A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, Today im here too really find out why women always under sell their sexual past. I found out two of my good friends and including me, That are wives have liad too us about there sexual past. Ive been married for 13 years and come too find out from my wife who finally told me the truth that she slept with 5 other men i never knew about and all these years i was thinking only one person. She has hurt me so bad. What do i supposed to do now i asked her after 13 years and 2 beautiful children we have together?She even told me about my friends wives which are her friends also, Do i tell my friends what there wives been holding from them all these years or do i hold it in and deal with the guilt the rest of my life. I told my wife i have lost my trust in her and life with her will never be the same, Ive even called my friends wives and told them i knew about there sexaul past and all they did was cry too me and beg me not too tell there husbands. How can women be so dishonest about there sexual past, It makes me really hate them for what they do too us men. please help me how can i live like this and look into my friends face and be normal, i dont want too destroy anyones life including mine and i even told my wife how does it feel too be with someone that you dont know if he really wanted you for you all these years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): I just wanted to ask a question. Is it not possible that these women who lie about their past sex partners are liable to cheat with these ex sexual partners as long as it is still a secret? Especially if these ex sexual partners are colleagues, friends and people still in their circle. Your thoughts please.
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female
reader, evaline +, writes (27 February 2013):
The right advise any professional will give you is that your wife chose you in the first place because she wants to spend the rest of her life with you and she can trust on you!so try to forget her past sexual life ...and get going for the future is more important.And if you still find that her sexual past is annoying you..then the only thing that would comfort you is to meet new sexual partners,the same number that your wife had slept with.This way you both can be trustworthy of each other.
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male
reader, Guardian  +, writes (10 December 2010):
I understand how you feel but it could be much worse. A few months after I met my wife she told me that she had been raped by a guy she had been dating for three weeks. She acted traumatised by the event and rejected all physical advances by me. I resolved to prove to her that I loved her and was not only after sex and as a consequence did not touch her until our wedding night which was a disaster. Several yeras later after our son was born I found out that this person that she had alleged had raped her had done no such thing. She had been with him and involved in a full on sexual relaship for 6 years. When I confronted her she admitted to the length of the relationship but still insisted that she had been raped. She also told me that she had never dated anyone else. This was also a lie which I found out through my business when another former boyfriend consulted me for advice. To this day my wife continues to cover up one lie with another. I am in the relationship only because I have a son who I love dearly. Relationships should be based on honesty not lies and deciet. I have no right to be judgmental about what my wife did before I met her but I do have the right to make decisions including the decision about who I spend my life with based on the truth.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): A lot of women have to lie about their pasts. Lots of men too.
If those of us with rowdy pasts didn't lie, then we might get stuck dealing with the consequences of our actions later. Lying is the only way for us to get out of it. Of course it passes the potential problems onto others, but what else can we do? That's just the price they have to pay for our choices.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): TOTALLY agree Stonemason! lasting relationships are built on the trust that you are with someone you know everything about. "little things" ALWAYS come out somehow, and when they do...you have breached the trust a little bit each time it happens. It should come up in normal conversation and not an interrogation or checklist of past sexual exploits...but none the less, complete honesty and openness is key.
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male
reader, Stonemason +, writes (9 July 2010):
 I personally think it's the very best thing to learn everything you can about your partner before you marry them. Everything, including their nightly dreams, thoughts, previous histories, quirks, eccentricities, jealousies, envies, hatreds--everything. How anyone can think that's "no one's business" wants to go through life with blinders and has dark areas that are off limits. Who wants to know so little about their mate? I'm going to marry someone whom I don't know?
If you don't tell those things, then your partner has to learn them little by little. Perhaps they will become shocked or surprised later, or injured and hurt. If you omit anything, then you shouldn't bring it up later--not ever. But if you don't, then someone else, sooner or later, will. Perhaps, someday you'll stumble across that "special someone" who bedded your partner and that person will spill the beans. Or perhaps you'll learn that your potential spouse is not the person you thought they were. It's happened to me many times. It's always a shock. It's always suspicious. And it shows deep distrust of you if your partner won't tell you...
I'd prefer to hear everything before I married a person, then I could judge for myself whether I could stand being married to them. This is my answer to those who say: "it's none of your business."
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): May 27 - actually, men having a problem with a womans sexual past has little to do with "confidence" and is really a product of evolution, specifially paternal certainty. To that end, one could argue that the more a man is bothered by a womans past, the more "manly" he actually is.
Back to the original question - I think a woman will lie about her sexual past for two reasons. The first is because she knows the above fact and understands the lower the number the more likely the man she is with going to accept it. The second is that she is to some degree ashamed (also for evolutionary reasons.) Go ahead and disagree, but women lying about this I believe is the rule rather than the exception, and when does someone lie about a personal fact other than to cover up shame? Fact of the matter is I have never seen a very promiscuous woman feel truly good about that fact, and that, again, is just a product of our evolution.
Last, I think if someone is serious they have every right to know about a persons past. Marriage is just too big a decision to make with incomplete information, especially information that is so important and could effect things down the road.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Dude, I understand how you feel. I am in my first new relationship in over 20 years. She started having sex at 29, and claims to have only 4 partners before me (she just turned 40). Yes, I suspect more because of her high sex drive and guys she tells me were "just friends" but I suspect more...but so what? I know if it is more, it isn't significnatly more, and unless she was in a bukakke gangbang, I don't think I would feel any less of her anyway. If anything, it would just make me more insecure...and that is MY (YOUR) problem...not hers. She is the woman she is today because of her past. I'm now firmly convinced a vibrant past builds a successful, well informed future. So accept what you've learned, be strong, and show her your acceptance...it will make you the best man in her life. She's with YOU!
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female
reader, May27 +, writes (8 July 2010):
 When I was younger, I would foolishly tell the truth about how many men I had been with (which was never a high number anyway). No matter what the number was, I always regretted answering. Most of the time when men ask, they cannot handle the truth. All too often, it is the insecure and jealous man that is so curious.
I am married to a wonderful - and secure man - and he has never felt the need to ask me, and I've never asked him. In the long run, what does it really matter? Seriously answer the question. What does it matter? Why do you want to know? What does is change? How can an honest answer do anything positive aside from calm your insecurities (if the number is low).
If she had told you initially that the number was 5 or 6 (which is lower than most women anyway), how would you have reacted? Be honest with yourself. Would you have said, "Cool. Thanks for telling me."? Or would you have berated her and asked for details that would only further drive you up the wall... If you would have been okay with it then (which I am seriously doubting), then you should be now: nothing has changed.
Alright, she did lie which, of course, is wrong. However, I'm sure that you are no saint yourself and have never told a lie. I guarantee that this isn't so much about the lying as it is about the number. Everyone tells lies. I don't lie to my husband, but if he flew off the handle about issues like you do I'm sure I would lie. She did it because she needs to choose her battles with you; you're unstable.
By the way when she "finally told you the truth", what compelled her to do so? Did she say that there was something she needed to tell you? Or did you nag her until she gave in?
Either way, a rational response would have been to let her know that you appreciate that she finally told you the truth, but that you are very hurt and offended that she didn't trust you enough to be honest in the beginning. If you can be calm and mature during times like this, she won't be afraid to talk to you when difficult questions or situations come around.
In my opinion, being married to someone does not abolish any rights to privacy. Your wife is still a human being (as are her friends... and shame on you by the way) and is entitled to her body and her past.
Honestly, Tisha is right. Please make an appointment and speak with a doctor.
Get off her back and apologize; learn to cope by getting help if you can't just get past it.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (8 July 2010):
 Exactly as the others said, it's because any number higher than 1 or 2 seems to elicit your exact respone from many men, and your reaction definitely confirmed her fear in telling you in the first place. This is why some women, not all, will lie. On the other hand, many men tend to exaggerate that number. It's a ridiculous double standard, and honestly, you have no logical reason to be jealous or angry. She omitted a truth to prevent you from feeling exactly how you do now, so what exactly has she done that's so terrible? You've been together for 13 years her other partners are well in the past, so let it go. Whenever you feel upset about it remember that she's with you, no one else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I don't know where you get the idea that all women lie. You need think of the life you have together and your children, that is what is important.
I think you should read this.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wifes-sexual-past-that-i-didnt-know.html
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 All women do not lie. In fact, most tell the truth.
But why do the ones that lie, lie? Because many men will judge them unreasonably for past sexual behaviour. Especially conservative or insecure men who feel very threatened by this and resort to abusive behaviour to compensate.
Like you are.
By the way, you HAVE to stop calling these other women. That's utterly not ok
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): The simplest answer to this is always the obvious - NEVER ask in the first place. HOWEVER, if asked, the answer should be either the right number or "I don't wish to discuss this".
There are so many issues that fly out of this topic. For some people it IS a big deal or dealbreaker if someone has slept around a lot. If I, as a man, regard sex as something between two people who love each other and don't agree with casual sex (which is not the same thing as APPROVAL or DISAPPROVAL of others), and I've only slept with three women, I am unlikely to want to be with someone who happily slept around. On the other hand, if I was very experienced woman, I might prefer a partner who was similarly experienced to ensure best compatibility in the bedroom. Works either way.
One also has to think about one's own safety - and this works for either sex, too. STDs, HIV etc etc. I'm sorry, but if after a while in a relationship you want to stop using condoms, this can be an issue.
For some people, it's not so much the retroactive jealousy of 'picturing' someone with other guys. It's one of the above. But for others, it is solely and utterly a trust thing. This is why if you choose to answer the question you MUST answer truthfully, even if it results in your partner having difficulties with that and splitting up. To discover your partner, the one you love with all your heart has lied to you on this, immediately makes you wonder what else they have lied about. And when trust is gone....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Some don't say probably because it can make men feel defeated/frustrated, just as you have become.
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female
reader, veronika +, writes (8 July 2010):
 You'd be amazed at how much backlash women tend to get from men - and other women - when they're honest about their sexual past, especially if the number is high. It seems that if a woman's number is "too high", they're called demeaning names like 'slut', but if it's "too low", they're often called 'prudish' and the like. As AskOlderSister stated, it's a no-win situation.I have a feeling your wife and her friends lied so their partners wouldn't judge them, because they probably felt they would be judged.I can understand why you're angry at the dishonesty. But are you angry because she was dishonest, or angry because of the number of men she's slept with?If you're angry at the dishonesty alone, that's understandable. Approach the issue like a mature adult and have a frank conversation with her about it. Don't try and make her feel guilty or cry about it. I'm not advocating lying, but you need to really think about this - it's not as if she was cheating on your or putting your relationship at risk. She just didn't fully tell you her sexual history. Is it really worth it?And keep out of her friends' business. You have not right to ring up these women and threaten them. Going by that, you sound controlling and insecure.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2010):
 You need to seek professional help if you are calling and threatening women. Your wife had no business telling you anything and you have no call to take upon yourself the job of judge, jury and confessor.
I'm sorry you are so hurt, but you are going about handling this in the worst possible way. You are spreading misery to other people and quite frankly, what other people have chosen to do or say to their spouses or others is none of your business.
You need a reality check and to get a grip now. You are running the risk of decompensating and I think you need to see your physician and tell him or her what's going on with you.
Get a referral to a qualified psychologist, psychiatrist and/or a couples counselor tomorrow.
These feelings are real for you and they are not going to resolve overnight nor will they get better if you continue to wallow in this question.
Have you read the posts of an aunt here, "Yos"? http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos Read his posts through, if you haven't already.
And to answer your question, why do women always lie about their sexual past? Answer: we don't always lie. That's a sweeping generalization borne out of your own pain and anguish. It's a leading question, like the famous one, "How long have you been beating your wife?" No matter how it's answered, the premise is that you are a wife beater.
Lay off the pogrom for now, stop asking, stop calling these women. That's completely out of line and you could be charged with harrassment for making those calls. Stop threatening, stop everything.
Get a referral to a specialist and get the help you so obviously need.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): They lie about the number because the more men they sleep with the lower their perceived value as a potential wife is. Right or wrong its that simple.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): In this day and age a total of six partners is nothing ... when i was 21 years old one of my friends told me she'd ONLY had 16 sexual partners. I was shocked at the attitude and causalness of her statement however that didnt make her any less of the person she is. She was still the same, i just knew a little bit more than i possibly should have, Your wife acted i believe in a way to spare your feelings or pretect her own image in your eyes. Would you have truely have accepted her if you knew otherwise? She is still the same person who has been with you for 13 years. Loyal, faithful, mother of your children, loving and dutiful ... don't look at her individual past, look at the past you have shared with love and commitment. Does her history really change what you have shared and if so, well, i'm not sure if you truely deserve her. And another matter, you in no uncertain terms should be telling your friends or their wives about THEIR sexual lives. Your wife trusted you with this information and i think if you share it then you are the betrayer in the relationship not her. Find a way to get over your hurt but don't take it out on her ... feel honoured that after 13 years she finally feels comfortable enough to trust you openly with these things thus show he that her trust in you was actually deserved. Listen, understand and be there for her - do not use it against her.
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female
reader, kittykhaos  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 I think the reason a lot of women lie is there is a lot of pressure to be "pure", Some men assume that if a woman has had many sexual partners she must be dishonest and un trust worthy. NOW, there is a difference between telling someone you are a virgin rather then playing down your sexual history. If your wife wasn't a virgin but told you she was then thats dishonest but if you never asked her and you assumed she was a virgin she doesn't have to tell you about her past. I have a around about 20 sexual "partners" (boyfriends/one night stands) and my boyfriend was a virgin before we got together. He knows ive had a past but he has no idea how many people i have slept with not because ive been dishonest but because he has never asked and it is irelivant to our relationship. Do you want to know the "ins and outs" of your wife's sexual past? Maybe she didn't tell you to spare your feelings?
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