A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,could you provide a list of the most common turn-offs when it comes to females assessing males as possible romantic partners?The following is quite long. So, if you have time to read it and think about it, then I would appreciate some input. :)The motivation for this question is that I appear to be highly unappealing towards women. I am 20 years old, academically successful, confident and assertive, friendly, tall, attractive face, have a healthy body - although, I do need to get in a better physical shape, but that's not really noticeable -, and I have a very open personality and body language. I am nice, but not too nice - I can make my position clear, if it's necessary. Men and women alike generally want me as a friend, they trust me, and look for ways to be social with me - but women never consider going a step further. It truly depresses me that at my age, albeit knowing that I still am young, I have never had a girlfriend, never had sex, and what I find even worse is that no girl has ever felt attracted to me. I feel basically worthless in this regard.In general, a man is supposed to know when a girl is interested, judging by her behavior, her way of looking at him, and trying to be close to him, and lots of other more or less clear signs. No such thing ever happened with the girls I knew. Other men say that they even had girls approach them! I certainly don't have problems with approaching women - when I find them sufficiently appealing mentally and physically I strike up a conversation next time I meet them and make a new friend, heh - but it has never happened to me that a girl wanted to spend time with me. I always had to initiate. They only talked to me first when they wanted something from me.I actually fail to understand what's so wrong with me that women don't consider me dating material. It can't be looks, because that's seldom the decisive factor. It's unlikely that my personality is responsible, because even though I am not very social and outgoing I do appear to be fun to be around. I do meet up with friends every week, but that's close to the limit. My studies are rather time-consuming. I still could free up some time for a girlfriend, should that become a problem, though.I meet plenty to women at university. So, that can't really be it. There are thousands of women. Dozens of them I see on a daily basis. I know it's a numbers game, but these numbers could hardly get any better.There are men who are both successful and have girlfriends. Many even manage to have lots of affairs - a lifestyle I do not advocate, but it definitely shows that success isn't a turn-off for women in general.I would do a lot to find out what's wrong with me. The sad part is that it's very important to me to have someone to discuss ideas with, to cuddle up with, to simply share things of high personal value with. As that part of my private life remains very unfulfilled, it does influence my professional life. Lately I have been thinking of taking a break to find a girlfriend - but that course of action seems highly irrational to me and may end up causing more problems.Thanks a lot!Cheers.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Hello friend!As i was reading your post i was thinking "This dud is an exact copy of me", we're even the same age.The difference is, it has had a massive effect on my life, to a point we're I'm most likely drooping out of collage (i was also badly sick for a number of years and together with the loneliness of it all developed mild depression)But now that I'm OK i decided to find myself a companion, I tried everything, I even asked every female friend i have for advice and even asked women i dated in the past what turned them off (these are mostly the same women) and they said I'm awesome, mostly good looking, nice, romantic, good friend, loyal, polite, basically a perfect guy (the all agree I'll make a girl really happy), they just didnt have "that" kind of feelings for me. And I've dated quite a lot of women!So maby it's biological. Maby we just don't "smell" right.Well i wish you the best of luck, and i hope you find her cuz i know how lonely it can be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): I have a few tips that may be helpful.
Being a good looking woman (modesty obviously not being one of my stronger traits) I get approached by men all the time.
The guys that I went on dates with all:
- Had a unique but sexy/cute approach. I've met hundreds of guys in bars and clubs but never once given any of them my number. The guys that I did go out with would approach me in random places such as in a library, shops, fruit market, beach, walking my dog etc.
My now fiance approached me in a crowded restaurant while I was having lunch with some girlfriends. He apologised for disrupting our meal, turned me and said that he had noticed me walking in and knew that he'd regret it if he didn't summon the courage to ask me out. So he introduced himself and asked if he could take me out for dinner that saturday...
- Keep the approach rather short. Introduce yourself, tell her why you want to ask her out (ie she's beautiful, she has the most perfect smile you've ever seen etc) then ask her out and get her number. Excuse yourself and then send her a tex/call later that day.
- Guys that played the waiting game are so boring. If a guy would wait more than a day to call me after initially meeting him I would basically write him off and if he called 4 days later I'd probably have forgotten all about him and he'd get the "Who's this? ... "Dave"... "Sorry I don't know any Dave, you must have the wrong number" *click*
- Do be romantic. If you want to be friends with these girls them treat them like a friend. If you want to get involved romantically treat them like a date, compliments and pay attention when they are speaking.
- A date/initial meeting may seem a little forced or formal if you're just asking each other questions all the time. The best date I ever went on was with a guy that came up with a game after the dinner, as we were sat having the desert he would look around the restaurant and come up with stories for all the people there - I would jump in and alter the stories and he'd laugh and we came up with some really romantic and some really sordid stories in the end. It was a really good example of making the encounter more playful and creating a 'we' and them scenario rather than 'you' and 'I'
- If you can afford it take her somewhere nice
- Make sure she gets home safe. Again, one of my best memories of a date was with a really handsome guy that insisted on making sure I got home safe after a wonderful dinner and a late movie. He got us a taxi and all the way there we kept talking, when we got there he asked the taxi driver to wait for him as he was going the other direction (saying this was important as I didn't have to worry about him wanting to come upstairs with me). He walked me to the door, said that he'd had a wonderful time and couldn't wait to see me again - was I free tomorrow perhaps? I said yes (naturally) and he gave me a soft kiss on the check. Then left in the taxi. Before I had even managed to get upstairs he had sent me a text saying "Is it strange that I miss you already? I feel like it's the most natural thing in the world. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. xx
Just a few idea... :D
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): Aww, you sound like a really nice guy !. If i were a bit younger, i'd want to date you myself , based on what you have said here . lol unless you're interested in older people too ; ) . lol i'm nearly 26.
Well , what you need to do is strike up a conversation with a woman and ask her about herself , and talk about you. Then , after you have been speaking for a while , try asking her out . Complimenting a woman can help too. Well , it works for me : ) . Such as saying she is very pretty ( i don't like the word " hot " . I think that can make it sound like you're only after one thing . ) .
Also , it's best to try and meet women that have the same interests as you , if not in the University , then outside of it , so go to any place that you find interesting , and obviously , she will have the same interests if she is hanging out in the same place. I recommend that you don't try to meet women in bars/clubs though , as most people that hang out in those places seem to just be looking for a fling.
I hope this helps ,and please let us know how you get on !.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers!RockChick2010: Eh. Good to know that I am not off-putting in those ways. ;)Celiaaletta: I have seen too many downright ugly, or below average men with very beautiful girlfriends in real life. It is clear to me that looks aren't decisive, given the ample examples where it apparently played no role."Anyway, I'm perplexed, if your looks and your personality are not the issue, then what exactly remains to actually be of issue?"That's why I posted this question. I don't know. However, Lexie88 is onto something.Lexie88: You may be right that my behavior doesn't convey the right message. Could you provide some details as to how your boyfriend behaves "friend-like" at times, and what about that is off-putting in a "romantic" setting? Perhaps I can see some parallels. It's most likely the case that I make exactly that mistake. I treat the women just like my guy friends, and hence they don't see me as a potential boyfriend. They think I am not in the least romantically interested in them."You don't say what you do after you meet the women at university. Do you ask them out? Do you become friends in the hope you will get a sign from them that they're interested?"Well, I cannot come up with good reasons to ask out a woman I basically don't know yet. It'd be like "Hey, I don't really know you, but that doesn't even matter, because you are hot as hell. I want to date you. Wanna meet up for a coffee sometime tomorrow?" And that's off-putting to me. :P I have no idea how to show that I am interested in a woman sexually/romantically.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (9 April 2010):
 If your description of yourself is true, I don't think that anything's wrong with you. You sound like you have self-esteem but you're not conceited. You actually sound like a really nice guy.
One question for you. You say that you meet plenty of women, so I guess the opportunities are there, but how do you behave around them? Do you act as a friend? If you do, even if you're attractive/successful etc, many women will see you as a friend and not a boyfriend.
My current BF is that type, in the beginning I sometimes had to stop and remind myself that he was my BF and not just a friend. It wasn't anything specific he did or say but the way he acted around me was more like a friend would do, rather than a man who was interested in me romantically. Even to this day, he does it sometimes, and it's a bit of a turn off. I'm not saying that you should be all over a woman, but have that confidence that will make her see you as BF material.
Now, don't get me wrong, most relationships need a friendship as their basis if they are to last...so don't think I'm saying you shouldn't be friends with women. What I guess I'm trying to say is that you should perhaps act a bit more confident, act like the guy who is romantically interested in a woman. Women need to see you as BF material, not just friend material.
I don't think it's anything specific you need to do or say, but perhaps when you meet a girl make sure to ask her out on a date soon after meeting and getting her number. Make it a date, not a hang out or a catch up. Pick her up, do something date like. Make it known from the beginning that's your intention.
You don't say what you do after you meet the women at university. Do you ask them out? Do you become friends in the hope you will get a sign from them that they're interested?
And finally, yes you are young. Whether or not you have success now, I bet you that when you reach your mid-20s you will be the guy that many women will want to be with, and not those guys who currently seem to get any woman.
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A
female
reader, RockChick2010  +, writes (9 April 2010):
Ok well my list is just an example. So here goes. Things that may put women off:
*Bragging about the size of your manhood (it's honestly not that important to women. Must be a guy thing)
*Bad hygiene
*Messy
*Somebody who thinks they are cool
*A man who hangs around loads of women at once
*A guy who flashes his money around
*Sex-obsessed men
*When a guy doesn't spend much time around her.
Don' t know if it helps, but these are just my guesses.
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