do it because we can't see you.
Don't over-analyze what a woman wants. You can read books and stuff for fun, and check the internet, et cetera, but don't think that a carefully crafted plan will take you anywhere. You're not an engineer with a plan for a building. Life is not an exact science.
Take it easy, don't be desperate, and things will happen.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (28 August 2009):
Well, I think that some of what you listed can be placed with higher value. Personally, I think sense of humor, appearance, and intelligence are the main things that I find interesting in a man. Sure act aloof, whatever; it'll get old after a while. But I cannot stand some drab dude, that has no sense of humor and is dumber than a bag of rocks.
Could you be you possibly be coming on too strong with these women at first? I'm not sure how you go about asking them out that would cause them to make rude comments to you. I only make rude comments to a guy that asks me out if he acts like a jerk himself. However, I could definitely see that as a huge blow to your ego. Just give some info on how you're asking these women out.
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